If thoughts flit too much and nothing makes sense.. Don't Panic!

 Don't Panic

A guide to being Khushboo

Things I like:

Clean rooms

Made beds to come back home to

Plans and schedules

Cheap grocery stores (which sell neck massagers too hehe)

Libraries (YES, deal with it!!)

Books books boooks

Talking about myself

Writing

Playing games with my cousins haha

Vegetables!!!

Endless walks

Napping without guilt (so rare! so precious!)

Lazy days (trying to find a midway though)

Things I want to work on (external):

Income - both a job and business

Getting my degree and writing a thesis

Looking presentable according to my standards maybe 50% of the time

Small talk (with actual, open curiosity)

Things I want to work on (internal):

Growth mindset: believing I can do things I set my mind to (only a matter of time)

Self-confidence: the belief that I can handle the results of my decisions

Managing time better: less spacey, less guilt, more doing

Acceptance

(Guess all this adds up to anxiety management)

Things this cruel voice tells me which don't add up (and rational answers that come after 5 minutes of calming down):

Get up, you're going to screw this day up/You're missing something/You're going to miss something: 

Honestly can't. I've lived "this day" for 4 months now. I just have to look at the time to not be late. I can buy food if I don't pack, I can bike back home. I can go to the City Centre. All of these are not fun fantastical thoughts, I CAN actually do all of them. It's not that hard or different. I have to do the first time only once.

Solutions that work: 

• Planning the day in advance so I know where I am
• Exercising and stretching the body for even 10 minutes in the morning
• Buying fruits so I know I have some food at least

Nobody likes you because you are a stupid bitch:

Firstly, have you been out lately? Please go out because you get like that when you don't see people around you. Also, here is a list of people who know you quite well and like you for who you are (even outside of family): Aanchal, Apurva, Shristi, Tanya, Shradha, Ragini, Ridhi, Deepak. Plus your family is bigger than you restrict it to usually. There's also Bombay guys and Calcutta guys. You are loved. You belong. Maybe it is difficult to see it here. People who are here: Sromona, Kavya, Christy, Eugenia - people who would pick up your phone if they knew you were in trouble. There's also Simon, Aaron, Ugo, Sanha, Zsolt, Yohana that you can hang out with. You're actually good!! Also, good thumb of rule? Assume everyone likes you unless proven otherwise.

You have a security net for sure. Don't let that ever stop you.

You're alone:

Yes but alone is not unsafe. Let me guess, it feels like you're adrift on a boat somewhere and you're facing a storm and you can't breathe because you have to navigate yourself out of it and nobody else can understand that and there's the sea as far as eyes can see and nobody else at all. This is not a true representation. I've been there a lot and that's just my body doing it's thing. I don't understand it. However, nothing is irreversible and life is not fucked. I'm not abandoned. If I am alone now, I can still solve this. I know, feeling this is the worst. 

Solutions that work:

• Lean in and cry - like the hot priest said "it'll pass" 
• Eat, drink, take a few minutes out and just observe things without actively using your brain
• Think about what actually is causing worry and give it perspective (you've probably converted it into a catastrophe unfortunately), breathe and try to work through it
• Realize that it's your mind running to look for things to prepare you for in the most unhelpful Patrice-like way
• Callllllll/talk to someone, nobody hates you for asking for help
• If this is a reaction to something someone said or is doing, relax. Jumping timelines is generally a bad idea. Call them waidi or ek jhike ne daes instead. 

Others are smarter than you, working harder than you:

First, we don't know that and can't measure it. Second, different priorities and contexts and want different things from life. Focus on your own list and see the progress there.

Solutions that work:

• Check the mind map for how I am doing with my own projects
• If I am stuck, it mostly doesn't help to think why but more like okay, got it what now from here

You don't even know...

... how to talk to people

Yes working on it, but going okay for now tbh. I plan to solve this by being patient and actual active listening.

Solutions that work:

• Realizing I do okay one on one, sometimes it gets a little messy in groups and that's... fine? I am reducing the size of the 'problem' basically.

... smart people stuff

Vague, your honour. 

... bar culture

Not the end of the world? Also, not hard if you start going to bars often enough.

Solutions that work:

• Going out and trying things lol but yeah I think there's a lot of opportunity to do it if I do want to spend doing that - it's a lot like any other party except you hold a glass in hand which brings me to the actual thing I want to develop ---
• Art of working a room and making small talk with new people in groups (which is understandable in my head, is smaller and can be developed in time)
• Is that the most important thing to have missed?

Stupid stupid stupid

Come on, everyone is allowed these ones. Only you can't see them make these mistakes. Like in Greek myths haha.

Solutions that work:

• Waidi and ek jhiki ne daes: imagine the smartest person you know doing dumb shit. Waving at people who don't wave back or calling people they barely know to their birthdays!

If I don't do xyz (which I am pretty sure I won't enjoy much) I will never get a chance to do it again/I'll never find company again

It doesn't necessarily work that way. I mean, the universe does offer multiple opportunities to do things and know people. I realize that it is important to understand that the universe operates from a place of abundance. It's pretty difficult to "ruin" things due to lost opportunities. If your eyes are wide open for new ones and you believe in yourself to take a shot, then why not? Maybe things do work out, a second time or third time or even a fourth. Most things in life are reversible.

Strengths:

Persistence

When did I see that?

Getting up everyday (today!!), trying to solve same problems in new ways, sitting in the library for hours to understand things, fulfilling my Dosa plan that I couldn't on my birthday, cycling to Lidl on an empty stomach, trying to change Johar hahah

Curiosity (Input + Intellection + Context as per Clifton test)

When did I see that?

Reading my books, generally asking questions to people I know

Bravery

When did I see that?

Tumung camp lol, moving to Netherlands alone, moving to Jamshedpur, looking for something I liked after graduation and not settling for things I hated, jumping into the middle of the ocean at Varkala, my whole solo Kerala leg of the trip

Loving

When did I see that?

Haven't been able to really practice it in the past few months but this one I know to be true

Present giving to Kavya, all gift-wrapped, I think it was cute

Honesty

When did I see that?

Can't cheat in games, generally prefer not lying

Gratitude

When did I see that?

I'm thankful for all deeds small and big and I let people know how much I appreciate them

Enthusiasm

When did I see that?

When hail hit my jacket, when I felt alive in the storm code yellow wind, buying the crochet yellow flowers, with cats and dogs and smiley old people

Appreciation of Beauty

When did I see that?

Finding prettiness in random nature, visiting the park for that, Berlin's metro stations

Thouroughness

When did I see that?

Making this list, all my empirical assignments had to be good and perfect so I took my time with them

Harmony (looking for consensus, pacificst; don't think its strentghy but Cliffsfinder) 

When did I see that?

Solving or facilitating fights, being flexible around people, not being confrontational

Individuality

When did I see that?

Cyling around at 1:30 AM in the night instead of going to the club, playing Connect 4 at a party, Natural Museum, just getting lost all the time, hiding money to surprise myself

Professional learnings:

Language is a good strength - read and write well

Not giving up - have weird challenges and very different contexts with workplaces, survived and adpated within them

Team spirit - wanting the best for everyone is good for morale, end of the day

Hard work - will give in more hours than necessary

Want I want to work on: taking the time to understand things completely, rethinking and rethinking problems instead of just asking for solutions

What would make me feel more confident?

Doing.

My own to-dos according to my priorities

Professional interviews and offers

Getting into the habit of making plans for myself and going alone FOR FUN

I work best in (learning style):

Talking loudly and explaining, writing

Associating it with a memory of what I was doing or where I was - bodily movements

Take some time by myself to process what was said

Ongoing list of things I am feeling happy about that I did:

9th Jan - Get ready on time and packing two tiffins woowooooo, especially because anxiety

22nd Jan - Small talk at a birthday party

23rd Jan - Cleaning a bunch of stuff, game night with my girls

9th Feb - party anxiety and I'm alive and standing, oh also managed to bike while standing (never done that before!!!)

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-tips-to-release-self-neglect-and-love-yourself-in-action/

#Workinprogress, to be kept updating. I see this as 50 first dates kind of video, see and repeat this manual to myself time to time.