Moving: Circular Thoughts

Now more than ever I want to remember why I signed up for this:

1) To see what life is like and understand who I am - I'm okay and good where I am. Enough shelter, good food, source of income and general ease of living. This also means knowing exactly how your life looks from day to day to what it probably will be in the future. Which is.. good, sure. Certainty feels nice because it gives me a sense of control. Life is happening now though. I asked myself if I was willing to trade experiences and new things ("broadening my horizons") for this sense of control and I wasn't so sure. I feel like I can reject it once I know it. It would feel better to me if I did that. I sink and lie down in comfort zones and it's only going to get more comfortable with time...

2) Studying - I've wanted to do this for so long that I didn't do it and thought I'd never be able to. All because I wanted to do it perfectly. This is one fo the few things in my life I'm taking up solely on the basis of interest and not deep calculations. Somewhere feel positive that this bet might pay off.

3) Sense of agency - Hate making decisions, hate not knowing, prefer options being taken away than choose. Here's to internalising day in and out that I happen to life and life doesn't just happen to me. Funny because number 4 is..

4) Staying afloat - Not a calm person in the face of change and uncertainity. Hoping to be okay with it when everyday is (/feels like) a stressful challenge.

5) Remembering pre Covid - Won't spare words. My charming little city was painfully boring before and during Covid. No friends and no one to talk to. Eww. Circles are well established here and it was tough. Let there be freshness.

I'm remembering these because I feel 3-4 heavy things, things that make me sad, on a loop. Too much guilt for leaving people when all they need is companionship, guilt for spending so much money on myself, guilt for making some lives harder, worry for their safety and well - being, worry about coping by myself, studying, working, figuring things out, having a job that pays enough to make up for that bomb spending. 

It's on auto-rotate. I ask why cause everybody pain and if I remember my why, it's somewhat okay. That there's some intention to this. Even if I can rationalize it all away, that's there's so many possibilities I haven't even considered. Whether it's fulfilled or not, whether I like it or not, even whether it feels valid or not.. I took some steps at some point thinking about something. I did, I did.