Thoughts

The act of living seems to take so much time and come in the way. Acts that seemed enjoyable in isolation like arranging the cupboard or cooking or even walking in the park.. seem like big(ger) decisions because of the one track that goes on in my head. I feel I've regressed back to school or something, the way exams are stressing me out. Why does it seem like the most horrible thing to not know things? 

This constant pressure to be a well rounded individual now. Its not being the well rounded person that's the problem. Its not being able to be patient with the process. Camcam's observation was perhaps right - everything is moving in extremes. 

Nobody tells me anything and everybody knows I'm trying but I feel this within me. This fear, my default dominant emotion. I know of coping mechanisms now and have a solid support system so that helps but this goes to the core of my being and my beliefs about me. Its sticky! It is spilling over constantly for various things and then cannot see anyone or hear anything else. Worry is an echo chamber so so hard to get out of. I mean I even went running today, no dice. When you're out of it things seem okay so I guess the trick is to use that time well, do things that in other times would paralyze.

Tomorrow I have to decide between something fun that I'd enjoy (which I requested and begged for and purchased a ticket to) and a lecture which might be important because I know nothing about it until I opened the book today for the first time ever. I'm so tensed about this paper. Didn't glance at it ever. Firstly, these kind of things could only happen to me where I don't check schedules and double book shit like this. Second, where did all the time go for me? How did I not manage this in all this while? Yet how am I lost even after trying so hard with the two papers that I did? 

I don't know the answers to any of the above. Operating from a place of fear gets really harmful sometimes because it clouds everything. I think a lot about the kind of life I want to build and so much of what comes up is just so much fear. How to pass this adult QC?