Friday, September 25, 2015

The Day that Almost Was

Phone call at 1:34 a.m. The hospital said it was cardiac arrest. Mom stood up to get ready with calm. Meenal and me got up immediately. She wasn't sleeping. I doubt I was. I had been crying anyway because I could not bring myself to think positively. I saw a yellow light inside daddy but it hadn't been bright enough to spread everywhere in his body. I started hyperventialting. Meenal held my wrist tight. Asked me not to cry. Packed the car keys and mom's spectacles and got the comb for her. Meenal went to wake Kaka up. He wasn't sleeping either. Kaka woke everyone else up saying dad wasn't well. Meenal and me sat for a bit on the platform outside home facing the car window at the side which mom was sitting on. Mom waited for Kaka to get in to drive. There was so much urgency but there was calm. Hadn't expected that.
We waited for an hour. Started seeing GoT's next episode because well. I would start sobbing and like she said, your thinking won't change anything. She messaged Aanchal to give me the counsellor's number. Said I was blaming myself. Which is true - it was my fault. When I knew it was working, I should have done it more and not been lazy about it. Stopped watching midway because faiba came. Said my grandad had died on a Thursday and some other similarity according to the Hindu calendar. Called Kaka up after some time. Said they were coming in two. Didn't sound sobby.
Mom said dad was on ventilator and after 4 hours or so they would wean him off his medicines to see if he was doing okay on his own. But it was pretty clear. They started talking about dates and cleaned the rooms. I just asked mom whether he would come home because he wanted to so badly. I wished he would get that.  All that was there afterward was crying, weeping, comforting, praying and the worst waiting. Waiting. 4 would not turn to 5. All these random weird discussions. Sad discussions. I was surprised. You don't cry continuously, you know? It comes in bursts.
When you remember the ball he showed you how he himself used to play.
When you remember that it would be their 25th anniversary next year; when mom makes you remove the previous years card out of sight.
When you see the poster in the room that says - We missed you daddy! <3 Welcome Home. :)
When you remember how there was so much pain.
When you remember that it was his heart that gave away - the most perfect thing about his body.
When you see mom and worry about your family.
When you remember how you don't know all his stories well.
When you remember how he used to hold your hand and kiss you even though he wouldn't talk much.
When you remember what he said to you during his healthy days.
When you remember that they are going to take him away. Away.

Went and saw him. Its the worst. Seeing someone you love in pain is the worst. You say you love them and try to make them comfortable. I thought I would write everything in detail but maybe now is not the time. Have to face tomorrow. I will keep editing this space. I can't forget. No.

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