Saturday, April 8, 2017

For the lack of something profound

I wish I had something profound to say but I don't.

I feel very human right now. And in order to not stress my brain much I don't want to think why it feels bad because you know being human is kind of the greatest thing ever shit. It doesn't feel like that. No.

I am doing what I read in a Buddhism.. well, I wish I could say book but read it in a Buddhism Reddit thread. They have this whole surrendering thing. Like Buddha (if it's a part of Buddhism, Buddha did say it, right?) says that we should be detached to what we are experiencing. Like observe and actually be in the moment and see inside without judging. I think it's pretty cool. It's like.. you wish and be determined and work hard with all your might towards what you want. Sometimes you are going to be dealt a bad hand. You continue working but yet surrender to things you can't control. I think it makes sense for the two to co-exist. Work and patience make peace. Sometimes it's like the moment before the roller coaster is going to drop downwards. You can be mentally prepared but no matter how hard you clench it's going to happen. You will die for those 3 micro seconds. In fact if you ease up it turns out better but these things never come naturally.

I was in the parlour and I think it's one of the.. I am at a loss for adjectives. It's a place you feel violated in but it can also be friendly and fun. But painful. Sometimes necessary. For me, it gives me a lot of time to think unless it's a very chatty lady in which case I have to give up on trying to be alone with my thoughts and play along with her talks. But mostly it's just listening really.

So today this lady was arguing when I walked in. I figured it was her boyfriend on the phone because she kept scolding him for talking to somebody else and to go back to that person only. She seemed majorly pissed and I was wondering what she would do to my hands because clearly her mood was horrible. It was a very legit concern. Someone else took up my arm and before it was even done she'd made up over a video call and was happy. Yet she was in no mood to work and I again wondered what she would do to my hand/leg because I had disturbed her call-to-boyfriend-make-up. I think the order is wrong but whatever. I had always thought she was married. But okay. Yay to her for being all lovey-dovey. Later on I discover she has children while she was talking to the next customer. So she was probably married and was fighting with her husband for talking and 'helping out' some other lady. Or does she have a boyfriend on the side? We'll never know. Such mysteries parlours present.

Yes my stories aren't interesting but they need to be told sometimes.

Focusing on the other human things. Failings. Idk.

Feeling jealous of the success of your own friends. You could feel happy for them simultaneously with a gunk of negative feeling about the direction your own life is taking.
Guilty.

Taking out your anger on somebody else.
Guilty.

Being lazy and not walking towards what you're supposed to.
Guilty.

Discarding something you liked because 'looking fat' felt like a legitimate reason.
Guilty.

Looking down on the road so that you don't have to look at anybody's face.
Guilty.

Hating on stupid all around younger, same aged kids because they're supposed to be normal and not hankering around for more responsibility.
Guilty.

wikiHow-ing the randomest shit and then not even reading it. XD
Guilty.

Having foot in the mouth syndrome and embarrassing myself often.
Guilty.

Oh so many things! But I will be going now to chaperone my young cousin to the Amusement Park. I made a pact to myself to not talk to anyone about what's disturbing me till the clock strikes 12 today. So yay that! :D

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