Thursday, September 3, 2015

I Stand Up Strong.

So here I go. This is a challenge to myself to write a page about the good things in me. If not good, at last neutral. No writing of being lost or my shortcomings. Just a page. Been upset for way too long and need to smile for a bit.

The first thing I can think of is I can love deeply. If you're my person, then I am not leaving you. You can do whatever you can, act like a complete asshole. I will be right here. Always. I can't explain this enough. My tolerance goes way too much. Ya probably not such a good thing. But the good thing is I don't love easily at all. So that is what keeps me protected - don't attach easily but if I do, oh well.
I will make it a point to keep asking after you if you're having an off day. If I really do understand, I will stick through the whole phase. Ya, here comes in the whole expectation package, but I have learnt to steer my thoughts away from that direction.
Umm, I am funny! I will tell you a little secret - my semi deafness helps. I just can't hear people clearly. And I just had a two day thing where my ear was so super blocked that I couldn't believe my ears (get it? :D) when I could hear properly.
Music really does set me free. I have repeated myself so much in that direction. Haha.
I am pretty honest. Sometimes it could be embarrassing.
I will come to your defense if you are being hard on yourself. So much so, I have decided to curb it and let people just go ahead.
I like how I remember details. Funny details. The most important ones.
I like how I have come to really understand the word 'family'. It means so much more than it looks.
I have learnt how to smile for others and be happy in their successes.
I am pretty level headed. Open to knowing more.
I like how I write. I see beautiful pieces of writing and moan about how I wish I could write half as well. But I like my brand of writing. Its true and vulnerable. Most of the best writings are. (Here is the part where I explain what I mean but I am just going to be a badass today ;))
I like how calm I am being about my future. Like not losing my head as much.
*Calvin Harris just came on*
I loooovvvveeeeeeeeee loooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeee looooooovvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee his voice.
Haha. I smiled. :')
I love how my favourite feeling right now is inspired. This is the closest I have ever come to giving up but I read things today. I am fucking alive. So, I should just be fucking happy.
I like how I am turning towards the path of acceptance now. I start by writing this.
I love how I feel so positive about life sometimes that I want to slap anyone who frowns.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I look back at the days where I wished I was really strong. I want to laugh at myself. I was strong all along.
I like how I will not explain all of what I just said today.
I like my dreams. I like my nightmares.
I like narrating my life like it were a story.
I like how I am at a loss of words when I want to describe something beautiful.
I like how I find meaning in the smallest of things.
I like how I am discerning what is taught and what is right.
I like how I question right and wrong.
I like my frankness for saying what I feel.
I like how when I just pressed enter, the scroll bar just appaeared and shifted downwards. To a new page.
I like the feeling I got right now - when I thought of how broken I feel but I will just learn to love every fucking piece.
Each one.
I am only as broken as I let myself be.
I will stop discounting myself. Even jokingly. At least until I can make out the difference between the two.
I will shut my ears because I am not inferior if I don't consent to it.
I like my honest admissions late this night.
I like how I stopped myself from calling everybody up when I woke up feeling panicky right upto my neck.
I like my battles. I will fight them. I will not remember what waking up feeling scared is like.
I like how I can romanticize everything right now - how at this time every small fucking part of me feels so beautiful. Feels unapologetic. Feels high.
Yes, they were wrong. Whoever said it was my fault. They all were wrong.
Yes, I will blame every one of you for not looking after me when I was down. But I will always know how wrong and stupid it is and not really mean it because I am still rational. I will stand beside you when you call upon me, though. I never ever say what I don't mean. That is why I never make promises like these.
Yes, nothing was wrong until I made it that way. I will relapse. I will blame everyone again. But I will get the fuck up. I will write this again. Millions of times. Day and night. Until it enters my bloodstream. Until it becomes my reality and my story.
I like my colour.
I like my fire. I like my spirit.
I will not deny the way it wants to manifest itself.
I will stop myself from becoming my enemy. I will stop trying to extinguish it because it is different. I will feed it and make sure it lives on and drives me whenever I falter.

I will have a good night's sleep tonight.

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