My dream

I woke up dreaming about papa, in his old white ganji and our old scooter. He was manually giving a kick to start it. He was just leaving our old home, after having visited for a while. (Oh very strangely he was going to drop a boy from my university home. Why was he there?) I ran out onto the road from our old blue gate, because I just realised he was going going. Both of us knew he's not there in the world anymore. I hugged him and I said papa yaad aave chhe, nai jao nai jao. But he looked away and said josu, tu roes toh kevi rite aau? It was so so real. ❤️‍🩹

I don't know, I haven't dreamt of him in long. I think of him. Very very curiously. He wanted me to study abroad, had so much many dreams. I wonder what he thinks of it all now. Would I tell him how unsettled I feel? Is that why I don't see him at all in my dreams anymore? That hug was so real, that feeling from when I was younger and shorter, his soft round belly. I haven't felt that in a long time. I see all those grief posts sometimes and I think huh I don't even grieve anymore. I think I miss being loved like that. If you're around somewhere I hope you're watching over me. Please watch over me. Send your love. I remembered you in the form I remember you the fondest, at my youngest. He who did everything. Brought stuff and made sure we got to places and smiled so so benevolently.

Yesterday itself I thought to myself how hard I'm clinging to my old life and how that's made adjustment here even harder and I tried not to judge it all because.. it is what it is. But how do you after having known love like that? How do you want to? 

Anyway, think I've gone a lot on him hahahah, what with stressing and working. But actually no, think he chilled so so much too. Stress though? Pro maxxxx. Wherever you are, please come back to me. Love me on the days I don't feel loved. Tell me I did a good job on days I don't feel like I did. 

Love me like I can't love myself. Come back.