The One Degree Shift

 Hello! Today I want you to see this first - 

 

 

It's a video of a spinning tunnel (or vertigo tunnel as it's called in Science City, Kolkata). It's very very trippy.

It's also the perfect analogy for what I have been churning around in my mind since a few days. It's actually years since it first happened but it took some time for me to piece it together. You see what happens when people enter that tunnel? There's a slight one degree shift that disturbs their whole balance. When you see it through a camera placed outside, it looks weird. Almost like the person inside is haunted by things he can't quite place, like he's losing his losing his shit for no real reason and why won't he just make through straight on ahead!

This is a little bit similar to what my mental state does from time to time. I'm on the inside, my perception of things twisted and I'm craving enough stability just to be able to see straight. While I try and do that, I'm just slipping, holding on for support to make it through the whole way. It happens from time to time, unannounced and unwelcome. This is my understanding of what this whole situation is.

A bit of a disclaimer - I'm sure it happens to other people too. I'm unsure if this is something that would have continued happening if I'd managed to stop paying attention to it. In fact I had been reading this recently: if everyone faces something like this - and it's true for maybe 70% of the people I speak to - can you even call it a disorder anymore? (There's more to this debate, it wasn't something that downplayed mental health conditions, it was more about how we've managed to create a societal structure that is just harmful to everyone). None of this should matter though if I am deciding to give myself some space for thinking out loud. Maybe on reading all of this aloud it would seem like I am playing martyr or being a spokesperson yet none of those observations would be correct. All of this is a personal journey and that makes it more confusing and well more on that later.

Here we go with a fun Q and A format!

*insert boxing ring round start ting-ting-ting*

Q1) What is it?

A1) I like to call it.. 'it'. I feel some sort of relief on not labeling my mental state. I don't think I am nearly confident enough to do that. There's so much to consider then - how a particular mental state feels, what it's typically caused by, it's patterns. Knowing me, I'll compare it to how it would manifests in some other person and God forbid the other person has it worse, I'll never be able to claim that I have any sort of trouble.

Q2) So you're saying there is an 'it' but you don't know what it is. Are you sure it's not just you being you?

A2) Honestly, who knows? Maybe it's my introverted nature or  lazy ass or a lack of direction and personality. But tell me one thing, how do you draw boundaries between a person being themselves and a person being affected by something which is theirs but not brought about by themselves consciously? At what point does one end and the other begin? And isn't the latter a part of the former?

Q3) What happens during it? 

A3) Oooh, this is a messy one. Some parts of it are having sticky thoughts. This is problematic because I can keep replaying things over and over until I reach conclusions that implicate me. I get confused about what's true. I think that's why I can't lie. Because if people lied so much what would be left to believe. It takes too much energy to figure out a truth from a lie, it's just simpler to be with people who won't lie to you. 

If there's any basis on which to compare, I can and I will do it. They could be lame or unfair things, that doesn't stop me. It would honestly just be easier if I worked enough in directions I wanted but guess this one's just easier because the internet is full of wonderful people doing amazing things.

Coincidentally, recently D asked how I start my day and that very day it had by worrying about keeping up a working-out habit. Sometimes, it begins by regretting something I did previously. Or did not do. An old time classic that has withstood the test of time is puffy eyes from crying (because I remember trying to deny it when I was in school). I'll be tired, extremely moody. Sometimes feel physically heavy and unable to move. At my worst, it happens genuinely rarely only, I'll hyperventilate a bit.

Q4) Why bring this up at all? Why not ignore it completely like other normal human beings?

A4) I bring it up because it affects my quality of life. I'm unsure if I am doing this purposely like some twisted mind game but I know how it affects me. It's unpleasant, to say the least. Ever so often I'll be down in the dumps, following unhealthy coping mechanisms, being super non productive (obviously!) and pitying myself asking if it ever ever ever ends. Every thing I do manage to do beforehand gets minimized to the point of complete decimation. 

Q5) Why don't you just ignore it?

A5) Ignore it? I've tried really hard. Ignoring/distracting is the most common piece of advice I've gotten. Since I don't manage to do this successfully, I end up feeling like more of an outcast. Distraction works sometimes. I continue trying though.

What this has also led to are patterns in my behaviour that I don't like.

Q6) A follow-up from Q4 - what are your 'unhealthy' coping mechanisms?

A6) Haha I didn't mean anything too bad by it. Just that in pursuing stability, I started looking outward. I couldn't get myself to adjust and be still so I started depending on others to help out. Inherently it's not a bad thing. I am a fierce advocate of reaching out and communicating. Back then though, I didn't know when to stop or how to stop. As you can guess, it strained relationships and just led to fights, angst and guilt. I don't think everyone is supposed to know how to help you, it's not their job. There's support and empathy, sure but this is something an individual needs to sit and figure out. In peace. 

Another thing was just crying. Crying is good but yes too much of a good thing is bad? It's not a solution at the end of the day. Problems still remain and you still have to make it through them. 

I'd also go sit alone sometimes. Think everything through. Okay, yes, this might not have been unhealthy. I still love doing that. Being around quiet makes things quiet for sometime.

Q7) How has this changed things? What patterns of behaviour (ref Q5) do you not like?

A7) The lack of personhood. In trying to maintain a status quo which would get me 'happiness' (but actually familiarity and comfort zone), I think I've given up a lot of opportunities to develop more. Plus if you want things a certain way and don't trust your judgement in others it makes risk-taking all the more difficult. Spontaneity too escapes me. I wonder if I'd be a totally different person today had I managed to 'do' things rather than sit here thinking. It's an incredibly frustrating thought.

In the glory of my perpetual confusion, decision making is a Herculean task. Again completely okay to have help but some of these things meant giving my autonomy away. I didn't like the part where I reached out and depended so much. It brought a lot of guilt. Didn't really enjoy being the harbinger of bad news. Another aspect of this is feeling selfish with giving so much bandwidth to just me and my worries. Who wants to be that (the difficult person/the person with issues) in an interpersonal equation? So with this, I've also started believing it's going to be tougher to form associations because oddball-ness. You simply can't recreate comfort zones. Boundaries were also a little difficult but that's dissolving a little now.  

Slowness also! Haha! How can I be here moving and responding when my mind is somewhere in another dimension.

On some days what wouldn't I give to be more normal. Again with the caveat about who knows if it's me, something else etc etc.

Q8) What have I learnt from all this?

A8) I've understood what I find joy in actually! That's been lovely. Like I mentioned my comfort circle, my quiet and being outdoors I really do appreciate that. Perhaps more than what I would have otherwise. I love therapeutic activities - for me they are things that are repetitive in nature and require a bit of my head. That includes doodling, driving and needlework. 

Not to silver-line anything but man has all of this made me empathetic! It's like I was on an assembly line and someone accidentally poured an extra sack of empathy. Quality control, where you at?

In of these sessions, I also learnt that I think I'm a good person yet that's never been enough for me. (Because like how good are you and how do you measure that? There are no rules and rules make everything easy).

Q9) What was the point of writing this down?

A9) Catharsis mostly. Writing gives me the space to put together things I can't verbalize. I am going to be humiliated if someone with 'real' problems happens to read this because let's face it, I have a charmed life. So much privilege now. Yet the duality of an environment made to be excelled in and (well) me can coexist. 

I think I write this to say yes this happens, yes it's completely irrational and phew okay yes it's not a big deal but more to be able to say that I didn't choose this. I can't talk but I can write about it with nuance. My doc said that I'm quite self-aware and maybe this is also a nod to how far I have been able to come in understanding the surface of who I am.