Update: to life and liking and other missing parts of my previous caption

Ah, it's so bittersweet to sit with this feeling.

I spoke to him properly yesterday, beyond the surface level hope-you're-good-wherever-you-are. It had been a while. The conversation was neutral: mostly about work, my CV, spring and the scary EU geopolitical tension. Yet it was so lovely to see him again, with his tape dispensers and ceiling fan and the cherry blossom tree outside. Happy to know that he was doing well, enjoying work and having 850 of his best friends who send him Happy Monday stickers around. That pink sweater, just like with a lunchbox in the sunshine outside the library many many moons ago. I think all that warmth and affection came rushing back. It made my day to hear about my writing like that; not only that I am a good writer and I should go deeper but that he would be grateful if he could write like that and that I should be proud. Felt more genuine that way? Maybe I am reading too much into it. Old habits.

I am happy he is still around, I am happy to know he is still ready to make time to help and yap about weather and weekends. That feels like his way of showing up. Maybe he would do that for anyone, yes he would. That's where the bitter part of bittersweet comes up, right? I still worry I am too much and say a lot and don't add enough value and that he would want to start maintaining proper distance if he actually knew who I was and how do I even fit into this world that is so interesting and quick and smart? Who do we keep space for as life moves on? Honestly, I can and I already did spell out what exactly he has given me and what exactly I appreciate and admire in him. I don't expect anyone to validate this for me because historically that hole has seemed very difficult to fill. And I don't know how to give back - especially when it feels like it's not needed.

At every step I have expected it to all fall apart, to be forgotten, felt unsettled or perhaps bored by. That's not happening. He shows up, as and when he can. Some would argue it's the 'bare minimum', but my brain breaks with that because he is never weirded out or annoyed. In fact, whatever is the opposite of that. Even when I am quite awkward (and it shows). Just there, maintaining interactions at a level he is good with. Even after the technical CV things were done, there was just so much positivity about what I was doing, the path I was on and being more confident about it. At night, I saw that he had reached out on social media too, after like a month. Maybe it's just called.. normalcy. You see this hesitation? It's hard to believe that I was/am valued and seen. So, the reality of his words and actions, and my thought process, don't reconcile. One is real and one is imagined. At this point, I feel foolish not to rely on what is real. It doesn't serve me. My brain is still catching up.

I know, I know. I have applications, friends, Paris to think about. I shouldn't let this occupy my brain for so long. It just definitely was sweet and happy.

You know how do I feel exactly? I think about the magnets I got from home for my friends. There are samosas, paneer tikkas, momos, idlis, medu vadas, all delicious foods, but a single one of my favouritest food in the world dosa. I feel like I want him to have my dosa magnet.