Moving: Two Weeks On?

It's absolutely crazy to think that I've been here for two weeks already. That's practically half a month. Taking a step back, no it doesn't feel like crazy. It feels normal because there has been so much happening in these two weeks, interspersed with a little bit of rest. Finally I have some time nowadays to myself and I'm catching up to how I have been doing. Today, I'm taking some time to write because if I don't, it'll not happen. My today's to-dos has about another 10 items, university begins in two weeks and everything threatens to take over my time (I'm still unfed, for instance).

The story of now makes more sense or has more continuation to my thoughts and feelings pre-moving. I think I wrote about it here, reminding myself of why I moved. It's because I was trapped in the things that made moving hard: a) moving away from people I love, some significantly old not knowing how much time we have together next, b) moving away from a well-established career and financial security, c) causing hurt to others by moving away, d) using money that isn't mine to more or less take a year off in a super expensive country and e) not knowing what comes at the end of that year - I was making decisions on the basis of what felt right and good study-wise without thinking of the reprecussions (relatively speaking).

When I moved, I was occupied with the logistics of things, awed by how this place looked. I was super aware of honeymoon periods but I think I got sucked into it anyway for a day or two. The people really were the sweetest and super helpful. Slowly though, as problems started coming up the earlier feelings intensified and suddenly I couldn't remember why I had moved in the first place. I mean.. I am not the most social person and probably will never be but I saw how smoothly conversations were happening all around me. I'm working on that but unfortunately didn't have an overnight personality change as per the demands of the situation. My old friend feeling-left-out came back again. I didn't like the food, couldn't understand what to buy or cook because nothing felt good. I sat through a few sessions and spoke to a few people and felt insecure in my course because it didn't have all that I wanted. In some ways, it still doesn't. In the middle of an ocean of people with different, opposing priorities I kind of lost track of mine. Plus, I keenly feel the physical absence of my people - its a balm to my anxiety for real. I'm not even counting the whole falling sick bit. It was one of the bigger ones in life, couldn't open my eyes enough or walk straight, lost motor control. Probably too sick to even cry I think. I'm still healing from it one week on. All of this and I landed straight up in the lap of major homesickness and uncontrollable anxiety. Like a chose a boat to sail on but it had no captain and I couldn't for the life of me see where I was going or why but couldn't touch the shore either. Lost faith in everything, I guess.

Thankfully I am blessed with a strong support system I felt comfortable in reaching out into. The anxiety was unbearable. Waking up hyperventilating or scared and stressed out.. feeling like nothing nothing would ever work out. Nothing could make me feel better. But slowly, these conversations started to give me the shape of what I'm looking for. I started to hear back what I needed, of how I could deal with the hard. It's so good to remember that? I lost sense of who I was. Now that I'm a little better today, I think its good that I write and try to force all of this into my brain.

It's okay to feel lost and scared. This is a normal part of the process. It's going to suck even if you go in knowing its going to happen. Self-awareness helps because you can at least tell yourself that this shall pass too. I think I have very less control over how I feel but I do have control over letting myself feel my emotions instead of fighting it full time. Lean into it haha. I know its happened before and it will happen again (periods of not liking anything and stressing) and that is how I also know to sit with it until it goes.

What helps me is to talk to people a lot. Its frantic but only because it helps. Therapy has made me consider also that it's okay to take that help and we weren't supposed to solve everything on our own anyway. I think I have to remember that it's okay really - it's okay to be slow, or different or weird or a little by yourself. I have to actively try to not let my idea of me be swayed by everyone else. And even in that not compare to inherently confident, self-assured people even if they are friends. My journey doesn't look the same but it has meaning for me. My experiences have value. I'm going to fuck up and like today wake up scared again but I have to work at keeping my glass full by myself how much I can. That reassurance is mine to make. In a place with nothing to anchor to, I have to create some. I understand why people talk about working out or reading or listening to music. Its a tether connecting you to reality. I need to focus and think about what would make me feel good and prioritise that. After all, it was one of the reasons I came here. To know myself deeply, including knowing what I like and how I want to design my life. My mind feels at danger sometimes or even actively makes me think about situations which seem dangerous to me so that I can prepare in advance. Just something I have to work with. 

For me, moving is not a matter of earning big fat money. It is a matter of earning enough but focusing on other goals as well. Self-growth, exploring, seeing the world, handling myself, meeting new people, learning at a university and getting that degree. I'm trying to think of moving as a means to explore opportunities that I wouldn't have at home. In fact, this could mean only one thing. This journey and hardship and time is a success simply by my existing and being true to my goals. I don't need to prove anything to anyone else. That energy would be better spent on saying yes when I want to and saying no when I want to and to understanding the difference. Maybe that means making a list of 50 career options, maybe that means reading a book or finally paying enough attention to my physical health. I'm here and just being aware is good. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm blessed to have people looking out for me and being there for me. It's time to remember all the littlest gifts I've been given to reach here today and not only feel thankful but rememeber that no matter what, at the end of the day all I've come here to do is do what I want to. Its scary and intimidating but also an immense privilege. It doesn't mean I love less or care less, it was just one option of many and I chose this one. I give myself credit for having the courage to do that, from being that person who couldn't imagine it happening to someone who somehow has lived here for two weeks already. I give myself credit for my whole life too, it was difficult throughout and even if it wasn't professionally #goals, its given me resilience and skills. Each experience, each decision has brought something that perhaps I can't even see. It's time to value it though, not hide behind it and brush it under the carpet. I'll find things I'm looking for.

To being that person who intrinsically is optimistic and knows it all works out (getting there, never wanted something so desperately)! <3