Ugly Crying

I just finished talking to F and like I'm constantly surprised at how we learn to be so unkind to ourselves? Where, when and how? Being kind to self too is a skill. Life is happening, this too shall pass. With all our ugly, unnecessary, delusional.. it will all pass.

The meaning of life is so subjective and that has always scared me, right from childhood. Like can I really make it anything I want to be? How do people choose so comfortably when there are a billion right answers? Life is easier when you think about it a little more lightly, give lesser weight to things you don't have or can't do (while working on them or not, again you choose) and I wish sometimes I could. Would be better than choice paralysis and clinging to certainity? 

Strangely, I am thinking about P (from a million light years away) now. I told him I didn't have the best relationship with myself. It was a love-hate one. I would have told him how much more I've thought about this and how much I'm pushed to change. (Also, omg, how much have I idolized other people and just appreciated the best parts of them and thought it made them super special. Always, the right answer is always).

Is it easier to hate? I've read it a lot but I don't think it's true. I think it's hard to live with it. Hate for me has become a well that never feels full, it sucks energy and life out of you. It's tough to fight hate and guilt. Maybe it never goes away, who knows?

We just keep trying in this small life that we have.