Thinking about life post/with Twitter #MeToo

These things came together - the way I think about these things, about work and life and then this Twitter storm. Name after name after name.
I used to see these self-care posts and think oh but it's okay but after a day of it, I knew why they were there. The posts were actually pretty damning. It feels so toxic, to have this sudden introduction to what life is going to look like for a long time now. By sudden introduction, I don't mean that I didn't have a brush with it before. If you're born a woman, it's your cross to bear right from the day you were born. It was just that something inside of me snapped. Suddenly, I could look into the future and see the fights I would have to fight because I am a woman. I realized how lucky I got with my employers this time! The kind of people who would ensure that you reach home safe, you know. Obviously now isn't going to last forever and who knows what the future brings.
In any case, I don't know what I am setting out to do here but this is my thinking place and it's too noisy everywhere.
It makes me so joyous and happy to see this happen because as a community there is so much support women are giving each other everywhere. How there has been a shift in the narrative from asking the woman for proof to believing her first. It's beautiful. I am delighted that these tweets/threads are leading to conversations - conversations about how tired we are and more importantly the big grey area about what's acceptable and what's normal and why we need to question things. For many of us, it brought certain specific incidents rushing back.
Yes, also discussed concerns about where does this go from here? Does this die? How does it sustain because this fight is tiring even as a bystander and there are women fighting it head-on and that must be so hard. So many groups/people volunteering legal help and counselling and therapy. The 'getting heard' in itself is such a privilege and has hopefully made someone feel better (I am sure it has).
However, I would like to address some of the more subtler needs for a feminism wave. The truth is I am tired. I am tired of being this person who has to be pushy, aggressive and bossy to get things done. Of somehow not being equal at work should I not be the aggressive one. I have thought about this a lot and yes, maybe in an office space there is a resource scarcity and you need to fight to get them. The more I thought about it though, who decides these values? Who decided that it's the agression that needs to be awarded? Workplaces (and I can speak for mine) like mine are predominantly men, except for us two women who stick together. Frankly speaking, it's hard. Being dismissed or excluded or underestimated is hard. There are so many attributes to this. First that every single day you become someone else. For a person that is generally gentle and non-pushy, it requires a lot of energy. When you come home, you're so exhausted from these stupid battles that you just sink into the floor. Why do I call them battles? Imagine being thought so disposable that it just makes you uncomfortable to be in the same room as some people. That you don't work with them and yet you feel their judgement rub off from you and on everything you do. Would like to just reiterate that these people themselves are really good at what you do, are generally good people, do not harrass/molest/stalk women. It's an issue of attitudes. Then, if some day, you're unable to sort something out, it becomes  you start questioning your abilities yourself. When you open yourself up to questioning like that, it just reinforces the other party's view. It's a sick mental game. Specially when: a) you're a person who believes in team work and fair play (which doesn't exist because teams don't undervalue each other), b) means what they say (suddenly you're subjected to promises that seem to be taken back and it leaves a bad taste in the mouth). Compare this with the senior management, who always push you and respect you. Let us me also expand on the difference in the work allotment in my office. There is the senior management who tells you that something has to be done and is then after your life to make sure it's done - maybe even pick up a skill if that is what it takes, you know. Then there is the other type that allots work, shames you if you don't do it properly and then from the next time allots work only to someone who is exactly like them. Therein lies the difference - the first case sends a signal that there is trust, that there is belief in your capability to learn the ropes and the second sends a signal of well that there are only 3 virtues in the world that matter and that will get you ahead. Guess which one a person in their first job prefers?
Now that I think about it, I have had a little bit of these issues with a woman as well. Definitely, it was not as bad, there was some kindness and understanding. She was quite older than me but it makes me think of all the women who I have heard about at the top. 90% of them are seen as aggressive, pushy and bossy. Some would even ask you to be that themselves because they have learnt it the hard way. Suddenly, the mandate (for being successful) thrust on you is not only being good enough (which is a steep learning curve for all people) but also becoming this person, of changing yourself. I have started questioning why that is. See, getting your work done is a different matter and I am all for a it but why is being called a bitch a right of passage to get there? These are questions I don't have an answer to but it does seem like adopting the values which the majority of the workforce marches to the tune of. It's going to sound like a personal judgement but I need to bring this up to strengthen what I am saying. I have tried to understand the personal value system of these men. This happens when you're in close proximity to people for a long time anyway. You can only be careful for so long before you say or do something which well, gives an insight into you. (That came out sounding like a threat!) That is when you realize that somebody you love is sexist or that a gentleman can have patriarchal opinions. Again, I don't know why these two go together in most of our heads. It is still a jungle raj for some people, you feel the tension in the room to be the alpha male and the chest thumping for it. Haha.
(On a tangent, there is also the other side of the jungle raj where the prey blows themselves up/makes themselves look dangerous to not be attacked by the predator - us with our resting bitch faces waltzing around town)
Then the whole not threatening them thing. You know what this beautiful movement is also going to do to some of us? Get us more excluded. You're already getting left out and then suddenly no one wants to have a discussion on certain things wih you because oh you're a woman and if I say something it will be painted for harrassment. No, women are not out on a witch-hunt. Why this mistrust? So, that leads to dumbing down opinions or nodding heads and laughing along things you don't agree with so as to not threaten their...ego?
Even our interests and decisions are judged every single day. When you call things cute or put on a lipstick or go for a run in shorts. Probably I do it too. The difference is that when you already feel a litle cornered and want to prove yourself, you invariably let some of yourself die in the process. Judgement in the best case scenario, acting on the judgement by catcalling and inviting harrassment the extreme end destination.

For me to even say these things is something. It took a 2 hour phone call yesterday to feel that I was not making this up. Sometimes that is where the strength is - in validation. You put yourself out there long enough you start believing it's your fault and yes the situations I talk about might be a combination of not being assertive enough and patriarchy but the fact that there is a systemic fault? That. That needs to be said. Women need to be told this. When they realize this is when they start to stand up, you know. This IS a heavy burden.

I know some friends who say that not all men are like this. I just want to tell them that acknowledging this, that this system exists, does not invalidate the good men. If anything, they also understand. We are just trying to make sense of the mess of a thousand years. 

I have seen myself physically shrink and take up less space because of some of these things. Feeling like this is not okay. All, I guess, we need is understanding. We will come to the solutions but it's cathartic to be heard. That should tell you something.