Thoughts on a windy March day
Auto rides when the weather is good in Delhi feels so good! :)
I have been away for a pretty long time! Happiness, hard realisations, drama and my dear friend anxiety have happened off and on so many times that I don't know where the year is going.
I feel as taut as a rubber band, my God. Thank God I am running off to the hills. Desperately hoping that no sudden work comes up meanwhile! My office has given me some brilliant experiences and got me in touch with two amazing people. Yet, I am happy to be saying bye to all of this. Soon, soon.
You've got to be open to things, you know. The more you're closed off to things, the more they won't happen to you. Jump and say yes sometimes. Leap before having a visual map. Sometimes good enough is pretty good.
I am learning to remember my position of strength. That I add value to things. There is a reason why I am where I am. Unfortunately, minds don't work logically always. Therapy (even though I am so irregular with it and yes now everyone knows lol) helps to pause and think before believing everything that crosses your mind.
I am learning that no being prepared for things is not something irritating that grown ups do. It is something that you embrace so that you don't hurt yourself. I am humbled by this knowledge though. I never liked being overly planned and prepared.
But then, nor did I like watching over my back always. It's like I am growing up now. All these feelings of hurt at manipulation, of protecting myself from getting bullied, remaining unaffected by dismissals and wanting revenge - it's all new. Again, mistake to think of them as unnecessary.
Putting yourself first is tough. There are too many illusions and mirages to distract. Too many monsters trying to cow you down.
So, smile, I guess.
There is too much pulling you down anyway. At some point, you choose, you choose between letting grief and fear taking over you completely and acknowledging it and moving with it anyway. I think my tipping point has come now.
I have let everything else convince me of a lot of things. I don't want the remainder of my young pretty life to be spent being a worried 80 year old.
Now it's my turn to smile.
(And my mind better learn that!)
I reached my destination.
Kbye.
I have been away for a pretty long time! Happiness, hard realisations, drama and my dear friend anxiety have happened off and on so many times that I don't know where the year is going.
I feel as taut as a rubber band, my God. Thank God I am running off to the hills. Desperately hoping that no sudden work comes up meanwhile! My office has given me some brilliant experiences and got me in touch with two amazing people. Yet, I am happy to be saying bye to all of this. Soon, soon.
You've got to be open to things, you know. The more you're closed off to things, the more they won't happen to you. Jump and say yes sometimes. Leap before having a visual map. Sometimes good enough is pretty good.
I am learning to remember my position of strength. That I add value to things. There is a reason why I am where I am. Unfortunately, minds don't work logically always. Therapy (even though I am so irregular with it and yes now everyone knows lol) helps to pause and think before believing everything that crosses your mind.
I am learning that no being prepared for things is not something irritating that grown ups do. It is something that you embrace so that you don't hurt yourself. I am humbled by this knowledge though. I never liked being overly planned and prepared.
But then, nor did I like watching over my back always. It's like I am growing up now. All these feelings of hurt at manipulation, of protecting myself from getting bullied, remaining unaffected by dismissals and wanting revenge - it's all new. Again, mistake to think of them as unnecessary.
Putting yourself first is tough. There are too many illusions and mirages to distract. Too many monsters trying to cow you down.
So, smile, I guess.
There is too much pulling you down anyway. At some point, you choose, you choose between letting grief and fear taking over you completely and acknowledging it and moving with it anyway. I think my tipping point has come now.
I have let everything else convince me of a lot of things. I don't want the remainder of my young pretty life to be spent being a worried 80 year old.
Now it's my turn to smile.
(And my mind better learn that!)
I reached my destination.
Kbye.
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