Sunday, October 4, 2015

To You. With You. About You.

Hi Papa! :)

I came back today to this place. The Kolkata one. I am still getting used to it even after a month and half. Today I avoided uncle because I had a feeling he would want to talk about you and I'm not ready to, not willing to.
Listening to new music. Seems okay-ish. A YouTube video of about 2 hours.
Okay straight to the point. Yes, I am going to have to take care of myself and do something and leave all my thoughts of giving up behind. I don't know if you would be happy or sad but right now it's just you pushing me. I say to myself that if I don't take care of myself, then no one will. I know you are a survivor (no, the irony isn't lost on me) and would have said the same thing.
Its harder now dad.. Because I know now that you know everything. You're inside my mind. All that I've thought, think and will think. You'll know. You know. How much you would hate me torturing myself like that. I know.
I'm so lost dad. I don't know why I am not doing anything. Why I can't see forwards. The  tears don't come as easily as they did and I don't know if that's a good thing or bad.
Need a steel spine and bundle all my shit together. I hope this time I actually get around to doing it.
I think I know you better now. What you'd say or do. You just left it in me without me even realizing it.
Oh, before I forget, I had to say two things to you! I know you know but still!
Firstly, don't you ever worry about you being sick ever have been a problem for us. I know you'd been seeing us and that's how you know that you brought together everyone in your sickness.
Secondly, don't worry about the house either, I love it way too much and secretly didn't want it broken in the first place. Plus, you were born there, right? Its so cool! Not many people can/would be able to say that. I know I won't.
My mind can't process that you're not there anymore. When I think of you gone, I am in fact thinking of a parallel place or universe. I can't explain this. Its like I have to train my mind that the reality is what it is. It won't meander there on its own.
I like music so much because I feel like it purges me, Brings out to the surface all that is trapped inside. Says it okay to say and feel and express. How I keep failing at the correct things to say to the correct people. Yes, I know, people only make you feel bad if you allow them to.
Could I be wrong about so many things?
The best thing in life is that you're smiling whenever I see you. You are probably chilling with your own dad now and how nice it must feel when he says that you were an awesome person here! One day it might (will?) be true for me too.
Some people just don't know how to talk to me now.
I want to be everything. I want to be alone but I want to talk. I want to cry and then not cry and then not feel like a bad person about it.
Be with mom lots. Guide her correctly. She is so scared!
Meenal will totally kick ass at whatever she will do.
Me? I don't think I can be all you wanted me to be. You had dreams too big for me. I won't fit in them! But I can try being good at what I do! Deal?
Oh and baa and faiba. I am worried. Let them stay here for a lot more time. Please. Convince them too that you're around.

I look back to 27th sometimes. They changed you too much. They put flowers and a white cloth and a coin and then you didn't look like dad anymore. You could easily have been sleeping or at the hospital, holding my hand like you often did.
I hate it that you had to suffer so much if all He wanted to do was take you away. Its unfair. Specially after you struggled so much in life. But you were home and you saw us and heard us and I hope that made it easy. Makes me feel like I shouldn't complain.
The panic I felt when I saw you close your eyes.
But I kissed you a million times. I got to tell you I love you and that I was sorry and I understood what you wanted to say. I did.
I will keep talking to you in between, okay naa?
You will have to be kind of okay with that.
Maybe I won't feel so alone half the time now!

Oh wait. I guess in all of that I forgot to say thank you. :)
Thank you :*

Love you. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment