The seas and the trees and the stars just exist

Accepting some truths feels like giving up on fighting now. Like finally accepting my base nature and my inherent value and my quirks and my shortcomings. I have tried so long to improve and work on them that stopping suddenly feels like giving up. Even Sisyphus is doomed to roll that rock up the hill repeatedly ove and over, why not me? How can I enjoy the fact that I am good and sincere and giving and that is enough? To not judge myself for wanting to read and just walk for hours because I can. I am supported and privileged. Maybe that's what everyone else wants too, only they can't. Like Ugo once famously - the colonized would have done the same to the colonizers first if they could have.

What if I just give up trying to be quick and smart and resourceful? Not of value to anyone else - or worse an entity - but of value only to me? Feels like giving up. Also, feels like the right age to be giving up. If not live for one's self now, when? I cannot appreciate myself for simply existing but if my girl Mary Oliver says the seas and trees and stars just exist and are wonderful for it, who am I to disagree?