Necessary Roughness

In the middle of anxiety, everything feels like too much. Like this will never end and what was the point of trying even. Like I haven't moved at all. Like what is the point in living if life is just going to be so stressful always.

I think at this point, I came back. I cannot feel it sometimes but I know there is love for me somewhere. On some days that has to be enough. I'm starting to believe in my anxiety, I'm starting to believe a lot more in my fear of being physically alone. I believed it to be something everyone felt to some degree and to not use it as an excuse or crutch. Right now, I have no option but to admit. It is in fact affecting my daily life. It is exhausting. It requires spoons, spoons that take away from my productivity and brain function, even enjoyment. I can feel horrible about it but maybe we are all not created equal. That's fine. Everyday I lose time because of crying and worrying. I have to make peace with whatever I'm unable to change, at least now. Living is finding ways around it to be able to do what you want, whenever you can. It's sometimes just the ability to surround yourself with things that make you feel nice. That is also enough.

Thinking, crying, talking, physical presence of people makes me feel better.. at least exhausted enough in the end to not push it more. It be like that. Sucks to your assmar I guess hahah.

Being how I am, a ball of mess, I worry a lot about being a burden to everyone. That I won't ever have an individual life or let them have theirs but.. sucks to their assmar I guess. Shrugs.

I'm going to go eat though. Shower, sleep, eat, water. That's what I've come down to. Great though if I do it. It's great. What else does a man need to live?

After this episode is over it'll be time for work again. Or I'll be too exhausted to work or think. When do I move to the solution orientation again? I'm just tired. It be like that. Warm hugs to me and only me. 

🫂 🫂 🫂