Monday, July 20, 2015

My Story.

Remember all those people you keep asking why they are crying? And they said nothing? And you get annoyed?
Well, I wouldn't be lying if I said nothing.

Yes. I suffer from irrepressible urges to cry all the time, without any reason. At least, without any substantial reason. I say suffer because its hard. Its hard if your natural reaction to everything is cry - your mom hugging and sleeping you or you saying bye to your favorite soft toy or reading a beautiful Humans of New York post or seeing your dad suffer or a sad animal or just thinking about crying. How can all of these elicit the same response?

You feel stupid and weak and vulnerable because you feel everything with such intensity. And then you start to question. Is all your feeling actually imaginary or self made? Are you pretending to feel? If you feel everything with the same intensity, is it even called feeling then? Or just an excuse to be miserable?

And the worst of them all is crying for no reason. Its the worst because you don't know how to combat it. You start shielding yourself from things that hurt but how do you start shielding yourself from no reason? How do you stop?
Even after crying you feel drained. Exhausted.

After feeling so confused then, you try and turn towards people. Make no mistake though. You've already talked yourself into a dozen fresh starts and a dozen better tomorrows first. You try taking a dozen projects because that's what stops your mind from going into overtime.

When I was smaller, I used to have a bad day or two in between. Even then it was pretty cool, I had people to always cheer me up. Everyone was free-r then. Sometime last year I started confiding again. It was getting way out of hand. But its kind of different now. Now everyone has their own tests and trials and worries. And I don't even blame them. I am never ever alone, the people who matter have always told me that. But its hard to remember that when you are battling alone and trying to quell all the swelling inside and you can't say anything about it because you'd just end up pushing the other person away. It feels alone when you are suppressing your thoughts.

Its all the more sickening when it sinks in that all this is happening because you can't even control your own mind and thoughts. Its scary to think about the implications this might have.

I looked for reasons yesterday. Two came up - depression and anxiety. It can't be depression because I am a 'silver linings' person and I am very grateful for all the things I have and all the happy days I can still feel. Also, depression is a very strong word and I can't even be that.

All I can be is busy. That is hard to when half your mind is concentrating on stopping your own thoughts and reminding you to be in the present. Imagine reading while simultaneously thinking this. And God forbid its a sad book.

While I know that people can't be at my beck and call, it would be nice if someone kept reminding me that it would be okay. I tried telling other people but I don't some and some it was never the right time with. I don't need people comparing my life with others because I know that I don't have real problems and oh, gratitude? I could write a book on it. Just makes me feel worse that I am letting everybody down. I don't need anger either. Or contempt. I have enough of that too.

I don't know why I wrote this. What I hope to achieve. I don't want pity or a mockery made out of me. It's a little patch of tough time. All I know is I want to put this way behind me. Look back and say I survived this. Because if I survive this I can survive anything else. I know. I can't be weak and need patience. Small, baby steps to combat every small bad feeling. Slowly. I didn't want to be left behind because of all these crappy things. But maybe I have no choice. I will try. I will succeed. Even if that means writing 'its okay' on all my books and notebooks. Even if it means taking deep breaths every five minutes to stop crying. Maybe I will start praying again or maybe meditating. Maintain a mood diary. Think of bigger better goals to focus my attention now. I can fall back on some people in times of emergencies. Its hard I know. But I need to make it. One day at a time.

I need to heal. I won't let this become a part of my identity. I won't.

PS - Mom asked me again why she saw me cry twice and why my eyes were the size of mini golf balls and I broke down and she said we would find a way. That's what I need more. We'll fimd a way.
Although.. This is precisely what my mom doesn't need. :(

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