Dear Sad Self

Dear Sad Self,

Just a letter from a little pensive self. What kind of sad are you today? Is it the garden variety you're sick and there's work and your head pounds? Give it two days and the world does not suck as much as you think. Oh, this letter doesn't romanticise pain or life but just thinks as it writes.
Is your pain due to something more serious then? Someone betrayed you or hurt you or doesn't love you as much as you thought they would? It's an extremely hurtful kind in a sense that people can understand it and empathize but no one can be you. I think about it a lot.. and my mind tells me it's the worst kind but it is not. Is it not wonderful that there is something you once cherished inside your mind? People can yes, relate or tell you it's going to be okay, but they can't ever blemish that part of your mind who remembers things exactly as you saw, no actually, remembers things exactly as you felt them. I think if you've had someone to love even for a bit in this big, wide and painfully slow life, you're lucky.
Oftentimes when I have crumbled I have recovered mostly because I could fall back - fall back on the good before, fall back on the good now.
Do you know when the world does suck as much as you think and you can't come out of it unscathed? It's when you are alone. When you're trapped and can't say but it's there and it feels just so damn heavy. There is still good now (to fall back on) but the flow from the heart to the mouth is scrambled and you are there but you're not. I think this is a different type of alone. To feel good and lucky about life again then takes a much longer time. You are a toddler throwing tantrums on the inside but that is exactly where it stays because it feels it would look just as silly, petty and dependant if it came on the outside.
Have I made sense upto now? This is not going to be much related to what I want to say next. It seems an obvious next step but I can't connect the why.
I guess what I am trying to say is.. good days are wonderful. Hold onto them. Really love them and try to remember every detail.
This is an achievement oriented marketplace and these good days save you from seeing yourself as numbers. They remind you you're not data sets, you're not mediocre or you're not an outlier. No. You're just you. Maybe someone smiled at you or maybe your parent said they were proud of you or your best friend says she misses you or maybe it was just a normal day with people you liked: at least that is most of what my good days are made up of. (The most revolutionary yet quiet kind of good day is the realization you have one day that you're recovering, where your bruises are lightening and your functioning seems like it's normalizing). They serve to put things in perspective. They remind you that you're liked or loved not because of something you did, but because of who you are. You're messed up and boring and irritating but there is a place for you. People who care enough about being important to you that they come to check on you and ask you and smile with you on their stupid jokes.
I say real-life sucks. But what do I think real life is? It's just life minus the reminder (and/or regular occurrence) of good days.
These days you're going to think that you have to fight your battles alone and you will have to actually, can't sugar coat. It's just important to remember that there will always be someone, no matter who, wishing well for you or you wishing good things upon. I understand that I can say this because I am privileged. I often thank my lucky stars for that because I know exactly where I would be if I didn't have the privilege and pleasure of my good days.

PS - Today was a good day.

Signing off and waiting for tomorrow,
Pensive self.