Friday, October 2, 2015

An Exercise in Futility

I am so down and so cyncinal right now that I will go against everything I say today.

Tell you what, human life is a big big exercise in futility.
What do you even survive for? Live for?
Nothing ever was yours. Nothing will be.
I always like to say I live for the people. But why?
People that give you love and make you happy will leave you, will find happiness elsewhere or just die.
You grow up to see things both good and bad - I am being fair here. But the bad is just too extreme and hence overwhelming. You see that much cruelty and endure that much suffering.
And for what?
To succeed against all odds or just come out of it.
To grow wiser and become better.
Cool. But for what?
To die.
Alone. Helpless. Your knowledge of no use. Just as you had come.

I guess the only distinguishable feature about life is you don't/can't get another one if you waste this one.

The aim of life is to make life less sucky for other people. So there is nothing in it for you if be a little selfish and try to make it better for yourself. Thus, there is the possibility of social utility from your existence. Personal utility? Perhaps not so much.

Its exhausting. I don't even know what 'it' I am talking about. Probably a life without purpose. Or just the routine of life. Get up and brush your teeth and have a bath and polish your shoes. But for what!? Did we just structure ourselves so because we didn't know what else to do? Or is this the best we can actually do?

Running in circles. Chasing tails.

I am thoroughly disgusted. Everybody told me that they would be there for me to talk to whenever, just had to text. But that's a lie.
I am disgusted that I know I am not trying to understand their lives.
I am disgusted that I am baselessly accusing as a friend just called and another texted and a teacher visited.
I am disgusted that I am just an inch away from spilling my contents to a complete stranger.
I am disgusted that I didn't write about dad. Because I wasn't there mentally where I wanted to be.

No point in anything. But I do love you, dad.
Bye. :)

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