Fire in belly

 I've been reluctant to be write freely for a while now. I imagine faces that are judging me and that stops me. Maybe it's not an accurate thing and no one is rolling eyes at me and I spin out stories from my day but that visual is particularly effective. I hope she'd come up soon because I don't want to lie anymore. Changing into fresh bedsheets was good though.

There's been more and more silence lately in which to process everything. In some ways that is good it's helpful for a person who spooks about things to be able to manage herself. Not distracting has helped to firm up life ideas for me. It's terrifying that it's me fulfilling those dreams. To think of an idea and to think that I could be able to do it.. it's powerful. Okay. It's everything together. Amusing because why is this angle new to me. Upsetting because I've overthought everything so much that I've missed so many buses of how I want to be. Everything is out of my comfort zone. Here I imagine pitying viewer faces also, by the way. Do you also ever admonish yourself because you know you could have been somewhere by now? Now I also imagine faces tired of telling me the same things over and over.

There's this wonderful article by @runlolarun (Twitter) about how to love yourself, fall in love with the plunger and not the plumber. It's one of my favourite pieces of all time. It's really relaxing to read. It actually does follow the angle of man and woman which is good in itself but I also like how it makes me imagine I can do things. Such things that I've refrained from not only because of my gender but also because of the highly ordinary person I am. Plain, rule abiding and unquestioning person. The piece is based on the work of Deborah Levy and it treats people as subjects that would get better with practice. Thinking like this, about getting better by doing, helps to distract from the I suck at cuz mentality.

It's also the best article about independence. The key to contentment (for me) would be that. Lacking in independence in various departments and to fill that gap is my 2021 agenda. That's unadulterated number 1 my own agenda. :)

Bharosa karke pedal toh maarna hoga ek baar, utna bhi burra nai hoga. Sab se life diverge ho raha hai and kab se lag bhi raha hai but jo karne nikle the wo toh kar le.

Along this journey I like being reminded that being a decent human being is something (seeing how I have to work on so so so so much else). Ye duniya chal hi kaise rahi hai? Sab apne aap ko hi itna accha se jaan ke bhi shaanti me kaise reh lete hai? We know ourselves too closely to remain happy. How do we learn to do that anyway?

So many questions.

Need of hugs.

Bye!

Oh ya, this title is in reference to the latest article by Monika Halan about Gen Z and millennials and I cannot tell you why but it sat very weirdly with me. She used this phrase in context of how our parents had to work hard for everything and we don't have that fire in our bellies anymore because we got handed stuff from our parents. And ya I have been thinking about that too. About how to be better professionally and so it seemed like it fit.