Stream of Consciousness

When I was figuring out meditation, there was an analogy the guided meditation app would give - let your thoughts flow like water. Don't try to catch them or ruminate over them. So, fragments of what I'm thinking.

Voyeurism

Social media makes me feel like a voyeur. Not even social media, the whole concept of internet. I know things I couldn't possibly know, even when I take so many precautions. I don't want to know what anyone is up to. Seriously. I would rather meet people instead. We can't meet people much anymore (not talking about the pandemic but general we all move away geographically). The joy of that catching up feels so much more complete.

Men

Have you ever had a quote or phrase or even somebody's words come back to you in a Pavlovian way with particular situations? There was a post/status M shared about the male gaze. I'll find and paste it. It crosses my mind every time I am walking down streets alone. Crosses my mind when I see women represented in movies and soaps. Crosses my mind when I see curated feeds. Crosses my mind when I join the dots of what makes me feel confident - what I looked like then and how I behaved. I believe it's a good thing. Being self-aware of how little you owe to anyone in the world.

“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”

Social Media

This.. does everyone hate me for hating on the media? Do I hate myself about how paranoid I am about them? What a bone of contention when I start off only by asking divisive questions. Ever since I joined Instagram, I think about April May too. I maybe didn't fully get the full impact of what she was doing and why until I started creating content. After creating it, I thought about how it works and how it generates reactions from within you and frankly if you aren't very sure about what you're doing in there, it's a little scary. Otherwise, I see very few situations when you're not curating. Curating isn't bad, I am a purist. It doesn't feel honest. Other than that, if anything external is influencing me so much, I don't want it. Is this escaping? Leading me to -

Comfort Zone

Where is the boundary between not doing things that affect you adversely and you actively running away and burying your head under the sand? Mental peace comes at a trade-off even then. There's a lot of beautiful art and amazing accomplishments out there and that's inspiring too.

But I like it. I like listening to the same music again and again and again.

Efficient and Intelligent but an Asshole?

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

- Elwood P. Dowd

Thank you.

Being an internet person

Marketing yourself. Sound strange? Difficult? Difficult to comprehend this to be someone's life's ultimate goal and desire.

Internet friendships. Feeling emotions for people you'll never meet. A kid crowdfunding treatment money or a Twitter thread of a person talking so passionately about their space career.

Relating to social stars online. What are those things about, really? Did tribalism just expand to anyone with an internet connection? This need to feel connected to someone is so deep that it's not just the talent we look for online anymore, it's this hand that they're extending that they're just like us too.

Random YouTube video

Video said money + recognition is not necessarily equal to success. Now + enjoyment is. Okay.

Temporality

Everything changes if you see it through this lens.

Time moves so fast that my tomorrow comes before my today is organized.

Yet some emotions and sensations seem to.. stay? Even if I were to think differently, rationally about what happened; it won't change how you felt then.

Who am I to say anything about this?

Frankly we know so little about what anyone is feeling that even daring to imagine that is a stretch.

Art

Art is fucking beautiful and encouraging. It stays. It warms the insides like soup when I have a cold. It pats my back when I've had a bad day and am feeling like an impostor. I think it is also about someone having expressed what you were thinking (obviously in a much more coherent and aesthetically pleasing way) - that someone somewhere thought it too. Currently feels like there is a lack of possibility of feeling such complete joy with work. It prods really, like nothing else can, to create too. The act of creating though is *chef's kiss*.

Women in Government

Stopping this exercise here today. :)