Finally ready?

I've been avoiding thinking by being in the library and then having Sromona over and making plans but maybe it's time. Am I finally ready to be alone with my thoughts? Maybe or maybe not.

But I think it's time to come home and forgive myself all over again. Again and again until I need to. I'm sorry that I didn't do everything I set out to do. I'm sorry that I don't know what to do. Even now. I'm so sorry that I'm odd and not easily lovable and awkward and generally ill-equipped to survive everything in life. I'm sorry that I'm at ease only with a few people or when I'm alone. I'm sorry that I've tried to hide so much. I'm sorry that I've not learnt to accept everybody for who they are and stick to a few. I'm sorry for this much pressure on myself. I'm sorry that I'm 28 and still stumbling. I'm sorry I can't forgive myself..

Nobody is coming to save me from me. It's okay to be how I am, I guess. I'm learning that still. How do learn to hate ourselves so much? I just asked a friend to become an assignment partner and he just happened to ask me how many people should be in a group. Since the answer was 2 or 3, I wondered if he didn't know and that's why said yes. The truth is he probably doesn't give a shit. Yesterday it was something else. Feeling hated because I thought somebody didn't want to be truthful me. It was just a misunderstanding.

I think a part of me will always feel alien and crave love and understanding. That part of me that tells me to discount myself everytime I do something even remotely wrong. Like I should've known better and from before. I struggle to quiet it down. So, here we are, forgiving myself again..

It is exhausting, coming home to myself. But we soldier on because there is no option to stop. Someday I hope I'll be okay with this. At peace. I had a moment of it today, cycling in the rain. Slow cycling. I enjoyed that. I stopped a million times to adjust my hood but I didn't care. I rarely do when I'm with myself. I'm accident prone and lost prone and easier on myself about that when I'm on my own.

I'm setting the lowest possible benchmark for myself and if I do that I have to back off. People like me from places like mine don't easily reach places like these and sometimes that is enough. That has to be.