Writing today in peace

 Hello hello hellooo

It has been quite some time since I wrote anything while like siting upright, at a time not before bed. Haha. Even right now, I am supposed to be looking at tax stuff. Well, priortities.

I have developed this strange pain in my legs. It's not the usual muscle soreness after a hard run/exercise. It is happening in sudden bursts all the way from my thighs to my feet. Particularly pierces my knees too from time to time. Other times, a thigh or a toe or a hand. Google hasn't been helpful with this. I now know what happens when people suffer from fybromalgia (I didn't learn the spelling though) and that it's surprisingly common (?) and nothing else useful. I don't know if it's the period pain variety because I get serious leg ache or if it's the running on concrete hard variety because I recently increased my run intensity by a lot. I want to go with periods because I don't want to stop running. I would tell you why I love running so much but I think it's unfair to running to not make a new post on it. Good fucking God, so bloated and fart-y at the moment ugh.

Talking of running, I am SO EXCITED about getting new shoes. My 2021 fitness resolution was to award consistency and not focus so much on results. Of course, I still want to run a 7k (read 10k) by year end but I'm trying to not go too much into it. Not focusing on numbers is more challenging then it sounds (for me). I obsess over cross training days (hello to using fancy words instead of exercise days), the kilometers, the minutes, the speed km/hr, the cadence, Google fit steps, Nike Run Club stickers (duh) my weight. I should be happy about the Nike app not recording my numbers correctly. Like today, it said I walked 0.4 km in 40 minutes (to Khushboo of 5 years ago who doesn't understand numbers at all - it's impossible even if I were crawling). So, I don't know how I am running honestly. I just don't want to stop (hello to "Main bas rukna nai chahta" Bunny). Double touchwood, this time it feels more permanent and I am mentally getting myself to keep doing it but who knows, right? I've stopped so many times before. Coming back to NEW SHOES at the end of week 8 (1.5 weeks from now). Absolutely gleeful.

 Life seems better when I am in an okay mood. Things you could still be sad about and scared about but make space for progress anyway. Recently been quite quite disappointed with myself about the non-performance in other areas of my life. In an okay mood, it doesn't feel like failure or like I dying alone in a cruelly constructed glass house through which I can see everybody happy but nobody can see me asphyxiating. Should I mark this under parental advisory because of this quite graphic content? Kids I am not asphyxiating, it's a figure of speech.. it's more like losing hair due to stress loll.

It's also been good getting reacquainted with myself. Physically of course from the day I have started running I have been paying so much more attention. I know how my body looks and feels. I now know how my foot lands when I walk and that yes there is a correct way for it to move. I can feel tiny muscles that are not visible to anyone else. I can feel the strength of my legs carrying me up the stairs. Even when I am standing straight, I now check where the pressure of my whole body is falling on my feet. I know my tread. It's fascinating to really notice the veins and the skin and the cellulite. Really the whole mechanics of movement, I'm a big fan of biology now sir. 

Emotionally too, yes there had been disappointment but a lot of it stemming from understanding and discovering. Understanding what I want and why I want it or thinking about how I feel in a transparent light is like taking a walk. There's different shades to all feelings. Is it the kind of sadness that is made better by talking about it or is it something to work on or is it plain PMS? The more I walk and observe, the more the dense thicket of constant feeling seems to clear a bit to turn trees into familiar markers. This is a form much less intimidating that I can grow to nod at and smile by while passing.  Acknowledging a new feeling or thought is like seeing a new flower and thinking hello I didn't see you before. Before I even make up my mind about it, I am startled by it's existence. But my knowing it also changes it. Like taking a long journey in a circle, but never actually again reaching the starting point because the roads change like seasons. It's sometimes slow and frustrating, or overwhelming to find it isn't what I want. If I wasn't a person who gets worked up along the way, maybe I could articulate better. Basically that if there's a galaxy outside, there is one equally surprising and beautiful inside too. I have reached the conclusion that we totter on a scale between being an insignificant anonymous nobody and an important chest-thumping somebody and either extreme is dangerous. I also suspect though, that we humans have a definite proclivity for moving towards these edges. They shake us up and that is why that's where the vast majority of our human experiences lie. Definitely the most memorable ones.