Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Hahahaha. Tackling You Today.

It feels so funny to write about this. But I am frowning right now. And after so many days I felt like writing on paper instead of typing. [I think real writers should write on paper. :P] Here I am sharpened pencil in hand and an open book on the study table which I never use. Okay. 1,2,3.. Go.

Its hard to write about this because the details have become too fuzzy to remember everything. But I know I liked you. A stupid childhood crush. Looking back? I don't know why. I just don't see any reason. Except you were rebellious (I think - or was it just lazy?) and that probably caught my eye. And I need reason. I need logic. I need to see it. But can't find any here. Just being a girl, I suppose. And then you talked to me. Started with a congratulations for my boards. Hahahaha. Does this happen with many people? You crush on them and they come talk to you? Anyway, it turned into.. I don't know what. Turned into nothing.

Umm, some facts -
1) You pinged me. Continuously. Every day. For months. Incessantly asked me to do the same. I would wait around sure, but never ping first. 
2) You talked for hours. It can't have been easy to talk to a free, a little unguarded version of me. Because I talk shit! I like talking a lot. So, that equals to talking a lot of shit.
3) You twisted your words and indirectly implied I was important. You made my sister ask me to go online. :P [Dude, what were you!]
4) I started sharing a little bit with you.

Also facts -
1) You stopped talking. Suddenly. Randomly one day. Out of the blue. Then I started pinging you. Didn't reply even then.
2) We never transcended the line of talking online. In school, we were strangers. Thanks for waving though. :) [It is not a blame game but if it were, I'd admit it was my fault too].
3) You lied about such silly things that it cannot even be called lying. Like who does that? Why lie about knowing Maths? It's very minor but so ridiculous that I can't help pointing it out.
4) Oh, most of all, you tried to misuse my poem. Lord knows, you must have.

Frankly? There was nothing to you. You didn't talk smart. You talked about other girls a lot. No, I didn't mind it one bit. Not a bit. But yes, its clingy behaviour. All I knew about you were that you were a good friend (to other people of course, not talking about me). You never bothered studying. But what can I say? It really didn't matter to me because all the people in my life don't. And you seemed fun. Being borderline cheesy, [lol, I actually forgot what I liked about you and had to ask my friend] I liked your smile. People called you ugly, hideous. I always agreed. But not really. Never did I for a second actually believe you were really ugly. To this day I call you ugly because the world does but I in reality think you are pretty good looking. I don't know what you look like anymore. I deleted you and maybe even blocked you from Gtalk, don't remember. [Just checked, yes I have blocked]. My friend showed me a picture of you sometime back. You do pretty weird things. She knows what I am talking about! XP

You talked a lot about sadness a lot in the beginning. Being the angel that I am, I couldn't stand it. I invested a lot into trying to convince you to be okay. I counted down to your birthday. I have once texted you in the middle of the night because nothing felt right. That night was terrible, terrible. Thank God you were sleeping and I never told you why. I don't think I wanted anything to do with you. Didn't put much thought into it.

How can I explain it in the simplest of words? It's like there is a lame young adult fiction book of which you are a mildly interesting chapter. I don't nurse a broken heart. Like, big boohoo. I don't feel the urge to 'confess' or whatever. [It would be really hilarious if you do know about it one day]. But in this book, the author forgot to elucidate on your nature [did I use elucidate correctly?], on your mind. The reader can see what you are doing but can't figure out the why, your thought process. He is left asking why to all your actions! Why talk? Why befriend? Why behave that way? Why then be a gentleman and give congenial smiles?

Well, this reader has a hint though she would still like to know for sure. All the answers that I know are probably true and are extremely humiliating and embarrassing. To hear them in real life can't be that bad or could it? I fear I have been really stupid, that I believed your need-for-sympathy stories to be true and that you probably had the occasion and the lack of sensitivity to make my embarrassment public. It's hard to explain. I fear I am being stupid because somewhere I know I wasn't that important to discuss. I dread that I was just another person in that particular series. If this is true, then praise the Lord for making me the unsuccessful attempt - such horrible consequences it would have led to! Or you were just being a boy - the most probable explanation. I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want anything from you or expect anything, but you gave the distinct impression of being friends and friends don't conveniently forget each other this way, right? I must give off the impression of giving all of this a lot of thought, but God promise I don't. My friends offer alternative explanations that I don't believe even for a second. Many people think it is something worth moaning about but I flinch at the thought of being pitied or something for this. I am in my right mind and know 'it's not the worst thing in the world' and 'happens to everyone'; I just wanted to put these facts aside today. 

The thing is as much as I would like to stay away, this chapter will always be a guilty pleasure. I like dissecting and analyzing it. I am rather blank even right now, to be honest. [So hungry, didn't have dinner yet!] This chapter doesn't leave the reader heartbroken and weeping but there is this teeny bit of anguish. And the curiosity to know why. Very few things and few people should be given the power to hurt, and why should you be entitled to cause even a little bit of grief, however momentary, is something worth questioning.

Bye. Do well. I even now won't think bad of/for you. Even after my rose-tinted glasses have come off, when I can everything unbiasedly. I see myself clearly - so optimistic. Maybe an optimistic fool really. Have a good life. :D

PS - Do give the answers some day. :P

PPS - If I am being completely honest today, let me then admit that I might have thought about holding your hand once or twice. This is taking me a lot of courage to say. Making me squirm a lotttt. Even then I didn't see faces. Just a hand and warmth. :)
There is one more thing which I am not admitting today.
Also, my friend had a dream regarding this aspect of my life. Don't know why, I liked that particular dream.

PPPS - Maybe the whole of this has no point. No disrespect intended, but maybe some people are just too simple and don't have reasons and my need for a reasonable answer blinds me to this fact. Also, I could not have ended this thing with the above admission. Embarrassing.

6 comments:

  1. Owwww owwww owww.
    *Reads*
    *Re-reads*
    I knew there HAD to be SOMDbody
    *.*
    You write so well :*
    'Why should you be entitled to cause even a little bit of grief, however momentary, is worth questioning'
    Amazing :')

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Nooo. He doesn't really count. It was all very random and blah hi. But just a whole load of curiosity left behind! :P

      Anddddd thank youuuuuuuuu :"D

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  2. Replies
    1. Seriously? Of ALL the things you could possibly comment on, you choose this? -.-

      Delete