What made me feel okay finally?

Today been very roller coaster.

Highs and lows. 

I sobbed and cried through part 1 of the day, forced myself to cook and laughed and danced my way through Part 2. So, now time to get curious about this too. What makes it better and how to access that?

1) The freedom and the choice to not decide everything now. I'm allowed to back away now, later, in the end whenever. I am allowed to do what I want. Caveat: you kind of become okay with being the "bad guy".

2) About putting yourself first - if this is a life where "making mistakes" and "regrets" is impossible, then you could just go off of what feels manageable and doable in that instant of making a decision, it kind of works out, or at least its good to think that it'll work out. it either works out or you learn it doesn't? pre-emptive worrying is.. not helpful haha.

3) Getting comfortable with uncertainity 

4) People have proved enough and time and again that they have liked me enough to hang out to me, maybe I can rest with that and not bring them to court all the time

5) Why rank people on the basis of what they like to do? How does anything make anyone "better'? I have to internalize that having self-esteem does not come from being the best - it comes from honouring all parts of yourself. No matter how they look to anyone else or how anyone else looks like to you. That's sexy.

6) Freedom to just stop struggling and trying. It's okay to have free time and it's okay to turn down invitations. If I feel like a chutiya individual, I can just turn around and say yes hmm interesting I do sound like one but so what. I just ✨ am ✨. There's a part of me that tells me everything I do, am and stand for is a horrible abomination but it is also up to me to not encourage that belief. Take its power away. Then, you kind of "unlock" a secure you that just is yourself. Less anxious, less worrisome and most weird.

7) My "everyone" is about 80 people in college. Everyone who is "smarter" than me, "quicker" than me, "faster", "more efficient", "more social" "likable"... that's the statistic. 80 people who chose to go to Erasmus University in the Economics faculty in 2023-24. I'm going to go with sample size is too small for external validity. All I can do is try and have a little bit of fun and trust fate with the rest.

8) There's always always people I belong to and it will always heal my heart to remember that. I belong. Someday, maybe or maybe not, there will be another family but I have one. I can love them and do justice to them at least. :)

9) Also decided to not put all my eggs in one basket - this one is a hard one without feeling anxious. But I depended on a certain activity with certain people to make me feel good. I'm going to try and diversify that. It makes me feel all kinds of uneasy (not the activities, that I know what feels good because honestly have it written down but the people part of it) but I'm going to try and operate from a place of curiosity instead of dread. Just think when I feel dread and then try! :) Also though, honour myself. If things feel off and not up my alley.. again they just do. I don't have to do it the next time. Even if it is "helpful" or "productive". 

I hope I come back to this. I hope I'm able to follow through and life seems okay at some point. I realized I'm trying to challenge myself and push growth when I'm already so down. It's just making everything harder. Maybe I lag behind in some way of objective worldly measurement but fortunately or unfortunately that's where I am at and all I have is me. That method isn't working and like a responsible adult I have to try kindness. I tried tough love enough. If it takes time to get on track, honestly it will. But I can't afford to leave my own side at this point. No one can help unless I try my hardest, from the inside. Maybe I couldn't at all earlier. Maybe it was harder. But from this point on?