On life and liking and learning

I am so desperate to talk to somebody/anybody and literally nobody is available today. Also, coincidentally, everybody is available tomorrow. It'll be nice to see how I manage my schedule tomorrow. I still have to finish one job application today but I have been on a break since forever. Back to the point. I have learnt so much about myself, myself with other people and how I view life. All because of Simon. More importantly, because of telling him exactly what I think of him. It led to an avalanche of overthinking, bursting into tears and surprisingly asking ChatGPT to a lot of questions. ChatGPT is perhaps the new version of horoscopes: trying to carefully predict the future So maybe, in the end, it was me who taught me and not him. Haha. That's not fair. I'll explain.

Why I like(d) him:

He's charming, warm, intelligent, independent and interesting. He tries things, says yes to them and just goes about life. There's of course a lot of things that I don't know about him but based on what little I do know. I think though, in most parts, it was this independence and openness that drew me in. What stayed though, was the kindness and warmth. Every person who would talk to him would just smile and leave happier. That is such a gift. I felt the magnitude of it more when I contrasted it to the lack of it in myself. The kindness too of having him come and stand for an hour while I sold things on the road, of him telling me 'who cares, right?' when I was concerned about the garlic in my food stinking up the university microwave, of him trying to understand the words I could not find while I wildly gesticulated. He understood home from both being there and being in other similar places. He would come find me in the library in his breaks, uncaring of whatever I was up to and starting with 'So....' followed by whatever he had been up to and learnt that day. I liked listening and asking questions and then asking again sometimes because I didn't understand. He is a self-assured person. He has the confidence that he will figure life out, whatever it throws at him. In fact, in the very little I saw, I liked how he approached life. Like it was an adventure and he was choosing a path and having fun not knowing. Once at Spar, I was perplexed because I had to choose between the cold hummus role and a new feta cheese salad and my face gave away my anguish. We reach the biscuit aisle and he tells me 'live with passion'. I'm like fuck you but I know what he's talking about. He cares for how he lives his life, chooses his snacks also with thought and vibes. All of this when I was just making do (more in the next paragraph). He doesn't seem to want much from people (but I think I just couldn't see because he doesn't share as everyone does somewhere, it's a matter of from who, what, how, when). He knows how to be happy with himself and what he produces. He knows to recognize that. He makes sure to produce his own joy, whatever form that takes: reading stupid hotel reviews or Amazon posts or just gossiping about his adventures (not even braggily). Most importantly, I saw him have patience with himself over and over again. Without anger and frustration. He has not done Economics before, except for as a subject in management studies and well everyone knows how serious that is. So, this guy sits day in and day out in the library figuring out for himself everything right from scratch. He asks all the right questions and I see him absorb everything. This was amazing to witness. He taught me to really think because I didn't question much. Then, he would turn to me and said this is probably stupid but how is x this when this means that, it doesn't sit well with me and then I realize I got it all wrong because I did things without understanding. I hope to God I have learnt. He taught me to question what I was doing. The other thing I really respect is his strong internal sense of logic and value. If things don't align to it, he chooses to not accept it. 

All this while, I was lost and confused about who I was and what I enjoyed doing. I felt this imagined hate from everybody to my being and I withdrew and cocooned into myself and the library, my safe space. On top of it I was constantly frustrated with my brain for being stupid and slow. For being so anxious. To say life was shit was an understatement. We biked back together for a couple of months, till he moved. I liked asking him about his thoughts on family and culture and his perspectives on life. So many questions. It was a bright spot in my days and I think he at times he hated this invasion of his space. Well, my motivations were super different. I wanted to be seen and known and had my best friend 'be the favourite' turn up. It is a bit cruel, knowing someone values their independence so much while wanting to also tell them so many things (as I do now - I just discovered that Ford Prefect's name in the Dutch translation of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is ABN Amro HAHAHAH) and be around them. It is also cruel to sometimes see yourself as lame and naive when you understand the scope and extent of their life, the vastness of it.

Which kind of brings me to

It was a mix, then. A mix of admiration and gratitude for his amazing qualities but also so much longing to be that person. I know I am an anxious and scared person. That's why sometimes I don't do things. A lot of times. I keep saying no out of fear. To see someone not have that, or overcome that (?), filled me with impatience and wonder. I wanted to be that person so much. To jump in without thinking, saying yes to life and people and trusting that I got it. To have stories, to have tried and been true to my own self. In all honesty, I'm still not there but I am on my way. Perhaps being seen by a person like that would have felt like enough? That I was not a lost cause, okay as I was?

But to see someone's goodness and kindness, I had to be that. A better way of putting it is: to recognise that in someone and to want to consciously be with it is also to recognize how much it resonates with you. It has to have a home in you in some shape, way or form. I actively chose that. I don't know if everybody would have noticed how he spoke to the McDonald's guy or how he helped him clean up. It is in the end a lot about what we choose to see.

So, when he told me he thinks we are only friends a lot of things happened

Pain, pain and pain. To know that someone doesn't like you is okay but to hear it even when you don't expect anything and know nothing can happen is surprisingly painful. Even when the rejection is done in the sweetest way possible. Maybe then, even more so. You then can't hate the person. For days I was stuck in the loop of oh my God he is so nice and why doesn't his particular person like my particular person. Totally unfair, as I see now. I saw only the best of him and mourned, not the other bad parts. That too wouldn't be fair to air in public but I know it deep inside. I think I started mourning the loss of friendship too and the loss of goodness from my life. It is hard to say goodbye to that. The thing though is with time, I got to the point where I realised that he is still there, still around just in a way that's not what I wanted but that's all he could give. I value that. As a constant communicator, it is hard to trust in the process with somebody who doesn't believe in it but maybe we figure out a way.

I also realized everybody before.. wasn't not nice. Call me lucky or picky but however it ended with people, they themselves were nice. Disappointing maybe, not bad though. Maybe it's hard to trust people or bond completely with people who are not like that. Who knows? If goodness has become before, it will come again. I cannot control a lot of things but I need to have faith.

ALSO, all of them did think highly or at least good of me. I "added value" even when I couldn't see it or absolutely not feel like it. In all this thinking about him too, I often times forget to see myself as this individual who is important and wonderful. It's like I told him too, that maybe I break the cycle this time around by choosing to believe in his positive opinion of me. It is extremely hard but I try. Nothing like a bleeding heart to try and seek validation about your own self-worth but none has been forthcoming this time. Which is.. sucks. It sucks. I had to piece everything together myself but not super good at it but I am again slowly getting there. It is so addictive to instead hope and pray that things just change.

Anyway, just came across this from the last rejection routine I had, still stands:

What next?

Next is to just occupy my mind with other things, other people. The soft corner will always stay but to understand that there is a song and dance that still has to be done. Oh, I did find my Taylor Swift track - there is really one for every season. The good news is I have more clarity in what I want. The bad news is, the achieving has to be done by me. Sometimes, that feels impossible and fruitless. Like nobody is ever going to see see me.

In addition, in spite of being sad and pining, time has not paused. I am still in the context and situation I am in. I have to ensure that I am fed, and that I follow through on the plans I have. This time that I spend crying is not coming back either. I have to stay rooted in reality when I would much rather not. What's also interesting for me is this insane desire to be remembered. To leave an impression, even if things fade. I am currently also wondering what that is. Spiralling is also pain only. Ah, it's okay. I read a lot, finished 5 books of Percy Jackson and am dedicatedly giving time to Cosmos. Heartbreak is good motivation.

It is what it is.

From In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver (fine its about death but if we are being dramatic):