Wishing I was thicker

Been talking to D about Instagram, his account and in general my following patterns. It came on top of finishing a personal branding exercise earlier in the day.

I had always been a little cautious about the online world from the time hole and stubbornly resisting strangers aspect. Both these events however have made me question my relationship with social media from entirely different angles in such a way that I am questioning my values.

I attended that workshop so I could do office work better and be a more effective communicator of who I am and why I do things. This need for effectiveness came from my experience of having filled numerous applications and SOPs - all those places I have had to sell myself. I can't be an unbiased judge but I would say I usually don't do a good job of it. I have become better with time though. I needed the extra help with work as well because I had just started building our online presence. The workshop was brilliant in terms of it giving me good guidelines on thinking about myself and my work. It was about how you can leverage social media to reflect your authentic self. The word authentic is so clichéd and yet it made sense when she said it. I heard stories about how your portrayal connects you to people and opens the door to greater opportunities and maybe even give you space to discuss things which you wouldn't have in your real life.

Discussion with D touched upon the emotional importance of social media. First and foremost, I do miss out on supporting my friends by not following them online. Can you imagine social media without your closest friends hyping you up? I think it must give assurance somewhere, to know they're there.

I miss out on who they want to be perceived as. In some ways, I probably fall behind in my understanding of them. I miss out on all the beauty they share, also the laughter and what they're thinking about and is important to them. I miss out on the mundane joys and disappointments of their everyday. The worst? Maybe, just maybe am I missing out on understanding them and being a better friend in the process?

I have had conversations like these multiple times with various people. Everybody tells me about their social media lives, mostly emphasizing on all the art and beauty there is to be found there (second comes the argument of knowledge, in case you wanted to know). 

Both of today's events however were nudging me to attach two more adjectives to my ever burgeoning list of descriptors. The descriptors that take their claws out when my guard is down.

The event opened my eyes again (after a slumber spent in social media isolation) to how vibrant and dynamic people are. The confidence they carried themselves with and showcased their talents. Honestly it's inspiring sometimes, to imagine you could be so comfortable in your skin. Other times however, it makes me wish I had a thicker skin - to have been on just this side of the line on 'inspired' zone and not moved over to comparison and fear. Thus was born the first adjective - am I weak for shunning everything the way I do? However am I going to compete or show my true self if I just keep my head down? 

The other conversation told me that maybe I was being a bad person for opting out of my friends and families lives at the scale I did. For missing everything because of my inability to remain unbothered by what they did, where and with whom. To maintain this good personal equilibrium. 

Weak and bad. Strong adjectives.

Yet, I am trying to dilute their effect by bringing in a new adjective again: self-aware. I have struggled a lot to come to terms with what affects me. It's a long list. It takes longer to accept this and actively avoid the things that affect in the extreme negative.

This adjective is not  an answer yet to either 'weak' or 'bad'. But it's an equally strong one.

In real life itself there have already been instances that have left me with this knowledge the hard way. I'm already carrying the cross about being who I am (chosen, unchosen, trying to change that doesn't seem pertinent - everybody carries their own anyway) and I think I am self aware enough to know I wouldn't want to be reminded about the crucifix everyday.

I am self aware enough to know what spaces of the internet feel good to me and to stick within that tiny circle of vibe-y internet. Sometimes the circle expands and I find those places of the internet which are good and free and based on communities with no gatekeepers. Also, self aware to overly exploit the semi-anonymity the internet offers and use this blog. To keep up with the absolute 'essentials' like an updated LinkedIn. (No, I haven't even checked my home feed).

I love communities and people and the joy we are able to create and share. I find myself thinking about how this current framework for interaction doesn't fit right for me. I am self-aware to know I work best one-on-one. I absolutely adore when a friend calls me up with something joyful and empathize best if they show up with their faces reflecting their sadness. How much interest there is in hearing things from my friends themselves, when they're telling me everything step by step, their original unfiltered reactions included!

To have been genuinely phobic of labels and actively pursued generalizations is the antithesis of this world where everything you write (sometimes even like) makes up this image about you. I know who I am on a given day is the overarching emotion of that day, I am never the same. I need words, a lot of words, spread over years and here we condense our personalities into 140 characters. I tell myself a lot of stories about myself (most of us do) and so find these external stories rather distorting. My tiny baby steps would get wiped off if I stepped into somebody else's shoes.

I keep thinking of all the beautiful connections I might probably miss. But how do I continue when I am aware that I am a slow burn? That I need to be a fly on the wall for sometime? That I connect by being quiet and listening? That I would rather pass notes but this is a place where we raise hands?

I connect by being nice and that doesn't seem okay to work with the cool aloofness and wittiness all of us have seemed to cultivate.

So, that's why yes, sometimes I wish I wasn't the person I am. Admittedly, I do find my joy in thinking, writing and learning. (And oh, creating!). 

I worry about every thing I am going to miss, all these apparent opportunities. I obviously do not begrudge anyone their habits, patterns and choices. In fact, it's harder to stay incognito (or semi-incognito, whatever I am) with each passing day. I have made some suitable compromises.

When I consider the alternatives, this seems more like a good calculated trade-off I have chosen to make. I am trudging the space between where I am comfortable and where I need to push to grow; this doesn't fit into my story except in small measured doses.

I don't know about weak or bad (promise I'm trying not to be). Being self aware however makes me sleep a little easy. It's a weighted quality.