Just checkin' in

 One of my many regular check-ins.

I came out on the balcony to have at some fresh air but all I get is darkness and mosquito bites. Oh wait, as I said this a gust of wind blew, good job trying to prove me wrong.

The sunsets have started coming earlier and another year nears completion. A couple of things on my mind today.

Here's the thing. If you think too much, a super super lot, life becomes a little hazy. You know, when things go on as uzh (is that how you abbreviate 'usual' into slang?) but you're not completely there. Your head is in another dimension and it's somebody else in your body opening doors and sitting at desks. I don't want to discuss that anymore, today. Basically the fact that you can't apply your mind. The best kind of work requires you to be mentally present. Obsessive thinking might not be the best state to do that. 

Now obviously, like any other emotion it comes and goes and everything else is a question of managing it.

That is where I was at some time back. Just living it out. I think it came in a bundle with all these weird questions I was being asked and my experiences being invalidated. Who knows!

About that time, I came across this really cool column which spoke about being blank and stuff. When you stress about being something or not being something or not doing something right (you get the gist), then to think of you in blankness. What happens to these judgements when you think you're an extremely blank person with no personality? If you pass constant judgements, that X happens because you're Y (or not Y or so on), would it still hold true if you were empty? If it doesn't hold true when you're empty then.. why does it hold true now? This probably won't work for everyone but it does when you're denying yourself things. This is just one way of  (changing your) thinking and it won't help everyone but it does work in certain specific contexts. Quite useful. 

This led me to think about blankness. More blankness. The kind that mindfulness talks about. Thoughts come and go but you're supposed to refrain judgment. A way of practicing not reacting to them by not judging them? It's really neat to try. Think of a particular trigger and remind yourself to be in the now when that is activated. Again, it worked well! It's a tough one. Just a reminder of how easy it is to get lost and remain lost. Currently, exploring if it's also comfortable instead? It's a new angle for me. 

Now all of this sounds very esoteric. It's... not though. 

Even when I tried to be blank, these are some things that made me forget that I was trying to be completely blank:

1) tiny leaves creating a little storm near my feet

2) wish - a - woo sounds

3) Baa's affection

4) sunset time twittering

Among others.

Most surprising, however, is that I heard another voice. A voice similar to neutral Janets. I don't know if I am tired of judgements or I am transfering to a different kind of spiral or if it's ALL THAT DOPAMINE from being on The Good Place binge. But somehow, I shirked a lot of work and I missed a day in the week and it wasn't like uzh. There was a neutral voice instead, a list of actual to-dos delivered so impassively ; one which didn't warrant much reaction. This was chill (-ish on the off chance this doesn't work in my favour).

Yeah, though. It's been a little cool. To not have feelings associated with thoughts is just the fucking best!  :)

May the decoupling and the honesty inside increase! It's been a little stressful coming out of things (I mean it would suck to be unable to carry out a couple of functions now) and this tiny divergence is super encouraging. ^_^

There, I think we'll be talking about all my feelings and goo after some more pause.