An ode to the sundari that is me
Hello friends.
I have never written an ode before, so tough ask writing one for myself!
However, I feel duty bound to give my readers some masala into my life seeing how we have enetered the 6th month of 2019 and I haven't blogged in a while.
I am potentially jobless.
This is worse than being jobless because in that case you know that you don't have a job.
I am actually unsure at this point whether I have a job or not.
Even I haven't bothered clarifying because I haven't found something for myself either.
Shame-faced about that so ya, pretty much floating in between.
The fun part to life is also now dating on the side.
It's been a rather interesting experience.
As the Aladdin movie song says - it's a whole new world.
I would have started with the stigma and the reveal to friends and family but that's too cliched and boring.
About dating itself, right till date, its been bad, weird and good with a mix of boring in between.
So, like any other boy, the first question I am going to answer here is why date at all?
Wow, boy Khushboo, such a deep and insightful question.
Well, the start was gradual I feel. It is not like I want(ed) a boyfriend/sex (any slash I missed out on?) at all. I just woke up one day and realized how strange it is to have such a small circle of people I know. Also, the fact that like this is basically an area of my life I just hadn't thought about at all. Naturally, I had underdeveloped skill sets (if that is even a thing).
Hmm, I think what I am trying to say is I started dating because I wanted to check all the boxes in the mental lists I make?
See now that is an answer that you can't actually give anybody so you filter some of these details and give boy Khushboo a half decent answer. Though it is genuinely a good way to go to new places - I don't know why people do not have this attitude more often. At this point, even though I want to stop myself, I tell myself 'Adventure is Out There' and think about Dora the Explorer (who has more hair than me).
About my hair. Wow, what a load of comments spring from my hair length. Everyone seems to have an opinion about them. Might even be unflattering but of course you got to convey them. What fun is keeping opinions to yourself? *Insert the shrugging girl emoji*
What is funny is how much I have managed to overthink this whole process. Both before, during and after. Okay, scratch during, because while you're on a date you do not have the time to overthink.
Before, I was really skeptical about the kind of people out there thinking about how fragile I am. Both these worries are unwarranted. Sure, there are all kinds of people out there. Some make you feel like a piece of meat and some make you laugh and dream. But the point is there are ALL kinds. This is related to the second part about being fragile. Again, sure I overthought everything and cried about feeling like shit or making someone else feel like shit. Here I am though. Still here. Maybe a slightly more confident version of me even simply because I know better now. Know what I stand for, know how I conduct myself and just how to conduct this whole thing. I am sure I still feel a little scared doing this whole thing but the next time it's 0.7% easier.
About the overthinking that comes after, that is another separate ball game. So, this also gives you a chance of looking at yourself through somebody else and its a little unnerving. This doesn't happen to a lot of people. Me, on the other hand? Spent a lot of time wondering about me and this universe and my place in it. Hahaha. The pattern is to get irritated and to swear off all of this until I cool down enough and just take it up again. Until the laughter > thinking, I guess this is going to be it.
Weirdly enough, being around all these people has made me feel more different than ever before. Feel completely singled out. My upbringing, culture and world view isn't like many people I know. I just do not know how to be the urban city millennial young. This is true for everything from friendships to career to now dating. On most days, I am okay with this to the point of being glad that this is true. On some days, well, I have my days.
There are two thoughts I have with respect to this as well:
i) if you forget your differences for a bit, you could be normal enough to make some diverse friendships which are actually good to understand the world better - this should ideally be an organic thing though, takes some time to actually do this and,
ii) I am still a sundari. Hahaha. Like I do understand the charm and appeal of today's youth and my knee-jerk reaction to this was 'but I didn't choose to be like this'. After introspecting for a bit, I think yes, I do choose to be like this. While I cannot define exactly how different I am, I can say with confidence today that I am a good person. Yes, I might be completely naive and stupid but I am also kind and insightful and curious. I am a loyal friend and a little more serious and my sense of humour is quite lame. There is a lot of goodness. Beauty levels are at a complete A++++ levels. Plus, I care about global warming too! Oh man, haha. The point is I know I have a lot in me today and I am proud of all of that. No matter how much it is valued or rather not valued.
I didn't mean to get so angsty about everything. However, by virtue of being me, this is what everything boils down to - a heartfelt, 2 km long blog post.
Dating though I would recommend. It is a bit of a time investment but its novelty. It's new and exciting.
Sometimes, even worth it! :)
I have never written an ode before, so tough ask writing one for myself!
However, I feel duty bound to give my readers some masala into my life seeing how we have enetered the 6th month of 2019 and I haven't blogged in a while.
I am potentially jobless.
This is worse than being jobless because in that case you know that you don't have a job.
I am actually unsure at this point whether I have a job or not.
Even I haven't bothered clarifying because I haven't found something for myself either.
Shame-faced about that so ya, pretty much floating in between.
The fun part to life is also now dating on the side.
It's been a rather interesting experience.
As the Aladdin movie song says - it's a whole new world.
I would have started with the stigma and the reveal to friends and family but that's too cliched and boring.
About dating itself, right till date, its been bad, weird and good with a mix of boring in between.
So, like any other boy, the first question I am going to answer here is why date at all?
Wow, boy Khushboo, such a deep and insightful question.
Well, the start was gradual I feel. It is not like I want(ed) a boyfriend/sex (any slash I missed out on?) at all. I just woke up one day and realized how strange it is to have such a small circle of people I know. Also, the fact that like this is basically an area of my life I just hadn't thought about at all. Naturally, I had underdeveloped skill sets (if that is even a thing).
Hmm, I think what I am trying to say is I started dating because I wanted to check all the boxes in the mental lists I make?
See now that is an answer that you can't actually give anybody so you filter some of these details and give boy Khushboo a half decent answer. Though it is genuinely a good way to go to new places - I don't know why people do not have this attitude more often. At this point, even though I want to stop myself, I tell myself 'Adventure is Out There' and think about Dora the Explorer (who has more hair than me).
About my hair. Wow, what a load of comments spring from my hair length. Everyone seems to have an opinion about them. Might even be unflattering but of course you got to convey them. What fun is keeping opinions to yourself? *Insert the shrugging girl emoji*
What is funny is how much I have managed to overthink this whole process. Both before, during and after. Okay, scratch during, because while you're on a date you do not have the time to overthink.
Before, I was really skeptical about the kind of people out there thinking about how fragile I am. Both these worries are unwarranted. Sure, there are all kinds of people out there. Some make you feel like a piece of meat and some make you laugh and dream. But the point is there are ALL kinds. This is related to the second part about being fragile. Again, sure I overthought everything and cried about feeling like shit or making someone else feel like shit. Here I am though. Still here. Maybe a slightly more confident version of me even simply because I know better now. Know what I stand for, know how I conduct myself and just how to conduct this whole thing. I am sure I still feel a little scared doing this whole thing but the next time it's 0.7% easier.
About the overthinking that comes after, that is another separate ball game. So, this also gives you a chance of looking at yourself through somebody else and its a little unnerving. This doesn't happen to a lot of people. Me, on the other hand? Spent a lot of time wondering about me and this universe and my place in it. Hahaha. The pattern is to get irritated and to swear off all of this until I cool down enough and just take it up again. Until the laughter > thinking, I guess this is going to be it.
Weirdly enough, being around all these people has made me feel more different than ever before. Feel completely singled out. My upbringing, culture and world view isn't like many people I know. I just do not know how to be the urban city millennial young. This is true for everything from friendships to career to now dating. On most days, I am okay with this to the point of being glad that this is true. On some days, well, I have my days.
There are two thoughts I have with respect to this as well:
i) if you forget your differences for a bit, you could be normal enough to make some diverse friendships which are actually good to understand the world better - this should ideally be an organic thing though, takes some time to actually do this and,
ii) I am still a sundari. Hahaha. Like I do understand the charm and appeal of today's youth and my knee-jerk reaction to this was 'but I didn't choose to be like this'. After introspecting for a bit, I think yes, I do choose to be like this. While I cannot define exactly how different I am, I can say with confidence today that I am a good person. Yes, I might be completely naive and stupid but I am also kind and insightful and curious. I am a loyal friend and a little more serious and my sense of humour is quite lame. There is a lot of goodness. Beauty levels are at a complete A++++ levels. Plus, I care about global warming too! Oh man, haha. The point is I know I have a lot in me today and I am proud of all of that. No matter how much it is valued or rather not valued.
I didn't mean to get so angsty about everything. However, by virtue of being me, this is what everything boils down to - a heartfelt, 2 km long blog post.
Dating though I would recommend. It is a bit of a time investment but its novelty. It's new and exciting.
Sometimes, even worth it! :)
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