Moving: Dreams?

Today was a fairly good day in a while. I can now see a lot of the things I got from home (I assembled a rack for the same). The room, my room, looks fairly filled but in front of me I have a sketch my sister made for my birthday and behind me I have a book signed by a friend. It's important for me to have a bit of home. Familiarity feels nice. I did a small jiggle today after who knows how long. It was a quiet day, all by myself, a couple of videos and a good pizza. I missed buying a beverage. And chocolates, always chocolates. It's so nice to want things for a change.

I kept my balcony door open because it gives some fresh air in my otherwise mostly closed room. As the eveing progressed, my mood worsened. I am doing exactly what I wanted to, some work done. People have plans but I never liked dressing up and doing the club route, much less with people I don't completely feel at ease with. It's pressurizing because if I keep saying no, I soon won't be invited anymore. However, I only have me and biking back home in the cold at 2 AM, perhaps drunk, doesn't feel very appealing because this city is still strange to me. I would have gone for this really exciting art thing but hopefully I can move around more in a week's time. Not now, not even if I want to. The thought of not catching up with work anymore is scary. In the zeal to really understand what I'm doing, I'm watching and rewatching things, falling behind. But I want to get it right this time (hello extra 400 euros). I'll talk about it later because its another kind of pressure and decision paralysis.

Back to point: it slowsly dawned on me why my mood got off. I can hear laughter from next door. Not the pool house, the one with the big furry dog. This weekend, same as last, there were warm yellow lights, outdoor seating, probably wine and loud happy laughter. I think I miss the laughter a lot. Perhaps I should try harder to integrate where laughter is, be flexible and adaptable but currently I don't want to get myself to. Even if it will be "good for me". I cannot imagine a future without coming home often, without this laughter and people. I thought harder and dreamed a space as warm and lovely, where people always come and go and there's love. That is what I want the most. The domestic dream. I think I'm inside Lonely City.

I was talking to this guy called Simon the other day and he said that every time you move is a chance to redefine yourself and choose what you want. I liked that thought. I think I came here to do that - in a rather expensive and arduous way. Teresa said you just have to find your people. It's occurring to me that maybe my people cannot always be 22-24 year old really sweet and friendly Europeans who like to party without a care in the world and can manage home-study-work everything with their youthful metabolism, feel no culture shock and homesickness and who can move back home quickly for work, just because we were put in a class together. Maybe sometimes? Not always. It does not determine by likability at least, that's for sure.

Ahh it started raining and my neighbours have now moved indoors. I can't hear them anymore. May they have a happy, joyous night! :)