Rejection Routine x P Day 2

26) wake up and Google some more useless things, remember that it's crap and shut it

27) feel angry at small things, like running errands

28) fuck off for a drive on said errands, feel intense rage for a bit and drive accordingly, think about the 7 stages and realize you don't really know them lol, blast the same song over and over loudly which unfortunately is neither sad nor angry and then try to change song but net pack is over so there i am hard listening to soft voice, realize rage is just protecting from more sadness

29) bubbles!! find bubbles and blow them and try to wrap yourself in them endlesslyyyy, try to do the same to others

30) happiness is not coming no? brain chemistry is telling so

31) my ex -job LORs make me happy like I did things, that I managed to accumulate something nice in life; followed by strongest urge to share this:/

32) my Deepu in Uff Teri Adaa, yehi toh chahiye tha life mein, back when she used to be my deepu

33) are we okay? i haven't heard back in over a day. pch. now toh reaaaaaally driving the point home, aa gaya samajh mein

34) incognito searches haven't helped - my YouTube has morphed into 'how to move on' feed, hinge/bumble keeps notifying me of the 50+ people who've liked me, eh 

35) holiholiholi - do me a favour let's play holi?

36) m makes me doubt heartbreak; a calls it a game and im like opposite day it was the healthiest spaciest interaction ever??? 'thank you for giving me that space' and 'thank you for trusting me'.

37) my og one and only love fav long ass 1 hour walk in a BRAND NEW AREA love this for meeeee, a little scary but love ittt; also moon is so red, take pictures of everything to make an album holi x empty Jamshedpur

38) realize while walking that this one man 886393900 kms away has done so much to restore hope in men, that it could actually be easy/healthy more like and it's possible to be straightforward, realize how closed off and just plain difficult i've found dating to be because i never know; clean hai toh khel sakte hai i don't even cheat during games 

39) but ye gayab kyu hai ab tak, ek baar bol kya diya accha lagta hai baat karna.... 

40) shah rukh because why not?

41) what if i had no one around to distract me? 

42) phone checksssss, lot of

43) fucking background score in my head 🙄

44) work, again :(

45) I HEARD, YESSS. Thanks to me for not having ended up making this super weird. okay now thinking about how much is tmi? is it too soon for a joke?

46) realize (once again) that i have to be more aware of my thoughts - i like things that i myself want to be, the focus on self, the living of life, the agency and clarity, the constant goodness and simplicity - but no pedestals 

47) telling baa and faiba that i plan to move fuck fuck fuck fuck 🥺 that in itself makes me not want to go; have to talk to students, have so much work, then how do i still manage to get so distracted? coping mechanism for unpleasant thoughts? do I recognise this pattern from before? time to cbt myself. 🍃

48) transition to new anxiety feelings