My December Life #Day14

 Yes, two more videos are under edit and I have been traveling. And something cool happened for which I didn't shoot footage. I can safely say that this December has been much cooler than a lot of the previous months combined.

So yesterday, Dips and V picked up Gunj and M and me at *whispers* late night *whispers* by Jamshedpur standards *whispers* at 10:00 pm. Or like 9:30, I am unsure. And then we (correction: him) drove and drove and drove, crossed Dobo and drove and drove and reached the other side of the river basically. It's so different at night! It's quite and sparkly with some lights and really cold. We don't get to leave home usually at this time here. It was nice! :) Felt conspiratorial. Also though, I am sort of figuring out things that aren't meant for me, ya know what I mean? It was probably not meant that way but.. I think I've reached the maximum of my +1 limit. It's insane, the number of friends I have hung out with of hers must be more than my own friends. Does this happen a lot to sibling-ed people? Maybe!

I ALSO GOT MY EARS PIERCED YESTERDAY! 🥳

I have been thinking about them for a couple of months now, to be honest. Wait I'll attach pictures. They'll show my shorter hair too! 

I won't lie, feels kinds cool haha. 

But these are the easier changes, aren't they? When you try to live your "best life" there is so much on your list and things like these also seem kind of huge because you've never done them before. In hindsight though/in my current overthinking mode these seem like easy things to do. Putting in tedious work every day to become better. That's tough. Basically how I am thinking about it is.. you know how I said there was a good thing about Covid that everyone is here and you're meeting people. They'll leave/are leaving/ are gone. The goodbyes seem done and all that is there is to focus on my own life. Working, improving, my side projects. That is scary. It'll be back to being unable to talk phase and while I know it's coming, I haven't embraced it yet. New year resolutions are fun but the year to implement them in, day in and day out, PHEW. I didn't accomplish my running goals, for example. It sounds sexy to be able to plan a 10k by year end but you know it's on you when you don't make the time to train everyday. It's on you when you can't get in new clients. And it's also on you if you do end up becoming stagnant. (I think I am not very okay with being too laid-back). Everything is on you. I didn't realize that it was partly this too about saying byes that sucked. That I had to take a deep breath and then take a look inside. Because outside with others is always nice and cheerful and full of love for you and whatever you are. Yet there's also a calling to do things and be someone, sometimes a calling and sometimes a default option. Hmm, so I just finished reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. Whenever Christopher is overwhelmed by things happening around him, he goes back to puzzles and maths. Or blocks his eyes so he can focus. This is what I mean by default option. That I'll end up doing something, getting occupied somewhere so I am not overwhelmed with other things. I do not like being overwhelmed. So all of that. I remember what a bitter fuck I was behaving like and I guess I want to give that up too. Giving up on complaining and pitying and actually focusing on make things work = the kind of scary things I'm talking about.

I'm sure nobody's got it too easy. My friends who are getting married too, I can think of it clearly. It's super fun right now about dreams coming true and like celebrating your day and all of that jazz but then comes focusing on your life and maintaining a marriage and that's the hard stuff. Getting married is easy. People become weird too after marriage, become secretive about what goes on in their homes. Or at least the people of one generation above did. I don't know with us! We seem tight but only time will tell. I'm happy for them though, doing all the taking next big steps and all that jazz.

I'm glad I got to meet them when I did and gossip when I could. That's been another wake up call  for me. You know how every Pinterest (earlier Orkut) quotes used to remind you to be independent because you shouldn't rely on anyone because people aren't reliable and they change and you change and you drift apart and other xyz reasons? What they didn't mention though was to share love and laughter with people as often as you can because of precisely the same reasons. Even if people change, I don't think good memories change. I don't think anyone has regretted that sweet taste in the mouth from remembering a good time spent with someone. One very specific exception comes to mind as soon as I typed this but for general, normal relationships, yes. I am a person who's too hung up on logistics of meeting people but frankly that's just dead weight. Making an effort instead of making excuses, always ftw.

I'm in my feels right now. Full of love and happiness. And so so so so heartbroken about making the decision to leave some of my most valued relationships to more trust. Trust and hope that they'll remain okay. I speak as a great martyr but not like I had an option. Sometimes you love people and they decide to start their own lives. All of them together. And that's all okay (for you) and good (for them). Worried too, about my own future. Fuzzy enough about it to not talk to anyone about it. But this is a different kind of worry. Not a Sisyphian boulder but an easy algebraic problem I can hopefully work out.

I'm also in the market for badass women recommendations. Especially women who are like me. Sensitive, smart, driven, obnoxious overthinkers, simple, single even! You know where I am coming from. I am more independent now - in knowing what my values are and the kind of person I am. I could do with role models though. 

I desperately want my life to be mine.

That's another of my 2021 intentions - read about more women and imagine different potentials my life could hold. Because I am more. At least I want to be. ✨