On happy crying

It's finally happened. I finally felt lucky. I've been crying on and off since yesterday because how else does Khush process anything? Yes there is a part of my brain trying to protect me from feeling too happy, secure in my comfort (Khush you still have to figure your life out and grow 🪴) but maybe I don't listen to it today.

Some things that just got reinforced the last couple of days:

1) I feel too much, everything is magnified and BIG and urgent; a lot depends on how I can manage them or choose to let grow. Therapy and support systems and inner voice I'm looking at you. 👀

2) Feeling this warmth and belonging is a part of my base of the Maslow's pyramid. It's hard for me to function without it. Caring for others gives me purpose somehow. It's both a beautiful and ugly thing. Beautiful because I strongly believe that life is a lot of what you can do for others and also ugly because I don't think you can always have that around you. Ugly because it can be twisted around to your detriment. Also, partly because I lose myself in this feeling all the time. Now that I'm aware I am trying my best to not let it happen but I definitely do lose my identity, deprioritize my own wants to belong because my need is belonging. 🌝

Maybe the lesson is here is to try but somewhere believe that it'll happen anyway, the next time. Which brings me to..

3) Believing more in goodness of everyone. In hindsight it's not like I believed people were bad, even during the first orientation week I always maintained that people are sweet but I was intimidated and lost. They were unfamiliar people and unfamiliar situations. 

I mean, I haven't even ordered a drink for myself from a bar ever. That's okay but it kind of makes me shaky about what's your drink questions. You either are inherently bombastically confident to navigate it saying I don't know or it takes learning to know how to act/how to talk. A lot of these guys knew things I didn't. I don't know clubs in Berlin or how Europe is generally and these were well travelled people. So, yes, lack of experience + my introverted ass not having had made efforts in a while now + the need to do everything so fast and ofc unable to develop skills under timelines. Recipe for constant crying and feeling of failure.

4) Being secure in oneself is magical. I think it gives an individual the ability to be open to dislike, hate, bad days without feeling like a failure individually. I now realize how much of the world opens up to you!?!?!???! Imagine saying yes to everything you felt like doing. HUH. This is one of my biggest wishes for me in 2024. I don't even move from my seat at times because of some weird reasons, intimidated generally. By my slowness or my ignorance. But eh. I sometimes really notice the entitlement and the confidence when white men walk. Earlier I saw it and competed because I wanted to be just like that. That cockiness that comes from having been liked ALLLLL your life. Now I realize it is an unfair expectation from myself. Also, do I really want to be that?

5) There is a bug inside of me that wants to do everything and learn everything and be everyone. I am learning to manage it better because it is of a complex nature. It's competitive but a whole lot with others than with my own self. It pushes me to try harder which has definitely become a defining attribute of me. It's also hungry though, it doesn't like pausing to appreciate the view. It doesn't know how to feel satiated before the next round. It thinks in binary of having done it or not, it can't perceive levels. Debugging required. 👾

6) I don't want to be any kind of a person, no labels. For some time, I want to practice saying yes to everything. Provided I have the energy for it and a little time that doesn't put down my priorities on the list, just say yes. Practice my agency. Stop limiting my own self and going with my gut. I really do be struggling to allow myself to make mistakes. Labels suck though. So none of them for a while. Level 0 thinking. 🧬

7) Thankfully due to being a little shitty earlier on in life, I know better to appreciate people in my life. There's room for improvement but I'm viscerally aware. I've been looking for validation from particular people and I can't even blame myself for it. They are people I've found it easy to talk to, in some ways familiar to the people I have known before and THAT'S SUCH A GIFT. I have an affinity for people who are different, a little bit deep, do whatever they want, who are charming and sociable. All the things I couldn't be. I can't follow impulses for shit. BUT it's been helpful what M said about noting the things that are not right with them. Nobody can be on a pedestal because then it means there's a pedestal. There are unequal heights which like.. no. I'm actually also accepting that a part of me will always want to be close to people like that. It's okay. There is something that is going on because it feels good to be able to talk that way with people who think about things, dig deeper like you. However, there's realizing that it's not always for the best. It'll always feel shiny and groundbreaking haha. It's the virtue of it. That hit is just a hit.

Y'all I'm fucking studying at a top 50/20/10 uni I'm Economics depending on who you ask. I might be cutting some corners but I couldn't have made it this far either if a) I was spectacularly stupid or b) I wasn't working hard or c) occassionally finding meaning in my studying. Of course my peers are smart, it's self selection of going into this uni!! Yesterday I allowed myself to feel good about it. It's social validation yes but my hard work matters. 💪🏼