Some more discomfort

Just wanted to check in today and tell you that feeling alone doesn't feel good. From whatever I have managed to read, its not the being alone that is the problem but its the being alone. I feel progress is feeling at least calm enough about remembering to pick up the phone and call people because waking up alone and thinking I'm going to meet nobody made me feel so anxious inside.

There's something about being physically alone that just gets me. Every single time that I have had to.. it just gets me. I tell myself its okay, I will see people tomorrow and the day after and that the world is not ending. I desperately need company though. I tried making plans with my flatmates who couldn't be there. Then I called friends back home. Today I have been on call for hours, I've had people on in the background while I shopped. I was not even talking. Why does being by myself feel like a punishment? Like I need someone to comfort me that yes I'm still needed and yes they will still be there tomorrow. Nothing is going to change in that one day. Its like when I first move into a place and everything feels.. scary.

I used to have phases of being scared when I felt somebody (anybody) I loved could suddenly go, it used to make me breathless and I think I feel that constantly everytime I'm alone now. Why does that happen? This glitch? It scares me even more to think of life permanently being this way. It won't, it won't. Delulu is the solulu.*

I'm okay. I can breaaaaaathe. I have my bed. I have my bike. I have my phone and the internet. It's just discomfort. I try and think hard about the why but its generally hard to come up with anything at all. It's been two months here, I'm actually doing good with that perspective. Luckily, there's a group. Might even meet tomorrow. Met them yesterday. I'm lucky!

*many important learnings that I have to share, but work/sleep now!

Good news - I gave myself a few targets for the week because everything seemed confusing but I ticked off many of them! Got a jacket and waterproof spray. Marked a few shoe shops but waiting for Black Friday sale to buy sneakers. Folded away my clothes (but its messy again??). Called a friend to catch up that I don't do often. Brought samosa and chhole to celebrate.

Huh maybe we can't solve feelings but maybe we can act through them to feel something, this tiny spark of having done something. It's tough so tough to find the attention and bandwidth to do anything when I'm panicking but wellll.