Friday, December 8, 2017

Inspiration from aspiration!

I just wanted to note down how yesterday was so that I can look back when life looks shit.

So we had an informal meeting and it was so beautiful. Everyone discussed/asked unhesitatingly. Although, my sense of happiness arose more from the aspirations of these people. You know how I put myself down after hearing how well people did? This time the reverse happened. It seemed like people would help, that they are smart but very nice. I let myself dream a little higher. I let myself think of what I thought was unattainable. What I mocked my mom for thinking. Maybe it doesn't happen, but jus not even been a whole week and I already received my first gift of hope. With my return gift of hard work. The struggle with decisions changed into the need to make a coherent plan. :)

If you haven't already guessed it, I am surrounded by smart and nice people and I hope to be the same, if nothing else then just my association.

Good night. :)

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Zen Advice

Some Zen words before I retire for the night -

Happiness is mostly felt in the times we get to enjoy childhood luxuries again.
Time should be measured using personal goals as markers, not standard units.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Plugging in Yesterday

Shameless plug from my other blog which will eventually become redundant except maybe for personal reasons -

Adding to it, the day ended with butter dosa and ice cream and a little walk in the chill.
It was important to put this here because these are the kind of things I would have written here anyway.

I got a job offer today. Not something I am particularly interested in, but hey, silver lining. :)
The pay is good.

That's all about the good stuff :)

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Something New

Hi peeps.

I sort of started a new side project. Here's the link -

*What's with the long URLs?*
See you there too!

Monday, October 23, 2017

That moment when you discover that people are different..

... such an obvious thing, right?

Not really.

With a heavy heart, I bid a farewell to stories that never even happened, that stopped mid-way and that didn't work out the way they were supposed to.

Actually no, I am not that sad. Just a little distraught and helpless about realizing that not everybody is transparent about who they are and their whys. Or why the goodness is just gone.

The little things. Better day tomorrow? I hope so!

Sometimes blind faith seems not reason enough and the shoulders have all lied down to rest.
You also shrug and trust everyone a little less or maybe your heart becomes a little more fragile and your song dims so that only you hear it anymore.

It's good.
Alone. But good.
Tiring. But good.
Overwhelming. But good.

"But good"
Reminds me of how Brutus was 'an honourable man'.

Now playing:
Just promise me you'll think of me
Everytime you look up in the sky blue and see s star
I am a space bound rocket ship
And your hearts the moon
And I am aiming right at you
250,000 miles on a clear night in June
And I am so lost without you
Without you
Without you

Monday, October 16, 2017

This poem is not pretty

This poem is not pretty
If it looks anything like the inside of my mind right now
This poem is not pretty
If it looks like my hair getting tangled in the wind

I am in a car with windows rolled down
What else do you need to dissect your life?
I see the poisonous particles in the air that I inhale
Each particle expands into a thought
Jumbling and running into one another
The pendulum starts swinging
And everything is set into motion

Does everyone have 2 people inside them?
Is everybody secretly a Gemini?
And could one part want something diametrically opposite to the other?
And if they told their stories together
You wouldn't believe they coexist.
They themselves don't.
(Perhaps their stories are exactly why they co-exist.
Ignore him, he's my second half)
They debate, they talk
Sometimes one wins with a clear shot
Other times their amorphous forms merge
To become a third person of their own accord
Without you even really noticing

All of 22
And I have already started seeing the coming about of what had gone around
The wilful and bitter sweet friendship of goodness with time - 'the good times';
The fact that you can't perpetuate that for someone -
Take that away from someone
Sometimes your love isn't going to be enough to save someone
Your hate so feeble it won't even singe
I think that's why we have candles on cakes
Wishes on lashes
And fairy tales

I think of the younger one
How she has dreams and aspirations for herself
How with her entirely different journey
She will still end up thinking the same.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Free Will

I think one of the most irritating things we face in this life is the gift of free will that other people have. Actually, no. I think we collectively get annoyed because somebody else's free will doesn't align with what we want.
It's stupid how much weightage we can give to stupid problems and how they just increase if we don't grieve properly. And even if you do, you still don't stop feeling it. It just gnaws and you keep rebuilding with one eye concentrating on it not eating you whole.
What can I say?

Let me stop throwing tantrums or at least throw tantrums for something that makes more sense. I am kind of miserable and sad and upset that everyone's gone. Because I was having quite a ball. And for the first time probably, every one involved was unemployed. Not that everything was makkhan smooth. (Got to love makkhan though). But it's okay. Lazying around is also wondrous almost all of the time. Oh for people who don't know and are still reading this random rambling, this includes Deepak, Meenal, Navjot and Samanber. Peeps, peeps.

I fell in love with the actor Siddharth. Yay. He's cool. And I did something stupid as well. Huh.

Anyway it's 4:40 and I am still pissed but I need to sleep. Good night. :)

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Because I am not getting sleep anytime soon and don't know what to do!

Umm, started disliking phones again. So disturbing and annoying.
Today was a long day.
I want to write poetry again.

Kho gaye hum kahan?
Rang saare jahan.
Kho gaye hum kahan?
Rang saare jahan.
Tedhe medhe raaste hai
Jaaduin imaarte hai

It's a nice song.
Things get so complicated no sometimes. Some things are so important like the cliched bitter medicine for good stuff.
People died in the Elphinstone stampede today, in other non-senti news. Sounds so surreal to me.
There is a lot of daily wastage of energy for shitty things. I think Buddhism helps to overcome that a little bit.

Okay I will go now!
Chill for a while.
Bye. :')

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Dear Papa

Yes, I will be talking to you separately but how could I not remember you at the place I love the most, my place?
I miss you.
I can't remember like I did yesterday and my belief system isn't as strong as it was the day before but I am still walking ahead.
But I realized that I had forgotten what was important, what all you'd told me. Thank you for reminding me.

I wil always love you.


Monday, September 25, 2017


3 songs. 3 people.

One moved past with rememberance.
One awed.
One missed the comfort of.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Just Keep Swimming

So, all of my four friends have at some point or the other advised me to 'Just Keep Swimming' and I have personally felt that is one of the best pieces of advice I could ever get or receive. There is a lot of conflict in my head about who I am, what I want and where I am going. I realize that I have been looking for answers and they aren't ready to come to me and I have to step forward anyway. And there is so much that I forget along the way. So, I thought of writing down a few guidelines on how I want things to be:

  • Got to hustle to get anywhere.
  • Have the long term perspctive to see that life doesn't have to be a linear thing. It's okay to take a few detours.
  • There will be regrets but well if you don't act now, it will just add to a future big ball of regrets. Remember that these things are like monkey bars. You have to let go of the last one to move to the next one.
  • Talking about regrets, people also regret that they've worked too hard. I think that happens when you work for something or someone you don't believe in. Time is the most finite resource you have, watch how you invest it.
  • You could make efforts to curate your life perfectly but the passionate person you want to be? That comes from following the bread crumbs. Feel strongly about something? Great! Act on it now. That's how dreaming works - when you give yourself enough time to dream and follow the path that comes to you.
  • Don't sell yourself short. Next time something prevents you from doing what you want, ask yourself why. Is it because you think you'll never get it? Maybe you're righ, maybe you're not. Doesn't make sense to worry about what you don't know. Which brings me to..
  • Divide worries into i) things you can do something about, ii) things out of your control. Act accordingly. So much time is wasted on assumptions, worries and general randomness.
  • Being true to yourself is scary and intimidating but that's how you make things easier for you. Question the why behind things you want to do and settle only when you know you've reached the truth. Break things down. It's never about the extra freelance work or taking an art class. It's prioritizing between money and a hobby because again time won't permit you to do all.
  • You will want to learn a gazillion things. Write them down. But pick up just 2 - the ones that came to your mind first. Check once if anything else is more important to you. After you're done, just stick with those 2 only and proceed till you're down.
  • When confused, try answering the question of who you want to be rather than what do you want to do. I have a strong feeling that it helps shape your life decisions a lot. In fact, you guide your activities around that person.
  • I swear this was going to be on the top of list but I forgot. Like I always do. Cultivate relationships and make room for happiness from it. Make others happy and be kind. You're super replace-able at work and honestly there will always be someone better qualified to do what you're doing. But if there's one gift that's unique, it's the people and the love and the care. As I remember my friend pointing out to me the other day, creating happiness and being kind allows you to sleep at night. It soothed me instantly and made a lot of sense. It deserves more weightage than is given.
  • Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Build up on your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
  • Meditate 
Also, again, a shout out for all the people who are being with me through this figuring out stage. They make me feel scared. It's been a little more than a week since I left office. It has been an incredibly rewarding experience. Now, the transition phase to the next adventure. Kripya ji is just the sweetest. I got a party because he rememebered about it and he said he liked my being around and to come back to visit 4 times. I have geuinely loved some people over there. (Everybody in my life knows who those people are!)
Have to get used to this sadness of leaving teams, I guess.

Sunday, September 10, 2017


I had a pretty rough day and went to sleep at 4. And oh my God.

It starts with me and Nayantara (my boss). We are working together and I am sitting on her lap (?). Suddenly I lose control over my faculties. I can't see anything and when I try to speak it's an inebriated man's (woman's?) slur. My in dream conscious mind questions whether I smoked up that day. (The answer was no).
I slowly regained my abilities for a bit and I tried to explain to the whole team that something is wrong. Soon after, it happens again. I am very disoriented and everything is dark. I fumble to the switch board and nobody is helping me. Then L comments at me saying oh look she is going to switch on the light and sniggers. I finally hear the sound of a generator and realize there's no light. I stumble back to the guys and keep having these attacks. I also remember thinking if I could just get out of the disoriented zone. If only. Through a lot of struggle and will power, I finally managed to say that I was in control, and I will get over it. It took me every ounce of will power and concentration that I had to say that one sentence. My conscious mind knew I had to avoid the blank spots and move towards the safe spots where there are tangible things but my mind would not listen.  Think I can't explain this well enough. This is something like knowing you have a nightmare and then your mind signals you to "wake up" to make it okay.
Slowly it turned out that Nayantara wanted me lost. She wanted me to get a bipolar disorder or demonstrate that I had one. She was creating triggers.
So I turned to Meenal for help. I called her, I dragged her by the hand. Every time I could hear her and feel her but I knew it wasn't her. Nayantara had managed to re-create a fake sensation thing. And that fake thing was fake reassuring me that she is coming and not to worry and be okay.
That's when I fully freaked out. I started running and she was running behind me with steely determination. Aanchal walked in to tackle Nanayantara. But she hadn't even reached her yet and N kept pursuing me and I tried reaching Meenal with all that I had. Desperately trying to retain my sanity.
Fighting off the fog.
Also I had a lot of false alarms in the Dreams where I felt I was out of the weird area but when I reached what I thought was the safe area mentally, that wasn't it. I was not reaching the right place at all.
I think she was succeeding as well because I saw someone whom I felt was a mental health professional.
Finally, this ended with me reaching "lucidity" by actually, really waking up - my desired level of consciousness.

And that is how I woke up at 4-15 and tried to wake up my sister as well but she just grunted back.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Some Days.

Some days you don't worry about the mundane. Your hair looks scraggly but you whip your head purposely to feel movie-like. Those days you miss the baby monkeys that you always see stuck to their mommies bodies. Damn cute. Days you almost hit a car for looking at texts. Days you look up at the sky and walk. And then you discover a new bird (it's true). Job hunting doesn't seem so hard. And Chris Martin just knows want you want and sings it to you.

I like those days. I wish they stayed whole days.

I miss you, writing. :')

In a sense I am a little caught and am not even putting up enough fight.

Haha. Bye.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

From Office. Again? No?

For this small stretch of today, I have literally no work. Thought of writing down things as I often think of doing.

Been pretty sick lately. But anyway, the point is today is some event thing and I am coughing so much I am sure they'll be like 'You, yes you in green shirt, get out of the frame.'


No, that didn't happen either. I ended up transcribing the entire event with Lalits, my new friend. People are still great. Still smart. I obviously started having some issues but after having a talk with my friend today I realized that it probably isn't the other persons fault. Except well, they are annoying. But I am happy my today's conversation cleared my head. I have also started falling in love with law a little bit. It's crazy interesting. And like I have long held before, to be truly educated, you need to study EVERYTHING. I am a crazy psycho education person. Yay! [No, like literally, I am right now recruiting people to study something online with me so that we can discuss the subject matter amongst ourselves!]

House of Cards is good and holding my attention for now. I miss my writing and meditation because I always want to sleep more in the mornings! I am not applying as much as I should to other places. Have to get my game strong.

You know what else my office did? Because it was a women strong office, with like 1 male, it helped me feel more secure in including 'feminist' in my identity. I always was one, but it reduced the psycho associated connotations to it. I mean, chuck. Let's just keep it as secure.

Delhi is the policy place, though. This office has taught me quite a lot. Sir still doesn't recognize me or thinks I am pretty much useless but I have realized my capacity to work a lot. It does come naturally to me. I thought it came to other people too, but maybe not.

Today is Michhami Dukkadam day. God, how much I have missed my writing/typing. Just randomly, it took me a lot of time to get over the sickness. We shifted homes and I have a new room all to myself. I never had a room all to myself before!

More and more people are getting placed. Some people I am falling in touch with. Others are moving abroad. Even juniors. Lawyers and dentists are getting made. LinkedIn is becoming my new stalking tool. People are having children. It feels like adulting suddenly. It's a good exercise to remember that we're all starting out and most of us are yet to feel the changing cycles of fortune. So, any comparison now or ever, is useless. Like.. I hope I could say what I was getting at.

I am completing my course this weekend! Yay to that. I hope I remember what I have learned.

Like I spent 2 hours with my colleagues ranting about it and then called my friend up because I was not done venting. Pity she didn't receive my call. She was pretty disgusted by it too and told me so at night. I am worried about the actual physical safety of someone I know. It's crazy and weird and just a difficult place.

I think I am done. Ting! :)

Saturday, August 26, 2017

First line of this post

 Have been doing such a bad job of maintaining my own blog!

I have been wanting to talk about work, and people, and generally sucking a bit at life, then on my parents anniversary and then Chester. And now Lipstick Under My Burkha.

I will be trying to fill in. So, work is good and I actually enjoy doing it but I have a lot of catching up to do in a sense. Because I don't know a lot of things. But that's the point of this, so well, yes. People are damn sweet. There was a point a week back where there was this long piece on


Post which I got work and don't remember anything anymore.
Drafted somewhere around July 19.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Guess Who?

Guess who got their hair cut again?

Anyway I am still at the salon, waiting for Meenal and so hungry.
Let me talk for some time then.
The first is about how stupid I am, second one about stupidity in general and the third about well, the extremest from stupidity I  have ever  been.

1) Network  incident
So I am at work and I always thought the assistant there didn't like me. [Actually now that I think about it, it's not personal. It's just that she's familiar or something with other people or is just a little rude in general?]
So she is talking to this other new guy in her side of the office. I had seen the other guy but not wished him and that was already weighing down, cause that's how offices function.
Suddenly I hear '..badhana hi nai hai network, kuch karna nai hai..'
Any guesses what I did?
Yes! I took it personally! :D
I somehow connected my not greeting people to her comment - how I didn't want to increase my own network.
How I realized this? They started talking about phones and I wondered why they would want to change the topic so suddenly and then I figured it makes more sense in terms of mobile phone networks. :|

Second, there are TRAI recommendations on media ownership. Guess who wrote a long lengthy article calling it stupid? FirstPost. At least they'd have the sense to not do that. One of the recommendations was against corporate ownership. Guess who owns FirstPost.

And third, life became exciting today. I sat in on a meeting b/w my MP and a Harvard professor who is related to the J-Pal people! :O

I can't tell you how it felt. I would expand but sleep.
Cheers to short hair.


Monday, July 10, 2017

Posting as Khushboo

It's been a busy week. (Finally!)
A lot to talk about. A lot realized and seen. But let me just post as Khushboo (got this right on the second try - auto correct calls me Lisbon. Huh.)

I like my work (duh). But sometimes I feel that I am lagging behind. I will get there but. Tom Rosenthal is my new favorite. I can't yet sing along many of his songs but I love his voice.

Some mistakes you repeat a million times till you actually learn from them. I swear I want to type so much. But I should sleep. Weekend ends. Unprepared for Monday.

I always, always wished to be self contained but I wasn't really. Suddenly I see myself becoming that without actively hoping for it. Things come to you when it's time.

Also need to earn some money. Fast.

Night. :)

Sunday, June 18, 2017


So this dream was a little different because it followed a script sort of a thing - it felt like the story was pre-planned and we were all just acting it out.

I have forgotten the details but there was this villain and obviously his gang. I was with a family and in the end all of them were dead. It was a big family.

Then he hurts himself a lot with an iron rod.

Oh wait before that two of us escape. Non-family members. And there are 4 gang members. Yaa, so both of us non family members find two policemen. And we take them there and as we are taking them there, I remember the script saying they'll die. So I ask them to bring in some reinforcements. But they are adamant and over confident. We just shrug. At a little distance off, we find the gang members chilling with other people, not making any effort to run. And then I see the villain and my blood chills. Because he's hurting himself with the said rod and his intestines have started coming out - and all this because he couldn't catch us. He was punishing himself.

So again, going back, the reason why he was chasing us. We had given him some documents.

Anyway he spots us. And the next thing we know, he packs his dangling intestines and pursues us. On a bike. Like doesn't give up, not this guy. Apparently he can't even hold the bike handles because he's hurting. And all of this was a part of the script. We saw him in the exact corner we were supposed to.

He then reaches us and says in a quiet deadly tone to give the papers to him. So my friend goes to get the papers. It takes her a lot of time. He is getting impatient. Finally I leave the room to go see where she is. I find her fake stamping those papers! Idk we have fake government stamps. This time duping is about principles. We can't let a bully intimidate us this way. A gang member comes in, sees her stamping, doesn't realize. Gets a little puzzled but walks off.

He comes. Doesn't notice her. Talks to me. About what? I had left some papers in a folder we gave him. It had some accounts and maths and he was explaining why it was wrong. I understood it but kept talking about it to save my friend. I remember having this moment while keeping him engaged where I think oh even the script said to do this, why didn't​ I remember?

Did I mention all this is happening in my house? Like Bhaichand Bungalow house?
Then we all are sitting together as he inspects the documents. He finds a little fault with them. That is when the gang member speaks up and says ya I saw them stamping the papers. He goes wild!

We are caught surrounded by bad people we've double crossed and that's the last thing I remember.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Morning! :D

So, it's 5-16 A.M. and guess what I have been doing for the past 3ish hours.


I love love love love studying things which are not in my "syllabus". Like I swear that I have been so engaged with the content. I barely got distracted and I will not lie, I am finding it challenging. I even want to read the optional material and study the statistics portions. But there's just no time. I want to study everything again.

And got rejected again today. Or maybe yesterday. That is one thing that sucks. Not the mention the very unprofessional behaviour of some other institution that asked me to send in my CV and then vanished - no reply to phone calls or e-mails. Yes I admit it was my fault for sending in the CV a day later than promised. But the person in charge should have informed me.

Delhi feels cool about now. I hope the weather stays as nice today. My view is an empty compound lot filled with garbage. So much wow.

I think I shall retire now. Today was a successful, happy day. :')
Because cold coffee, ice cream, vada and calls and call backs and people I like and an AMAZING meditation session.

Should not let blessings go by! :)


Thursday, June 15, 2017


Just because I wanted to say word that was happy and cute. Can words be cute? Clearly, yes.

So, I read somewhere you should write down 10 ideas everyday. Yes, that's right, ideas. Apparently it helps that you allow your mind to think creatively for some time everyday. I tried doing that - but by the end of the day I am too sleepy usually and during the start of the day I am in a rush to start my day. Can't really be creative with a sword hanging over my head.

But the problem with me is reading just too many productivity hacks. More than I can possibly fit in a day. And in the end nothing changes. So rule 1 - take one hack at a time. Because all of them are "good" but none will take away the trade-off. You still have just 24 hours. You got to make sure they are more than just, well, 'just'.

I am kind of glad today. I re-discovered my dream job profile/dream job organization. Working in research with J-PAL. I remember thinking a long way back that I wanted it and today was ogling all about it. Their work gets me very excited. I have a better idea of the fields that interest me that much.

So, this song came on. It is so beautiful. I think about the voices that make me smile and be happy. It's a sad state that I don't devote more time to music when it makes me feel so.

Today I grappled a lot with jealousy. And I am trying hard to get to the root of it. It's​ this weird thing which I have seen in my relationships with people as well - to keep getting better. But well, sometimes, in a weird negative way because you're trying to touch some impossible parameters. I guess that's what sets me off the most - when some people get to touch all of the extremities and that too successfully. It is a feeling of defeat. And I need to change that perspective. My time is all I have.

Gratitude is a good soldier against jealousy. Gratitude and mindfulness and the realization that you can't spend your limited resources on someone else. The realization that it's the circumstances that differ a lot. Hustling is the only thing that can help you. Just that. I think it's also important to remember how far you have come along on your own journey. Can't belittle your own achievements because somebody else turned out to be smarter, faster and (at least from the outside) better at bloody everything else. I read somewhere today that sometimes you tend to attach to the sentiment that a life values more if it's ahead of you. But tell me why? And what is ahead? It's so easy for me to get lost in this maze.

Also a beautiful idea was (this one from The Financial Diet) is to do at least 4 things simulation that interest you. That way you don't attach your identity to that just one thing - mostly your work. Let the things you are passionate about define you. So, next time when someone asks you what you do? Let it be much more than your work.

Life is beautiful. It gives you things sometimes while it is taking away something else. Not always but yes.

Ah, time I became cryptic again for I can be more honest about my own shortcomings than about somebody else's alleged ones.

Let my actions take me towards my dreams.

Good night :)

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


Hi peeps.

Not like anybody cares but here's life.
Studying. Applying. Getting rejected. Feeling dejected. Spending 10-12 hours daily with 0 company.

Getting infected with dreams. Realize they're probably going to get crushed.

Questioning what I am doing. A lot. Can't give up.

To be honest, feeling pangs of jealousy. Trying to get to the root of them. Because you possibly can't do everything and if someone does something amazing, doesn't mean you're doing shit. Makes sense? O.o

I hope it all works out. I am going a little bit crazy.

And sometimes it's going to feel like everybody's gone and they probably have which is also good maybe?

Have you ever realized that you're doing the same thing that you thought sucked in somebody else?

It doesn't all sound very coherent.

The only time I am happy is when I am studying.


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Long story about a short adventure.

So I just came back to Delhi from a 3 day McLeodganj/Dharamshala/mainly Triund trek trip. You'd think you don't really need time with such small places but you couldn't be wrong-er about that.

We stayed at a place called Yellow Guest House. I mention this because the owner was really cute and helpful and the place is on the main road, right next to the taxi/auto stand and stuff. Apparently it's even cheap. I felt a little sorry for the man because the place is actually a downward staircase away from the main road and he'd stand on the main road to get business. Oh, we even just missed the Dalai Lama on the day we went. Apparently, he was giving a speech till 11:30 in the morning. I had cheese soup that day. I love cheese soup. Went down to the St John in the Wilderness Church - it was pretty cool. Apparently Lord Elgin was buried there which made me wonder if it was the same Elgin after which the Elgin Road in Kolkata was named. There was also this plaque in the church in memeory of someone who was attacked by a bear in between all the war plaques. And even the bell there has this whole story and there were all these graves outside the church. It actually is in the middle of wilderness. There was this water basin as well where you drop a coin and ask for wishes? Mine didn't fall in the centre of the basin. No wish fullfillment. Damn. Then we planned to go see Dal Lake. It's in a place where only private taxis would go. So, we hiked up there. And we had to cross this area which was fully surrounded by monkeys. It was weirrrd. Then finally we took this short cut where we were accompanied by an uncle and 3 children and a dog named Chin Chin for half the way after which we left them behind. We climbed and climbed and climbed and eventually reached... nope, not the lake but a boarding school. It was such a tresspasser-y feeling. Apparently the lake is just outside their school and we crossed the whole campus to get there.

Here comes the trekking day. Left early morning with two backpacks and two two litre bottles in hand. It seemed chill at first and I pretty much didn't sit down until half of it was done (it is important to note here that it was the easy half - I met people then who said that the actual trek was yet to start). And the weather thankfully was amazing! So cool. I remember turning around one corner and the scene was so dreamy! It was all foggy and there were mountain goats and other cattle just scampering about. And another moment where it got so foggy, it seemed a dead end had come because the road was just not visible. It was beautiful. Yes, the steep parts sucked the life out of me and there were a gazillion people over-taking me but I just kept at it. I completed that trek in about 4 hours and only when you complete the trek do you realize how rewarding the climbing is. (Well, you don't realize it immediately because well, fog). But it got really cold and I had to put on a sweater. After chilling for some time, I explored a little bit. Then Meenal came up and we set up the tent and stuff. Had Maggi and coffee. I couldn't even rest properly and so I just went out wandering again and just sat and sat at this isolated corner. There weren't many people around because I guess everybody was resting then. I also did find network for two seconds. Haha. I went to the extreme edge where the guest house was. Finally went back and she was up then and we went back the same way with some detours. The fog had cleared and those snow capped mountains were fully visible! It seemed funny to me to have missed it before! This time when we reached the edge, a sudden intense wind started blowing and then it started to rain. We ran under the roof of the guest house. The guest house people started dismantling the tent in their own coumpoud because of the bad weather! Suddenly it struck me and I asked the man in charge there whether our tent would be blown away by the heavy wind. And he said it was highly possible if no one was there inside it; it might have even been torn. He told us how just the day before 20-25 tents had been blown away along with people's belongings inside them. Later, even another guide told us that the weather had been horrible - they actually evacuated people at 4:30 A.M. in the morning. He offered to take us back to our tent. If it had blown away it would have been very problematic because we would have no shelter for the night. Crazyy!

It was so hard to walk back with so much wind resistance even when he was guiding us. We actually did get swayed because of the wind. I finaly reached the spot and though out tent hadn't been blown away, it had fallen down. Thankfully, because of the hooks, it had stayed on the ground. Co-incidentally the tent renter also came there at the same time. We all mutually decided that there was no point in setting the tent up again because the wind would just push it down anyway. So, we put some bricks on it to keep it in place and let it be. We then spent a lot of time behind a rock trying to get protection from the wind. But it was really cold and my tracks were stupid and thin. Eventually we decided to go sit in one of those shacks that sell food up there. It was surprisingly cozy! A lot of people were huddled up inside. Fortunately, the winds died down in a bit. The tent man came and relocated it to a place which would not face the wind directly. (Our earlier tent position was on the edge of the wind facing side of the mountain. How smart.). He then informed us that the conditions that day were much,, much better than the 20-25-tents-blowing-away day one. I wonder how people had survived that day. We saw a lot of people take leave - cancelling their overnight plans because of the fears of rain and ferocious winds at night. Also, we did see a tent and someone's sleeping bag cover fly away. At those wind speeds, even leaves hit like rocks on the face and tears streamed out of the eyes. Too muchh. Legs had become too numb and I walked around trying to get the blood flowing. There was light up until 7 7:30 in the evening. Again we retired to the tent for a short pause. When I next left the tent, the sky was clear and the stars were out and all seemed beautiful. The tent next door had made a bonfire and everyone was just generally chilling there. It was all good but after a point they had only wet sticks left which gave out more smoke than fire and the conversation got boring, so we went back to grab dinner to our own tent. The sky also had clouded up again and there were distant rumbles of thunder.

After eating next to nothing, we tucked ourselves in (obviously, the zip of my sleeping back got stuck and stupid-ish like 3 times in the night). Then I was up till 12 to wish Meenal a happy birthday but yes, she was already snoring. Thank God, she woke up at around 12 so that I could wish her the coldest birthday she'd ever had. With little else to do, we went back to sleep. So I had this weird dream at around 3:30 where I was giving an interview. I was talking about something something Economics something and the interviewee asked me if I knew that my tent was moving and I was like what does that have to do with anything. But I opened my eyes and the tent was actually shaking so very much. I kept observing it and worrying about it falling and finally woke up Meenal when it got too much. We adjusted ourselves to help sustain the tent and within a second she was snoring! I was left alone to worry about possible consequences of tent collapsing. Then I figured I got bored and slept off too. Again, I was up by 5:30ish to watch the sunrise but Meenal wouldn't accompany me until the sun had made everything warm outside. So, again, I sat and watched nothing while thinking nothing except about how much I was shivering. Then, I swear to God, we actually lay on a rock basking like lizards. Felt so good. Keeping quiet felt so good.

Climbing down was a mistake. I mean see there's this normal route and then a short cut route. The short cut route crosses a waterfall which we wanted to see anyway. The short cut route sucks! You don't see humans there, there are no signs and it is super steep! Also, we might have taken a wrong turn or two, because the waterfall was nowhere near. It sucked to the power of infinity.

So I ended up with a blood clotted big toe, rashes, resurgence of that idiotic ulcer, a severe-r cold than the one I had before the trek, really sore body, dust allergy on both hands and legs and a longing for mountain life and it was all, all totally 100% worth it.

I mean you had to be there to see those things, to feel the accomplishment of the climb, to eat hot Maggi, to talk to people, to open your tent and see livestock outside, to struggle against the wind. Maybe next time we'll go higher up! :D

Also, important lesson. Aae Tatti Tera Naam Kya Hai shirt is a very nice ice-breaker. Next time you find yourself in a possibly awkward situation, wear it!! Not kidding, 4 people complimented me on it. A girl literally faltered and slipped while seeing my t-shirt. Also had like 2-3 people reading it out loudly. Sigh.

Anyway, that's all for today, yay!
Shall attach some pictures soon.. :) 

Friday, May 26, 2017

Naive. Hopeful. Year 2.

You know this weird sudden sensation you get sometimes?
You hear a song or see something and you get transported back to the time you were naive (well, naive than now) and so hopeful. When you were searching for meaning and were full of love.
Do you know it or is it just me?
I can't describe this getting melancholic thing. When something external is controlling me somehow, I don't know. Like I want back the simplicity. And the realness and the depth. The depth that I could never explain and that nobody else understood. The confusion lifts a bit but something else grips.
Just is. :)

So I am probably taking Gap Year 2. It doesn't even count as a gap year anymore no? Does it? It will definitely go better than last year man.

There are so many areas I need to work on. Where I can improve more. Surprisingly, writing is proving to be an asset! :)

Always keep hustling.
That line is my new motto.

Phone interview at 10:00 tomorrow. Triund the day after.
If you're calm enough, you can see the good. Of course you can always see the good, but you can seethe good more.

And now I am missing my family back home. They're the cutest people ever.

 Getting that irresistible urge to disturb someone but I will sleep now probably or go try Koko. Another new thing I fell in love with.

I got rejected by things I wanted the most. But that's fine. I hope I am able to help someone find their direction. Sometimes I ask V Apurva for advice. I wonder if she felt that things would not work out any time? Probably not?
But my main point here is nobody is making an informed choice here. We don't have even 1/2 the information about degrees or opportunities or specialzed streams. The system is a little screwed too. Someone should start telling kids how important knowledge really. And if they are doing it, try doing it in a better way because I doubt the message is getting across. Knowledge is greater than marks or money. It's a little piece of who you are. Sort of. Anyway will end the rant.

We just hope we will land someplace better! :D

Saturday, May 6, 2017

All Things Fall Off.

It's a good thing.
All things fall off because you don't need them anymore.
And it will suck at first, specially if you started out with less.
Actually no, correction, it might suck when you have less but one day you will realize while lazing about that you don't need much. When I realized that, it really was like a burden lifting off my shoulders. It was. Because suddenly I didn't have to run after a lot of things, I didn't need to keep people. I obviously can't stop trying or stop maintaining relationships. But after some point, you do surrender. Or should at least. Idk. I have read accounts from people from both the camps and well, ya.
I am angry today. Angry about things that I have the power to change, things that I don't just can't, things that I am but more about things I am not.
I think we've been so fed by the idea of what could be that we have given up on what is. Outside and inside.
And I am scared of accepting the bad because maybe it never will change then or maybe because it will make all the other parts any less.
I don't know where I am going with this actually.
Bear with me for a second more.
I am angry that what matters was lost and it's taking so much time to find it back. There is so much shit all around it that it's going to take  a lot of why's to get to the core of it. Sometimes I wonder if it's all just like a big bag of not required. But I need to strip all to the core. It's tough.
Need to pressure just the right amount. A lit bit under or over and it breaks.
It's a battle you fight alone and it's exhausting because it's a battle you just don't seem to win. And you get too caught up and if you are not caught up with that, you get caught up with bad TV.
Somehow I need to believe that this struggle is good.
That I will bridge the chasm to where I need to be; who I need to be.
But that requires patience. Shit tons of it.
And belief that I will actually get there.
Life doesn't have a fixed linear path always and sometimes you divert. Which is good, experience wise. And well, no mistakes other than untaken decisions.
Isn't it scary and empowering (although more scary) that it's all up to me?

Good night :)

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Asked By Reader #1 :D

Why is art important?

My artwork sucks. This type of comic thing will become extinct soon. Is extinct? I don't know!
I need talent. XD

There are just too many art forms and I am sorry I couldn't cover any beyond the traditional ones. And couldn't even wait to scan and upload them. Haha.

Anyway! :)

Friday, April 21, 2017

Success Story #1 + 2 viruses + 3 topics to cover today 4 you!

So today I will talk about something nice and positive = my faiba's story. Like I know I have already talked about her ear problems and all but today I was learning things from her - like stitching embroidery things. And the works she's produced. Wowww. I felt like giving up education and learning how to make pretty things from her and to earn from that. That would be really cool. But then I am a fuck all person and leave things in between.
We sat down together and I thought. This is a woman who has helped her family get through tough times without even having had a chance at good higher education. I saw her hand; her creativity in physical form and all that was self taught. She used to be an arts and crafts teacher. Today she felt so happy teaching me and showing off all her fancy things which must have taken a lot of patience to produce. Today seeing me at work rekindled a lot of dreams for her - of completing all the work left undone and to teach me x,y and z and restart making cards. I will not lie it felt a little good that I could do that. She's fought like crazy and is passionate till now even at her age (sure sure sometimes it takes a little pushing). She managed to stand on her own feet and some more. I would definitely call that a success story​. I have that same blood in my veins. This Velani can probably fight adversity too. Haha. No but I really like seeing success in this manner.

I am sitting like a retard right now because I got herpes and I have put a cream thing and am waiting for it to dry off. Funny things first. I had friends asking me how I got it since they thought it was an STD and well, ya.  But can't blame them. I got herpes confused with hernia and had figured it only happened to boys.
Another reason to not blame them is I googled it myself. All pictures are of the genital hernia type. And I went around telling people I had hernia. No people, no! I have the normal disgusting kind of it. On my hands and legs. I would have shown a similar picture but too icky. Basically it's a group of pus filled boils that burn and spread around. And it's a virus thing. I am getting a cold too so double virus attack. Ughh.

Today is Rhea's birthday! :D
Amazing girl, college friend. Love her individuality and her commitment to reading and her life goals and her humour and her love for animals and other good person things.
So when I called her she told me a fun fact. Apparently the Chinese eat noodles and prawns on their birthday. Noodles give you long life and prawns are round so they bring you money.
Now I know what I am having for my next birthday. No, not prawns. Idli and noodles. Haha.

What else is nice? Umm, food. I am hungry. My perpetual hunger makes a return. XD
Until the next time when probably my result will be out. Haha idk what I want still. Will make my mom crazy, I will.

Good night peopleeeee.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017


Sample achievements of a normal person :

  • Excelled at sports.
  • Landed a scholarship.
  • Started to date the love of their lives.
  • Created something beautiful which actually saw the light of the day.
  • Travelled wherever they wanted to.
  • Hot shot job.

Sample achievements of a person with anxiety :
  • Managed to look up into the faces of people for a whole 10 minutes.
  • Managed to keep arms not crossed - like you know the most defensive body posture ever.
  • Enquired about a suitable hobby.
  • Dared to dream while convincing yourself it is completely possible to happen to you.
  • Debated whether all of this is made up or just a self sabotaging pity party ploy, and won.
  • Good meditation session.
  • Managed to concentrate on the task on hand mindfully without despairing about life.
  • Talked to 2 strangers.

Sounds martyr-y, but I swear it's not. Just thinking about it today.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Hi. Would you be friends with her?

So there is this girl who gets kind of obsessive at times, who doesn't know shit, wastes a lot of times.
She is so confused and worrying about it makes her sick.
Sometimes to the point of well.. it's just scary.
Sleep seems easier to crawl back into.
I think she is tired of such days. Because she can't guess the underlying reason and so much time waste tbh.
Worry will make her hair white.
She allows small waves to rock her boat.

Its tough but I am trying to be friends with her. She balks at softness sometimes but I know it helps maybe.
I think she is a little brave under all the fear and is always trying a little bit harder.
I think she can get it all done inspite of feeling weird.. She can if she believes she can. She can manage it.
Maybe if there is a little more fight?
She doesn't tell me but I think she is good things too.

Would you be friends with her too?

Saturday, April 8, 2017

For the lack of something profound

I wish I had something profound to say but I don't.

I feel very human right now. And in order to not stress my brain much I don't want to think why it feels bad because you know being human is kind of the greatest thing ever shit. It doesn't feel like that. No.

I am doing what I read in a Buddhism.. well, I wish I could say book but read it in a Buddhism Reddit thread. They have this whole surrendering thing. Like Buddha (if it's a part of Buddhism, Buddha did say it, right?) says that we should be detached to what we are experiencing. Like observe and actually be in the moment and see inside without judging. I think it's pretty cool. It's like.. you wish and be determined and work hard with all your might towards what you want. Sometimes you are going to be dealt a bad hand. You continue working but yet surrender to things you can't control. I think it makes sense for the two to co-exist. Work and patience make peace. Sometimes it's like the moment before the roller coaster is going to drop downwards. You can be mentally prepared but no matter how hard you clench it's going to happen. You will die for those 3 micro seconds. In fact if you ease up it turns out better but these things never come naturally.

I was in the parlour and I think it's one of the.. I am at a loss for adjectives. It's a place you feel violated in but it can also be friendly and fun. But painful. Sometimes necessary. For me, it gives me a lot of time to think unless it's a very chatty lady in which case I have to give up on trying to be alone with my thoughts and play along with her talks. But mostly it's just listening really.

So today this lady was arguing when I walked in. I figured it was her boyfriend on the phone because she kept scolding him for talking to somebody else and to go back to that person only. She seemed majorly pissed and I was wondering what she would do to my hands because clearly her mood was horrible. It was a very legit concern. Someone else took up my arm and before it was even done she'd made up over a video call and was happy. Yet she was in no mood to work and I again wondered what she would do to my hand/leg because I had disturbed her call-to-boyfriend-make-up. I think the order is wrong but whatever. I had always thought she was married. But okay. Yay to her for being all lovey-dovey. Later on I discover she has children while she was talking to the next customer. So she was probably married and was fighting with her husband for talking and 'helping out' some other lady. Or does she have a boyfriend on the side? We'll never know. Such mysteries parlours present.

Yes my stories aren't interesting but they need to be told sometimes.

Focusing on the other human things. Failings. Idk.

Feeling jealous of the success of your own friends. You could feel happy for them simultaneously with a gunk of negative feeling about the direction your own life is taking.

Taking out your anger on somebody else.

Being lazy and not walking towards what you're supposed to.

Discarding something you liked because 'looking fat' felt like a legitimate reason.

Looking down on the road so that you don't have to look at anybody's face.

Hating on stupid all around younger, same aged kids because they're supposed to be normal and not hankering around for more responsibility.

wikiHow-ing the randomest shit and then not even reading it. XD

Having foot in the mouth syndrome and embarrassing myself often.

Oh so many things! But I will be going now to chaperone my young cousin to the Amusement Park. I made a pact to myself to not talk to anyone about what's disturbing me till the clock strikes 12 today. So yay that! :D

Friday, April 7, 2017

Random Shit #8162629

What is that thing called when you do something for the first time?
Things that take courage and things that are going to end in failure?
Things that are not going to decide the course of your life but make you anxious anyway?
Things that you feel you shouldn't have done but then you say chuck it and do it anyway?

It feels weird. And very let go-ey. And made-a-fool-of-myself-ey.

Sunday, April 2, 2017


A.k.a the creepiest/scariest/saddest/happiest dream I have had in a long time.

I forgot what was happening before this part happened. I was in the living room probably plonked on the diwan.
I heard dad's voice from the store room asking me to come there. Now I first felt mildly annoyed, the kind you feel when someone​ tells you to do some work while you were resting. Then I realized this wasn't possible. I went to the store room and there was faiba and daadi. The I looked back at the living room and daadi came from there too. And all the hair was over her face, hiding it. And then I realized that one of them is a ghost. I panicked and still in my confusion I knew the store room daadi was a ghost. I went to the living room daadi and started to tell her all the things in great fear but then every body vanished from the scene. My vision started.. slanting? Idk. I could see the dining room things like they were slanting and twisted, like you would see things if your eyes were closing while you're falling.
But thankfully everything became okay. Then I went to tell mom about what happened.
She was in a hurry going to the office but I stopped her anyway. Daadi joined us. I told them all that was happening.
Well, all the while that this was happening, I didn't notice that dad was sleeping on the bed talking to me too!! While narrating my story!
After I was done, mom and daadi were telling me that it's okay, it happens sometimes. But then dad started talking to me. Like normal talking. Like he was right there in front of me lying on the bed covered with his sheet, talking. I started crying because his voice was exactly the same as I had been unable to remember for a long long time. Like I could remember phrases but not a long continued talk. But the other people in the room looked lost and confused with my crying, they couldn't see anything or hear anyone..

It just ended that way! :O

Thursday, March 23, 2017

I Don't Remember.

Mother always said to not swing your legs as you sat
But I couldn't help it
I always did that when I was restless
Here I sat in anticipation, waiting;
My eyes kept on swinging back to the sky
The clouds had come at last
And I waited for them to act on their threats
Their threats to burst.

I was armed and ready
The pots and pans in place
And as the drops came thundering down
I ran out and cupped my hands
And watched as the drops slipped from in between
My vessels filled slowly
I heard them receive the blessings from above

I stood in front of the mirror
Drying out my hair
So she asked me -
I couldn't be there. How was the rain?
I smiled and said I did all that I could but some water flowed away
Maybe if I had tried harder I would even have caught some more
So, I think it was a good rain.
She looked at me peculiarly, then said -
No. you didn't get me. How was the rain?
Tell me how the first drop felt
Tell me how it tasted when it touched your lips
Tell me how it was when you looked skyward and felt the shower on your face
Tell me how it drenched all your clothes
Tell me how it made you want to move; that you broke into a dance and sang
Tell me how you watched all the drops collect and the puddles form
Tell me how you said goodbye to the little streams that went away

And all I could do was stammer and say
I don't remember
I made out to explain to her that it was the desert
That rain didn't visit often
That water was important
I reached out to tell her
But she didn't look me in the eye
Then my explanations seemed vain.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Yet Another Set of Lyrics

Maine yeh bhi socha hai aksar
Tu bhi main bhi sabhi hai sheeshe
Khudhi ko hum sabhi mein dekhein

I like these lines. They happen to me a lot. :')

Thursday, March 2, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day28

Wow I am at the last day of this thing! So soon!
Today's prompt is - one little word.

What word should I choose? This is difficult! So many great words to choose from. Although the question seems to have been framed in such a way so as to make the most obvious answer love. Or am I imagining things?

Well, this is tough. I have already backspaced a million words. Okay, let's not think that much.. let's choose time.
Time is so flexible and malleable but yet it waits for no one. You can't control it. Some might say it doesn't really exist. If life is a story, then time are the pages of a book. There is always a sequence and the each part of the story unfolds on its very page. You can't force its hand. You have a fixed limit of it. It can even heal things. Such propertis remind me of Fawkes!

And well, here it is. :)

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day27

Blogs you love.

Hmm, I don't read any except the occasional craft blog! But yes trying to change it! Excited to read new stuff. :)

Monday, February 27, 2017

Sunday, February 26, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day25

Letter to your 16 year old self.

This question would have been more suitable if I had been like 40-50. What about the 16 year olds that take this challenge, huh? Anyway let's get on with it.

Dear 16 year old Khushboo Velani,

You've got a dozen shitty pet names by now!
Hi! I have so much to tell you!
First off stop worrying. It's been 5 years and nothing has worked out yet either. Your worry is futile. It didn't get you anywhere.
Instead read more and more like you used to when you were younger. It will really open your mind. It also makes you stop worrying. And, well, neglect real life.
Things you never foresaw are going to happen. Like with dad. But you'll survive. You'll survive everything and grow stronger every single day.
You are going to feel like giving up a million times. Things are going to go way, way, way downhill but it'll be okay. You'll fight it off because you will be trying so very hard. Learn to be proud of it.
And be gentle about it. It's all a-okay! 
Stop worrying about college too! Admist all this suckiness, your college friends will have a big hand in getting you through shit. They're some of the nicest people you meet. First days are always horrible. Get used to that fact. Last days will be even more horrible. Get used to that too.
Learn that you won't always get your way. You will just have to let go. You will still have many of the same people in your life, but your relationship with them will mature significantly.
You think you're wise but you haven't yet scratched the surface. As you go out, you'll meet a lot of grey and the grey will make you question everything you knew to 'be true'.
You'll learn slowly that this world is too big for stereotypes. No persons fit into a box. Take your time with them. Figure them out. You'll enjoy it.
Soon you'll realize you love Economics but after graduating in it you will not love it as much. Just a small indicator of so much change to come.
You have to learn to just let people be sometimes. Even they are going to change and the way you perceive them is also going to change. 
Sometimes you will have to live with not knowing the reasons. And this is not a growing up thing. It's a life long thing. Start growing comfortable with it.
Oh, oh, adulting sounds scarier than it actually is. Don't get me wrong all this responsibility is scary but becoming your own person is the best thing ever. I know you hate growing up, but you will anyway. Stop stressing out about it as well!
Similarly there will be some things which will make you want to say no. I cannot emphasize this enough but - START SAYING YES. MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF. PLEASE!
Haha, five years on, you'll have faced some of your major fears and acted on some of your dreams. 
You'll realize how trivial some things are.. so trivial you probably won't remember them after a point. You still need to remember not to fret about it though.
You'll learn your lessons.
You'll have been writing for a long time!
You'll meet Sister Flavian a lot too!
And oh, you'll finally shift after 5 years. I know they started talking about it then itself, but it's going to take a lot of time to come to action.
All in all, it's a good life.
Always remember - stop stressing and say yes. 

I will see you in a while!


Saturday, February 25, 2017

Guest Post(s) Day! (#day24)

Get a guest to write a post.
Boo you prompts. I will get multiple people to write posts. Here they are in order of submission! :D
Big shout out to these guys. :)

"I used to be a happy kid, but probably fused a wire in the laughter board while growing up, then I realised, the problem wasn't just mine, infact the whole world needed a fix. Laughter did not come that easy to everyone who grew up, I wasn't the only one suffering, people in general had a hard time having a good heart laugh. So here's to all those moments when we laughed so hard that our stomach hurt, to the moments when we laughed until we cried, because the pleasure we get from a good heart laugh is a wonderful thing and these moments are precisely what makes life worth living."
- Tanya Anand

So Must I

I peep out of my window,
And look at the night sky, strewn with glitter,
A million stars, twinkling with childlike wonder,
As if to seek a million answers and then a couple more,
And do so unabated.
I realise, so must I.

I look out of my window and see the sun; meek at first,
Rising and shining with all its might,
And so it does,
And so must I.

I look out of my window, to see the mighty mountains,
Hail, rain or sunshine,
Standing tall in the face of all odds,
So must I.
So must I.

- Aanchal Arora

"When I opened to the last page of a book in my proximity so that I could tear a piece off to clean some stain, I found a little insignificant something scribbled by a certain someone who went from an almost friend to a bitter enemy to a forgettable being. But my hands hesitated to ravish a memory which was but significant and which immortalized a person who held no value anymore. And I wondered why.
I have faded bills saved from unpopular cafes, and torn tags from clothes grown out of. My phone gallery is 40% blurred and almost pictures. Almost because my face was probably a degree away from the best angle possible. I have screenshots saved of conversations of and about people who are blocked now and put under the to-forget list.
Even though..
I continue to explore newer restaurants with my constants, have a content wardrobe and new clothes a click away. Oh wait, scratch that! Content wardrobe is an oxymoron.
And, touchwood, I keep meeting almosts who come as a present, packed with hope, who smell of freshness and promise restoration. Today an almost, tomorrow a constant? Hmm, maybe :)))
But I'm still afraid to let go. To let go of memories. Memories which are insignificant, which don't tell the whole story, which are reminders of the ugly parts; which are damaging in nature. About things lost, of times been and forgotten, of people who betrayed, of roommates who didn't bother to turn off the fan when I was sick, of random people who truly didn't mean anything.
Possibly detrimental and mostly useless stuff.

But I'm afraid to let go. And I wonder why?"

- Apurva Ramani

Friday, February 24, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day23

The joys of blogging.

Hmmm, numerous at the expense of the people who actually read this shit. XD
I have a whopping 8 legit followers now. :P
Well mostly the fact that I can write whatever I want to, whenever I choose to. It's public yet it's private. I mean I don't hold illusions that I can be super blunt here but it's nice and comfortable.
Blogging just feels like my thing. You get to write and that too without anyone breathing down your neck commanding you what to write on.
You can cuss, share your obsessions and be happy and sad and give yourself important life lessons and maybe even reach out sometimes. This whole thing was made for reaching out tbh. A lot happened since. My first post is somewhere way back in 2014!
And just as an added happiness thing, it always feels nice when people actually read it. To cross viewcounts and adding countries of the viewers list shouldn't make me happy but it does! It does! And just sometimes someone comes up and says something about how relatable it was or how nice it was and the world seems a better place.
It also makes good conversation sometimes.. and makes me slight more interesting. :P
Haha kidding, kidding.

Have a nice day peeps! :D

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Stars, Songs and Blogging Challenge (#day22)

Today the stars are twinkling way too much. A certain small star is twinkling like a disco light. And I can almost spot the Orion but can't connect the bow part somehow. The triangle part I got. They are too dim too today.

All seems peaceful.

Listening to this song - Wonderful World the Louis Armstrong one.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, and the dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, saying "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you."

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

Such optimism! And so beautiful and he looks so happy singing it that you'll feel at peace too and bad days don't matter. He is just so so so happy!

Also Lag Jaa Gale! Amazing. <3 amazing amazing!
Makes you sad and nostalgic and thoughtful.

Today is a good song day in general.

And as for the challenge I have to review a movie/book.
What should I review? I am not going to do this properly anyway.
Last movie was La La Land. Actually Passengers. But that one was stupid. La La Land was good. You feel a little sad for Ryan Gosling though. The songs are good, good. City of stars everyone knows. Duhhh.
Last book was short stories by Chekhov. It was nice in some places but it felt a little drawn out and too descriptive for me. But some really cute stories too! :))

Hehe. Good night everybody! :)

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day21

How you fight fear/stress/anxiety.

Many things.
Meditate. Sleep. Talk. Write. Read. Draw. Talk some more. It's more or less gone after that!

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Story Without Words (#day19)

Here comes Khushboo again with her bad drawings and with no explanations this time. Whoopee.

Except also it's not really a story. It's a narrative. Non linear narrative? Description? No one cares? Auzstfegssghbg. It's done. :D

Monday, February 20, 2017

#28daybloggingchallenge #day19-20

A story without words.
I already have an idea for that. Promise tomorrow. I am dead right now.

Describe Home.
Done it a 1000 times over on here. In short where you can do potty in peace.

Now I need sleep. Bye.

The People Diaries - 5! :D

The person prefers to be known as anonymous!@

I don't know how we became friends. I mean I know how we became friends technically but I am just trying to show here how easy he makes it to trust him. He is one of the most chilled out people on the face of this universe and has always some new stuff working in his mind. He is full of new ideas and philosophies that he sometimes forgets himself on asking again. But if he calls you your own, you're lucky because he never hesitates to help you and to make life easier for you. He has his priorities clear in his mind - he will only do what his heart dictates - and sometimes talking to him can make your mind calm too, like still water and then you can see your own thinking being reflected in your conversation. He has varied interests and some kind of a spooky prediction thing going on for him too. Like magic.

3 words to describe yourself.

Elaborate. Specially on water.
Waves inside me. Sometimes wild, sometimes smooth, sometimes whirlpool which drags people around me in. I'm the water which can get what it wants. I enter a place and take all I want with me. If I want to turn golden, I can. If I want to become sweet, I can. I can do all I want. I can win all I want. I'm an ocean by myself. I have an ocean inside me. I'm passionate. I'm water.

This sounds so confident!
I'm pretty confident. I can get if really want anything. Things happen if I want them to

What is the source of all this strength?
Not that I know of any. Maybe faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, destiny, lucky.. blah blah blah. I think it's human nature. If wants anything, they will get it. Wo SRK wala dialogue.. puri kayanaat thing. [Kehte hain agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaho, toh puri kaayanat usse tumsse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai]

So it just comes naturally to you or you've cultivated this? This way of thinking?
What way of thinking? I didn't get you there.

This confident thinking that everyone gets what they want.. that I will get what I want. It doesn't come to everybody. So did it come naturally to you or you cultivated it that way?
My life had a few downs.. and a few ups too.. it's not like everything was awesome.
But it was never that a problem didn't end. It always ends. Maybe this small positive attitude made me so. Maybe coz I see this world to be beautiful. My home is beautiful. My school is. My taxi wala is. The sky is. I have faith in almost everything and everyone. It makes me believe that sab achcha hoga. And I have never wished bad for anyone. So here I am, wishing good for everyone, and getting good always.
P. S. I don't think any child around me prays for happiness of the whole world each and everytime he prays. I do it Bachpan se.
That's thoda positivity in me.

What made you realize that you were growing up?
Made you? I'm still growing.

Umm okay.. first grown up realization?
I don't think I understand this question. Can you answer it from your perspective so that I'm able to understand

Like..I realized that I was growing up when I started understanding the nature of relations. And also that so many things are temporary.

So didn't you have your moments?
My dadi and mom and everyone says I was born mature. Like I was never a kid. And no bachpana and no Masti and no gandi aadat. If my shirt is tucked in my pants early in the morning, it won't be out till night.
But yaa, I grew up. Maybe when I entered basketball and started doing good in it. Confidence aaya to talk to everyone and go out. Then High school became easier. Uske pehle I wasn't good in anything. So yaa. Bahut kuch aise hota Raha n I have been growing.

Okay :)

What do you want your story to say?
I don't have a story yet. I will have one soon!

What's the one thing you wished people knew about you?
That I am anti social. I can live alone. I don't give a fuck to this world.

Your biggest strength?
1. I know what people want and I'm able to give it to them. So a people's person.
2. My parents.

What are some of the things on your bucket list?

Whatever you have in your mind
Buy a hill. Build a fort on it. With narrow stairs and big basements and hiddens rooms and heavy wooden doors. Aive bas.

And continuing.. what according to you makes a happy life?
Inner satisfaction

What gives you satisfaction?
Satisfaction is not a thing for me. It is an attitude. A balanced satisfaction towards life. It has developed looking at my dad. Satisfied with what he has, not running behind extra money or incentives. He lives his life without any tension even when we are short of anything. Hard work se sab theek ho jaata hai. Tension se kuch nai hota. Patience and satisfaction keeps one happy.

And also, things/emotions you couldn't dream of living without
Aisa kuch nai hai jisse I couldn't dream to live.

What drives you?
I'm not driven at all.

Nothing motivates you or drives you? Nothing inspires!?
Nai. Nope.

Ye toh pehli baar sunne

So what do you fear?
Many things:
Old age
Aur bhi cheezein hongi :P

Most people ka main driver fear hi hota hai.. fear of not living up to your potential and stuff.
Ye sab bakwaas nai hai mere life mein!

[A/N - This ended a little abruptly but 'I am not driven at all' is one of the best answers I have received till date.]

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Random Shit #7152537

The photos are thoda crappy because bad camera plus what you see with your eyes can never be recreated really. But look at the sun! That bright orange dot (which has come out more like pale yellow). When you look at it it's so hard to believe that if you were close to it.. well you just couldn't exist close to it. It's hard to believe that it's surface is so angry and boiling. It's hard to believe it has some super strong amazing rays that disrupt life on Earth sometimes and could fry us potentially. We are under protection from it and yet on a pleasant evening you don't really believe it has any kind of power. #hiddenfascinatingthings
And imagine coupling the sun with a rainbow coloured sky! It just seems ridiculous.
This universe is a pretty amazing place and we will all die, say goodbye to everything. But I don't think it is stupid to look for permanent stuff in a temporary life. Why would you not? Certain kinds of permanence bring happiness. And yes I realize here that no person or thing is truly permanent but your relationship to it/him/her could be! Although how do you guarantee permanence? It would be like breaking an unbreakable vow thing. Am I sounding mad? But we're all mad here.
Such an ideal way to spend a life it would be. To see pretty things. To inhale deeply and not be able to speak.

Uncertainties. How much time we spend thinking about them. We obsess about them. There have been books and movies on how you can turn uncertainties to your favour just by obsessing about them. Has it worked? It worked just about half the time for me but you could never surely attribute it to my obsession. It could have happened anyway..

Days have started becoming longer again. I sit wishing for miracles. There should be lazy songs. And restless songs. I mean songs for those two moods. Yes I know there is a Bruno Mars one.

Oh so yesterday I took a huge fat walk. Usually I am with someone, yesterday I was alone. And you know how there are dark zones mommies are afraid of for their daughters? Nothing happened there. On the brightly lit main road this guy stopped me saying madam, madam. I turned around and there he was a totally random stranger asking me to sit behind him on a scooty offering to drop me. I walked away and there he came by after sometime again. Oh I know, such a typical feminist rant. But these things didn't happen in my city before. I felt like even the stares have increased manifold. But what is the point of blogging about it when I didn't shout at him? It reminded me of Kolkata- how I didn't shout at the weird abusive(ish) taxi driver or the stalker guy who kept smiling at me or the millions of guys who've sung and objectified me and asked me if I was a model. Or the guy in Mumbai whose help to zip up my bag I was foolish enough to take because then he wanted me to talk to him or the uncle at the temple. And the first guy who ever touched me (or at least the first I remember) without my consent and I was so afraid to say anything because I was so young but Didi had already seen it. Each and every one of them. There was this article I read the other day, about how some guy didn't realize what a huge problem it was until his class was asked how many people had made changes in their decisions or altered their plans even slightly in the last week just out of fear of molestation/abuse etc. The guy then saw how nearly all the girls in the class had had their hands raised. Almost 0 guys (I forget if it's almost 0 or exactly 0). That's the difference. It did strike a chord with me too. I don't think we have reached the stage of blatantly dismissing women empowerment while we still struggle to live our lives as we want to.

Hmm, that might have been a little heavy. Anyway it's a beautiful day. Evening at least. Let this be a Sunday. :)

Oh also on a lighter note -

I have violated like 10 of these. XD

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day18

18/9. Little known facts about you.

I wish I hadn't undertaken this stupid challenge. The questions are annoying and not easy to answer now. :/

I make time tables constantly and never follow them.
I think meditating is cool.
I cannot shout for the life of me; even when there are like stalkers behind me and I am confronting them.
Stationary shops *_*

Beh ho gaya ab.

Friday, February 17, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day17

17. Describe your style.

Why are these questions so damn hard?

My style is lazy meets comfort. Yo.

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day16

16. Five favourites!

I know not many people read and respond to this but I want to list 5 favourites of random things.
So comment below on what 5 things to list my favourites of! :D

Ummm, favourite animal for example - dogs, elephants, dolphins, pandas and penguins.
Favourite chocolate - probably Diary Milk but can't think clearly because I just had sweet things and too much sweet is akjcjekxnsjssjs.
Favourite chocolate in ice creams - Amul

And so on! :)

Thursday, February 16, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #days11-15

Discontinued due to lack of Internet access. Attempts to asnwer it as I would have on those very days. Let's go!

11.What's in your bag?
Umm on 11th the answer would have been another smaller bag inside, handkerchiefs, chappals, some clothes, socks, that's about it I guess. Umm yaaa.

12.A favourite quote
There are many. I am just copying down some that come to me aise hi.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

"Indecision is still a decision."
And of course millions of song lyrics. That were tailored just for me. Lolol.

13. Happy Valentine's Day
Oh shut up. But mom did get us a tub of ice cream and Oreo Silk. Never fitting into clothes ever. :')

14. A big dream
Nai hai Bhai big dream. But to be able to buy certain things for certain people. Yes! And write actually well. More like comic really well. And read more.

15. A hard lesson learnt
Nah. Not really. Don't get too attached easily or people get creepy on you? People take advantage of you if you let them? Leave Facebook? None of these are hard lessons. I am a champion naa. Already smart.

It's cold outsideeee. Wait. Terrace does count as outside, right?
For random advice - catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away. Then teach me how to do the same. Haha.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Camp Things :)

Hi, I just got back yesterday from the whole Tumung-Dimna-Dalma thing and it was amazing. :D
I am still in the camp mode and I figured it's better to write about it now then later when my overthinking wrecks the whole thing (I can hear the approach of a tiny voice saying that I was just lucky) or time erases memories.
We had this feedback thing at the end of everyday where we would discuss things like strengths and weaknesses and improvement plans. It was a very good exercise - looking back at what you've learnt.
This post seemed to me something like that too. I learnt that sometimes you have to go against your body's instincts - to not buckle your knees when it seems safe and to not turn around when you need to see things, to let go, to enter the deep side of water bodies when you can't swim - the reward is so enjoyable. I guess you just need to say yes sometimes in life even when every instinct screams no because it could lead to wonderful things. Like the fact that I was so nervous to go this camp with this big group where almost every one knew at least one other person. I am glad I didn't say no.
I learnt it is okay to suck at things if you're enjoying them and you're learning something. The last day I think I held up probably 60 people behind me because I was so very slow climbing up this sort of mountain thing. I could see that it came so easily to other people. And I was panting and huffing and asking for "two minutes rest" every half minute. Hahaha. People started shouting from far down to hurry and tried to overtake me even and my mostly inaudible shut ups didn't work. I couldn't talk and kept charading answers and reactions. But when I finally got there it felt just as happy as none of this had happened.  To do something always wins over kich kich.
And obviously I learnt how important people are. I have known this for forever because I keep saying it but it is also important to assume that they are not bad in general. Even while I was failing and flailing there were still people who encouraged me and they still told me that I did good. Instructors even. Mostly with a smile they had just good things to say. Motivation actually works. It's something I didn't believe in but it actually does work. And teams stick. Even when they fail, it's nice to just stick together. Apparently no one points fingers too. I didn't see it in any of the 4 days. You hear things about how to improve but no fingers.
It's important to not assume things because you just ruin your own chances with that; this stands not only for being mentally discouraged before even starting to do things but also with things like making friends. One exception, like I said before, to this could be assuming that people are good. That they are not going to keep laughing at you while you continue sucking. And even if they laugh, it doesn't last and you learn to laugh along with all of them too.
So you can go without knowing anyone and come back with a friend or two or three or four or I don't know exactly how many.
Most importantly, you can come back to your boring old life where you are just two centimetres away from killing yourself but nobody, nobody at all can take away from the experiences you've had. You always keep it inside with the other things you've managed to collect during the camp to appease your hoarding instincts. And also secretly wish for it to be a start of something new.

This is my group 2. This is the only picture I found where we all were clearly visible.
I will start from the extreme end. That is our instructor at the end of the raft. Mahendra Sir (I hope I spelt it right). Now any other person would have shouted at me and called me 'buzdil' (lolololol, a small inside joke) but he didn't and I slowed him down so often but he was always so kind and gentle about it. So soft spoken, it's amazing really. :O I sort of lied to him once and I feel bad about it but it's okay.
The guy immediately in front of him with the plastic is Ganesh. And he sings so so so well.  The kind of singer I sometimes pretend being or write about wanting to be. And so patient and encouraging! Just nice person things. And we relate to Deepika on a personal level. Haha.
The guy in front taking the picture in yellow is Atul. Again, so friendly. And always smiling. And joking. He loaned me money but wanted 10 cakes as interest from my neighbor's mom but I think it's tough to make that happen. XD
These two were pretty much stuck with me 24 hours x 4 days. Them and their group. Them and their fun potty stories. I put responsibility on all of them to make sure I don't drift away with the river. I don't know what that was really about since I had a life jacket but well. Also they have this strange obsession with a song about gareeb Sudama going to meet Krishna.
Behind him on the left side is Ajit. He loaned me his shades for pictures voluntarily. And also took pictures voluntarily. Which means I should have a single picture somewhere. Hmm. O.o
Behind him is Pyare Puran. Gentle, soft spoken.
On the right side in blue is Arnab Sir. (I don't know about adding ji and sirs. I mean all of them were elder to me). He had come down all the way from Nagpur because of his mountaineering interests. Always had tips for everything, this man. Makes good khichdi and chokha.
Next is me in pink. I am awesome. Thanks.
Behind me is Ajay. He got his marriage fixed while at camp! Haha. It was a red moon day and we were camping and cooking by the river side when it happened. #justrandomthings
And all of them except sir have teased me so very much. But that's the story of my life. Being teased. Meh.
I hope all of them do really well and stay very happy. I don't know what happens next.

That's about it, I guess? Long post!
I have to go now anyway. So hungs. Kbye.

Friday, February 10, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day10

Travel story.

Maybe I should write about this one. Where I travel alone with a bunch of Tata employees. With it being the most physically intensive trip I might have undertaken. It's cool though. Day one and I am already enjoying. Did an obstacle course and flying fox and 2-3 group games. It's all chill. :D

Thursday, February 9, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day9

10. What are you learning this season?

Well starting tomorrow fancy stuff like making rafts and rappelling and other mountain stuff and tent pitching and rock climbing and orienteering and flying fox something. Well you get the gist. :D haha yay :D

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day8

8. A day in the life.

Depends on what part of life you ask, again.
Right now my life is blah. A day is blah. I do things but meh.
In college it was class, tuition, chilling, chilling with Apurva, chilling with tuition people.
Meditation would be a new addition.
I occasionally draw, write, craft, make comics and read.
That's about it! :D

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

#28daysbloggingchallenge #day7

8. Music that moves you.

Off the top of my head, most things by Coldplay and old stuff by Linkin Park. 2-3 old songs by Eminem. The Fight Song. The Nights and even Dare You in the new-ish music.

Actually it also depends. If I start thinking of back stories to go with the songs, so many would me. There was this Guetta song. The guy dies trying to save the girl by going back in time. People dying in 3-4 minute music videos is bad. :P
Oh ya, remembered the song - Just one last time.

Sometimes some lyrics take me back. Or make me imagine scenarios where I could potentially relate to them. Or the music is amaze. Many times such things "move" me to the point of obsession after which I start to bore of them. But I could also potentially return to them. The possibilities are endless. This is a very vague question and I cannot answer it adequately enough.