Things that have been helping me lately

Last week has been weird overall in how fast everything switched?? Now I feel positive on some days?? Here's a list of alllll mental shifts that have happened before I fall into a funk again and forget how I got out in the first place:

1) Talking to myself like a third person, a child: Reminding myself that I have to take care of me, that somehwere within is a person who is scared and scaring them more doesn't help. I have to make allowances for how she feels and most of all acknowledge of how hard she's trying through it all. 

It also extends to how we relay information to ourselves? Saying "ah, I'm bad at this" is not helpful at all. Okay, what part of X am I struggling with? How can I help myself with that? Can it be made better or is it something that is about pushing through discomfort? How does it look like resolved (especially true for when I have unrealistic expectations from myself)? I'm good at breaking down problems for my friends and so going to try that for myself.

2) Everything is a skill, well most things I struggle with - Relating to the previous point.. it is true that I feel I am not good at a lot of things but it actually helps when I'm not internally screaming at myself for not knowing things. Most things can be learnt through reading about them and then practicing it. This is true for socializing, small talk, learning how to charm, cook, TIME MANAGEMENT even. My mind is a learning mind so I think it will enjoy a challenge and pick something up but it needs continual reminders that it needs to learn. It's not something I have or don't, it's something I develop.

3) (Bringing me to) Curiosity - For an anxious person like me it's easy to get caught up in comparisons.. in moments where urgency feels through the roof and the need to act causes actual panic. It's been especially true when I see my new friends interact with other people. It brings up feelings of oh I'm a backup and they have options while I don't. Again, this might be true. But how necessary is it for me to look, act, feel and do the same? Am I doing justice to whoever I am meeting now? What about paying attention and cultivating whatever I already have? Interactions, even work are so much richer when it is nurtured by curiosity, with actually paying attention and listening and asking questions and learning. Every interaction cannot be too deep I guess but the idea of giving one person a hundred per cent of my attention in that moment is a good start. Friendship/colleague/network count is not a trophy or at least I am actively reminding myself to move away from that mindset. It is scary knowing I could be dumped at any moment and I am trying to be comfortable with that uncertainity. I can widen my circle as much as I want but I oppose doing it out of a feeling of competition. If I want more people, I just have to find more suitable and sustainable ways like one-on-one meetings, learning how to see people outside the classroom (aka the institution bringing us together), remembering to circle back to the hi-bye friends once in a while. Oh btw, it was curiosity of this experience that reinforced the the importance of frequent contact with a few people theory - the importance of casual acquaintances. Curiousity allows me to be present, less judgmental and more flexible and intentional.

3) It's not about me - C chose another group, S didn't reply first or wanted to work with other people.. they are different human beings, wanting different things and it says nothing about how they see me or their relationship with me. I am not the centre of their universe, they don't spend their time plotting their actions based on how to be close or distance themselves from me. Just like I am valuing their qualities differently on a scale, they probably have a complex inner scale of what everybody provides. I think it scares me that they'll go their other options and I'll be all alone again. It's a deep insecurity. However, the extent of control I have over this is just being myself and letting them choose. I cannot make them choose. Like M said, "you want them to reciprocate in a manner similar to yours with an intensity similar to yours and at the same time". Maybe it even is about them not needing what I have to offer.. maybe it is about their ability to accept or absorb something that I can give. I can't make anyone choose me except I have to choose me every time. If I move through this experience focusing on what makes me feel good and happy, I will at least have that if nothing else. A few good days and maybe some skills. 

This also includes being vulnerable and letting them know that I choose them. I give everyone a wide berth but it's also okay being proactive and piling on and choosing them.

4) Acceptance - I cannot multi-task effectively right now, I take twice the time to understand things. That's CHILL. I'm here studying like I set out to and that's the bottom line. I understand my limitations the best and it's useful to know how to operate within them instead of my vision of how perfect someone else's life is. The things is when I am judging myself with other's standards it's unfair. They've had all the years of their existence to be that person. Combining with 1, it helped me to make a 'bare minimum' list. It's a couple of things on a to-do list outside of university which is all I expect from me. Did it? Great. Perfect. Nothing more. "I didn't set out today to meet others expectations, myself included and so I cannot fail. I'm just making choices".

Also, didn't travel all this way to feel accepted by other people, this journey is about figuring out who I want to be. By definition, a lot of it will be a solitary experience.

 

5) People just delude themselves about making a good choice, don't agonize - Best option is not known to anyone (it doesn't exist) but the key is to have faith I took what's best for me. Delude that it was the best because I wanted it and rationalize the choice with the knowledge that I'll handle whatever comes next. It's so important to just get moving sometimes!

6) Patience and staying in the moment - My adjustment couldn't be rushed even though it is a 1 year program and I wanted it to be sooner. Outside of my control locus (see point 1). I am learning to have patience while working on things, that they'll happen, that the process of misery and confusion will happen because it has to. I have to wait until it doesn't. Adjust as much as I can meanwhile. Cheat - have outside food when I can't feed myself, skip that one slide I don't understand, be on silent video calls while working simulatenously. ALSO CELEBRATE (ACKNOWLEDGEMENT) before letting your inner system push you to your next set of goals. Stay here for a while in the garden I've grown. I slept for the first time past 10:00 AM today, I took a nap! It is. Being aware of what I'm thinking is shamefully more helpful than I'd thought. It helped me realize I'm comparing, worrying and working through this disastrous state for at least 3/4ths of the day. I'm functioning on fumes.      

7) Sleepy so only one self explanatory phrase - fuck comparison.

I told F that because all this happened so suddenly I'm afraid it'll go as soon and she said that maybe these are things I've known and tried for very long but are just clicking now. That you sometimes become open to change only after priming after very long. So, we continue doing these things again and again and again until they are automatic for the brain. Until then it's going to be a conscious effort.

So, guess we know what we have to work on ladies. Moving onnn.