Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Panic continues today!

So I wake and worry about what will work in my favour when I will be desperately wanting to get ahead in life. Already I am at crossroads with no plan? So much uncertainty. I have no leadership qualities, no seizing opportunities instincts. It comes with time probably. I remember how I had resigned from elections in school because I just thought I wouldn't have been able to do it. With time, posts became bigger and turned into monsters I wouldn't want to face. Such little faith. I could feel my heart constrict.
But it is going to happen, isn't it?
You learn to fight for what you really want. So again, we come back to the basics - what do I really want (career wise)? I close my eyes to wonder and instead meet ten other kinds of fears. Fear, fear, fear.
What fears? Of failing, of ending up as always switching jobs, of people having to lift me up. Then these mix into the kind of fears which are not even related to what I was thinking about in the first place.

In other funny things, I believed that everybody has this list of features they like in a person, and if you didn't fit in that image, they stopped liking you and seeked someone else who matched better. Like somehow another person could make you seem bad and then take your place. Two people in the same position cannot co-exist. Its only one. And if the other person is loved, you automatically 'lose'. Two or more people cannot be loved the same. If liking for one increases, the liking for other automatically diminishes.

And providing for myself. Removing cowardice from every little crevice.

Oh I don't know who to talk to.. even just to gain clarity! :/

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