What it Feels Like to Finally Forget

At one point that love and validation meant everything to me
Everything might be an understatement but it was let's just say I had panic attacks that I wouldn't survive if even one of you left me
And I cried and I suffered
I got used to being comforted

Until one day it dawned on me that this was not how it was going to work
I lay still let the sadness, the fear wash over me
And every time they came they brought with them past memories
After I lay bare
After I finally gave in and said yes I seem to have lost everything and I am nobody,
Panic spoke to me - said let's build you so I will be less scared now
I held panic close and though it seemed uncomfortable, both of us struggling for space, we persisted
Though I worked from scratch, worry didn't bother me
We learnt about each other and finally appreciation was easy

Now I am finally forgetting
Every step a new muscle memory
Dimishes the old
Sometimes it still comes back
Sometimes my brain and body don't coordinate
I falter
I look back
Strangely forgetting hurts too
You would have thought all this exercise and moving about made your core strong
It has, yes
Yet forgetting hurts
The idea of hands catching you faltering remind you of love
About your weak, bad habits
Yet they were completely yours

Basically
I toughened. I stood up.
It was good for me. It was lovely.
I can enjoy my own company.
Yet I still long for that other world. At times it feels like my fictional world.
You can long and love
While you take bold strides forward
You're strong and soft and you
All together at once.

I long thought of days when this would be true, if it could ever be possible
And here we are having reached there
Thinking wouldn't it be better if I hadn't had to start in the first place?