Monday, February 5, 2018

How It's Not Okay

I realized today how you are never really free. Okay, let's make this personal. Let's talk about this for me. How I don't feel free.

It's that sinking feeling for me. It creeps up when I am happy, reminding me that there is something I am failing at/will fail at.
It's the voice that keeps making those mental lists of to-do things. It cries itself hoarse lest I forget.
The body yet though is unable to move, facing some kind of a deision paralysis.
It is the constant reminder telling me about how bad it was, how it could so easily happen again. That complacency is always bad, resting on what I have now is unethical, immoral.
How I am not cut out for my workplace, any workplace at all. Like I could try and work harder (yes, I should) but how will I change the person I am? It's in the way I am with people, it's how I treat work, it's in the qualities I see as necessary. It's like getting there and knowing that it's not it. Where do you go then?
No institutions are supposed to take care of your well-being and perhaps why should they? Who does the moral responsibility lie with? It might be a millenial thing to be screwed up like that but nobody deserves that. Where does the line lie? When are you just being lazy and when is it an actual problem? Which problems do you just make your peace with and which do you work on/resolve? This sounds like figuring out how to live, really! I wonder if all that I ask is worth asking or something that you figure out as you walk along..
Feeling crushed doesn't feel good. 
Taking it slow does.
Can you imagine having to force yourself to do things that you know would feel good? A part of it is because these activities take so much time.
So many people keep falling prey to it.. some I know who disguise it with social media. It's so unreal and weird. And useless. Whom are we fooling and why?
I mean, ya, being vulnerable makes no sense either because of the whole how you're valued thing. Which brings me back to whose reponsibility is a person's well-being anyway?
How do you accept who and where you are and deal with your insides?
How do you keep it quiet for a longer time?
How do you deal with grasping air when you'd much rather have structure?
Some questions I do not even know how to ask without seeming like some weird vulnerable person.
Is there a food chain of sorts? Do we respect ones on top? You can opt out of the chain? Is there a check box for that?
How do you stop worrying?
Am I just a priveleged millenial refusing to take responsibility? 

Ah, I think this question is a cue to stop questioning. Good night.

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