Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Dependency Theory

Oh, the title has got nothing to do with what I am about to write or type actually. I just had to do this because I am an Economics student. :P

So what is emotional dependence? And how bad is it? Or is it natural?

As per tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-over-depending-on-others-cut-puppet-strings-and-be-real/, the definition -

"We all need to be taken care of, validated, encouraged, and given support. When we can receive these things from others and use them to nurture our spirits, this is healthy dependency. When we draw strength from these experiences, it allows us to more easily be independent at other times—relying on and caring for ourselves, and being the one to support others.
This is called interdependence, and it’s a beautiful ebb and flow in relationships of bothgiving and being able to receive. As social as we human beings are, this is pretty necessary for our survival. The instincts for it run deep in our nature.
Over-dependency is when you find yourself struggling to return to emotional independence when needed. For me, this involves a lot of worry and obsessing over what someone else thinks of me.
It feels like an intense need for someone’s approval, otherwise I’m not okay or enough. Sometimes it comes out as continuous attempts to prove myself, or be perfect, or seek compliments. Other times, I give up too early or avoid people who I feel may never approve of me."

I do think this is natural because 95% of all the people I know do seek some kind of external validation. And.. It just seems natural, right? When you're scared or desperate or hopeless, you look outside for reassurance. No? Happens to me when I am at my worst. The need to know that there is a better. [I know that about myself but yet when it came up in random conversation, I shot off a help message.]
And that's why bonds exist right? So you learn to lean and care and share and feel not alone?
Plus, it can't be that bad if it boosts your mood and if you depend not on the world, but on like 5 people!?

The help message too was shot off partly due to a need to know about the 'right' course of action. So again, I turned to Google again.

The reason that was repeated often, as to why one shouldn't depend on other people, was that they are not always going to be there. I found this reason to be very dank and depressing. The 'everyone leaves' line. Bleeehhh. Too optimistic to believe its true. One point which I did agree with was sometimes we forget we are not the centre of the universe and thus blame others when they can't provide support. But the truth is everyone is struggling for themselves!! Oh, its a fight!

[On scanning through https://www.howtoforgivepeople.com/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency]
In fact it also means that somewhere you're not doing enough for yourself. You're either ignoring your needs or not working towards fulfilling them. Sometimes, we look outward because looking inward might be too difficult because we are too harsh with ourselves. Like even I had/have notions of right-ness which I need to abide by and many times it doesn't happen because it takes time to be your own idea of an ideal person. So in my case the trigger would be a deflection from what I should be or when someone says something which though not necessarily untrue, doesn't fit into my mould. Oh and also loneliness at times. But -
"Loneliness may be little more than boredom combined with self-pity or with wanting companionship too much and too soon."
Remedy involves stressing on what gives you relief in that dependence. Also, to accept and embrace and allow yourself to feel the worst of emotions. Because that's what we are scared of, right? Listening to things we don't want to accept.

According to zenhabits.net, this is how self reliance happens -
  • Learn to fix your own problems. If you are bored, fix it. If you are lonely or hurt, comfort yourself. If you are jealous, don’t hope that someone will reassure you … reassure yourself.
  • Take responsibility. If you find yourself blaming others, tell yourself that the other person is never the problem. Of course, you can believe the other person is the problem, but then you are reliant on them for the solution. If you believe that they aren’t the problem, then you look inside yourself for the solution.
  • If you find yourself complaining, instead find a way to be grateful.
  • If you find yourself being needy, instead find a way to give.
  • If you find yourself wanting someone to help you, help yourself.

Source - zenhabits.net/self-reliance/

Basically (I know I am being abrupt but I am too sleepy now) it all comes down to acceptance, acceptance and acceptance and self love.

I do not know if I am being crazy and wanting to change every little thing in me but I feel the need to know where I am going wrong or if I am just going okay. I would have asked what the 'normal' limits are but it kind of proves my point. This confusion. Bothers me all day. Help with the right course of actions. :/:/:/

Anyway sleepy now. Good Night! :)

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