Lots of flowers today!

People are wrong when they say I'm careful and deliberative - far from that, I fall in love too easily. Today I wrote a love letter to flowers! Everyday commonplace flowers, flowers I do not know the names of, stolen ones, forgotten ones.

I've been reading 'all about love', the bell hooks one. It's useful and insightful. The spirituality chapter made me uncomfortable. She talks about finding love as a spiritual force, one that teaches us to look out for the other and binds us to each other. It makes me feel weird because it seemed a little cultish. She mentions it doesn't have to be organized religion but for me a lot of 'be a good person' and 'love your neighbour' has originated from there. Unfortunately, my experience with it has not been really good? With all its teachings, my religion felt outdated and exclusionary. I already feel disconnected from it. Yet, lately, I've been seeking strength and belonging. I don't know what to do with the weight of feelings and emotions. I do not know what drives me or who should I be. Where do I unburden my worries? Who do I confide secret wishes in, conjure luck from and feel joy with? Where is the warm embrace to protect against feeling really small? My own self does not seem deep or broad enough to hold me. I subsist while looking for nourishment of some kind.

On the other hand, I think of Mary Oliver. In her really difficult early years, she derived all that I've asked for from nature. She used to write as she walked, seeming to notice the smallest of things in the woods around her. She didn't set out to be an artist or poet. Something about the beauty, routines and persistence of nature compelled her. I try her methods too. My life isn't even difficult, just a little uncomfortable at the maximum. My urban life has limited natural beauty. I can't yet write as I walk but I notice, smile and take pictures. Sometimes these solitary moments become fixed memories of the thoughts at that time and place. In the interview I read, she casually seemed to forget her own lines. Her life had been big and long. Soon that is what is going to happen to these 'fixed memories'. Of course, only if my life is similarly big.

It's bittersweet to think of things as temporary. I have mixed feelings about change - the sister of transience - too. Some passed down wisdom tells me that change is how we grow, that we would otherwise stagnate. But who has ever said no to a little more time when they've been blissful? Who wants to grow out of it? Being outside doesn't solve this anxiety around change, it puts a pause on it. Outside, I'm enough. The sun, trees and me live. The world widens and opens up. There's enough to be content, the heartbeat relaxes. I can breathe and just be until I return to life.

The outside is constant. Not in the it's-there-for-you-when-no-one-else-is kind of way, that I'm unsure of. More in a the-effect-it-has-on-you-every-single-time. The high of the escape is the same. When I pause, I'm forced to become quiet and think inwards. The thinking I would like to do more of but find difficult, even boring. Even the sleep is sweeter. There is somehow more faith in tomorrow. There is some level of grounding and understanding - that this is beautiful, and at least in the moment I have this. I'm beginning to think of this as some kind of spirituality.

I didn't have a Great Love or Great Loves (something I've been thinking about) but through these little loves I've been able to find me again and again. While writing today's love letter, I thought of how I'm on the cusp of change again. The last time around, I'd taken a walk around the nicer parts of the city to remember the good things. This time I hope when I move, I'm able to discover myself more deeply. Even if that involves challenging my notions. I want to look beyond fear. I'm great at knowing what I'm supposed to do but I hope I'm able to find more of what brings me joy and seek that whole-heartedly. Even if I forget to be careful - bruised knees heal. I hope I'm able to find the strength to know I can do more and be more than I believe, than I give myself credit for. I hope that I'm able to find comfort on hard days, when I find no one on my side - that there is still that one way to get solace. 

That is my wish from the new outside, that it please remind me. 

🌺🌺🌺🌺