What is happening

 So I think I'm freaking out a lot of independence because I'm scared now of sitting with myself. Because if I know what I want, I'll have to act on it. If I don't, I'll disappoint. That will be even worse. Imagine not taking shots (actual true shots of working towards it). It was easier being ignorant. Now that I'm conscious I can't go back ofc. That won't sit right with me either.

So I'm here. Just trying to find sense. Define myself. To be very honest, I'm struggling super hard with it. At least yesterday and today. I mean I only write when the going gets tough so I can't generalize this whole journey. Two days have been hard. Two days a week before were hard. The correct way to do this is to sit with myself and as someone who has historically over shared I'm finding this to be extra hard to navigate. 

I sort of blame myself for being a chronic over thinker. For not even knowing things as basic as this. I try to think of what would help now instead of blaming because (surprise surprise) blaming isn't helping. 

I have lost all sense of what's a fact and what I'm making up. Dr S's theory of looking for facts has been super useful on many occasions but on hard days, I lose the power to distinguish between what actually is a proof of what I'm thinking. So I devolve even further and further. Is this laziness - thinking to avoid work? Is it attention seeking? Is it real (and it's completely completely okay that no one else can validate it because they don't feel the same)? Why does looking for this kind of inner validation feel like suffering at times? Am I not normal? Is there a space for me here? Should there be? Should I care?

Trying my best to be calm through thoughts and be reassuring to myself xx

And oh boy don't those muscles need more exercising?