Sunday, June 28, 2015

An Account of Someone I Know.

Did anybody else ever feel like that?
She wondered.
When you wake up in the mornings and all you feel is cold inside?
When you replace your 'Good Morning' with 'I can make it today' while looking at yourself brushing and then force yourself to smile?
When you need to hug something to feel a little warmth?
Because hugging someone just makes it worse.
You could dodge, duck, divert
And you would know it was never enough
For it was inside you. It was you.
Was it possible to feel so down on one of the happiest places on Earth?
To go through the motions -
But constantly watch yourself, control yourself, prevent more hurt.
To be your own personal physician
To monitor and chart your insides regularly
To adjust them to prevent yourself from becoming an anomaly

All this regulating made her think
How does everyone do it? Weren't they insecure or scared?
How could you prevent the questioning and the cross questioning?
Were all of them blind?
Time was fleeing
Every second meant change
What is here now was going to go away
What was theirs wasn't necessarily going to stay that way
You had somewhere to reach
But you're already lagging behind
You've failed enough
All that you've missed out on
All that you wish to be a part of
To catch up, was there time?
Now that the monster had finished its hibernation
It fed and grew strong
It closed her off in isolation
Created even more fear.

She was distraught for there was nothing to blame
Did that make it a matter of shame?
People helped. Dependency ruined.
Why couldn't she be like Mrs. Dubose - 'beholden to nothing and nobody'?
It wouldn't matter how much she cried, spoke or wrote
She could possibly never explain how real it was; how difficult the struggle was,
When those phases took their course
Just being was the key.
Music was the key.
Normal was the key.
Laughter was the key.
Less was the key.
Self was the key.
Now was the key.
All she perhaps wanted and didn't really know
Was someone to tell her it was going to be okay in the most humane, understanding and non-patronizing tone.

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