The Love Letter I Never Wrote

Thought before writing this here a million times but maybe this needs to be there somewhere, in the open, said loud and clear, apart from my diary

Our family shows love by little acts of service - is there anything to stitch and mend? can I get something for you? go and sleep, I'll wrap this up - but I wish it was as simple as saying I love you and I'll miss you and I am thinking of you. Life is too short to not express love, to not show it.

It was easier for me to feel guilty about my responsibilities than to understand and express that I'll miss them. That I'm sorry I won't be able to take care of them as much. That I want to protect you from feeling bad but I can't. I'm sorry you have to feel this alone.

Maybe I know how feeling bad and abandoned feels and after you've had a lifetime of it, I didn't want this for you. Maybe. Maybe I realize how much out of my control it is. Maybe because that is how I show my love and now I can't anymore. Our lives are too short and I hope we see each other a LOT LOTTTTT.

Maybe I keep saying that you need me because it's easier but I need you too. Maybe it never does get easier - at 18, 20 or 28. Maybe I don't want to miss anything you have to share but my timelines are too tight.

Maybe I know how new, how hard-won and how precious are closeness is and I don't feel ready to let go. Maybe the pain doesn't seem worth it. Not even after those horrible days when I blame you for everything.

Maybe it is also that time when everything else is shifting so fast and in a way I don't particularly like, when I've found myself dejected and alone, I've had you constantly. I've had you ask me how I was and my projects and my health when no one else did. I've never failed in your eyes, not really.

Maybe I don't trust myself to remember all this once I go. Maybe I've disappointed myself before.

The only thing that provides reprieve is believing that everything shifts anyway if I stay back here too. Thank you for being the constant love of my lives, even when I couldn't see.

So, I'll break the circle and say it: I love you and I'm going to miss you with all my heart. I'll learn to love you in other ways too.