All those cheesy Pinterest posts were right

I miss my people a lot but it's not just the physical presence, it's because I'm still a child somewhere looking for reassurance that everything will be okay. What do I want to be okay? I want to know if the choices I make and the destinations I choose are good enough. I want to know that if I'm miserable on that journey, I'd still be fine through it and that my goal is good enough and I would somehow be enough and all would be "right". My anxiety is there too, but adding to it is this mythical tomorow. The tomorrow where I'm just sufficiently professionally competent, where as a person I am all that I admire in others and I don't make mistkes because I know how exactly something will impact me.

I now understand that this doesn't exist. I could be waiting my whole life and I could still not be happy. No one can guarantee me that. I observe and it scares me that I don't know "how I want to live". How long though? Fear taught me things, made me particular about making sure I put in the work and that I've planned but fear too didn't make me perfect. It comes back time and again, haunts me about things I lack but it is kind of overdoing it now. Very few things actually mean the end of the world. To be honest, fear is something I now have a bit (read: years) of experience with. Maybe it's overstayed. Maybe it can't help me calmly problem-solve. 

This validation that I talked about, this asking if everything will be okay is an addiction too. Nobody knows that for me. They can wish and pray hard and love. Yet it'll be my life to live. Nobody perhaps truly knows what they themselves are doing in fact, just one step after the other and the other. It's been dawning on me that all I can control are the quality of my steps, to release my arrow well. To feel, to delight, to hold. I think it won't matter how much anyone says it'll be okay until I learn that it really will be. If I've seen and done a little bit of life, I'll continue to do so. 

I'd wanted to live a careful life with few regrets, without realizing that I had in fact patiently started this journey right after I graduated college. Toss of coin, some things didn't work out as well as I hoped. Toss of coin, I didn't understand how to help myself. Toss of coin, didn't know how or what to ask for as help.

Again, don't know what the point of this really is except it being a prayer to myself to keep the candle burning. To sit in silent patience with myself, believing that I can manage as I have been managing. That if I shift my perspective a little, the world perhaps seems less scary and intimidating and more like a meadow to frolic in. To be curious about myself, my relation with the world and to find the utility of every moment just by being in it.