Hi my old friend
It's been some while.
Happy Birthday and Happy New Year to me!! 🥳
Yes, it has been some while but there was not much to write about. It feels like there is a haze of sorts, like I am feeling nothing. Not even in a bad way, just nothing. If I go too deep, some parts hurt but also because I "understand" it just leads to indifference, in a way. That is why it has been super difficult to check in, to even write down thirteen wishes, to do any kind of introspection. I have unlocked a new level of lost - which intuitively I know is better than where I was some time ago - but it's also a feeling of adrift. I don't have any wishes to fight back and that's how 2026 feels to me, to be peacefully afloat. I don't intend to make many efforts throughout the year.
It's been coming for a while; I have stopped giving my energy to many things and people. Something tells to be careful, yet for now it is calming, it is nice to close my eyes for a while. This weekend was the first time in ages I didn't wake up unnecessarily early. It was new enough for me to notice.
Also, as a note to me: it would be good to reconsider my own expectations of what life should look like and what to expect from people. I am confused for now, whether my own needs are too much, I am not doing or thinking the right things or whether I have been let down. Maybe it is both. In my foggy state, or maybe even otherwise, figuring this out is hard. I have been hearing (and learning) about how comfortable people are in their individualism, so I now know that carrying the story around of it being my own special curse doesn't really serve any purpose. I called 2025 the year of being collectively erased from memories but that doesn't make life any easy. It does make it cathartic to feel the weight of sorrow but it can't point to how to concretely and intentionally build a life that feels cozy and welcoming. It also doesn't open my eyes to what is, let alone experience fully the gratitude for it. Rather, it narrows my vision to make everything fit into this narrative. It is highly limited in it's purpose.
I have found a good companion in this being lost, which is the book The Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit. I am just a few pages in but I think I appreciate this more in my current state. The parts I am reading focus a lot on being comfortable and inviting the feeling of being lost, that it is a useful guide in giving shape to what comes next. Exploring means, by definition, is always being lost because you are in uncharted territories and once you go exploring, spending time just thrashing about and fighting that newness is wasteful because it keeps you from noticing and adapting. You need to be quiet to let inspiration to shine through. If so much is out of your control, it is just best to be flexible and see how life happening to you feels for once.
Professionally, I need to be careful. That's the only way it can be. I trust a few people, yes. In the future, never talk ill of anyone. Giving official feedback or trying to find a solution while working is the only form it is acceptable in. I'm going to be myself (whatever the fuck that means) and spend lesser time accomodating everybody else. Just hang in there bud, you'll figure out more with time. Don't take all of this too seriously, I guess. It's a job and always best to have your own circle outside of it. I understand now why you have to be careful because in the end you are working with the same entity, a) but with your own interests in mind and b) like in a household, everyone has a certain way of doing things and oftentimes the methods will clash. I think the Indian passive-aggressive snarkiness does not work in my workplace. It is good, I would like to adapt and be more straightforward in my own life dealings as well. I regret not signing up for Mauritius already, especially after the fun Christmas party.
Another good thing to remember is how central we keep our own selves to our experience of this world. So, does everyone else. Only when you remember, would you also remember to de-centre. Only when you remember, can you also use this to your advantage. Everyone wants something, listen well.
Jesus I am 31!! Can you believe that? I have lived for so many years on this planet and it feels sometimes I am still the angsty teenager or young adult growing up too fast. You know? That's the vibe. I feel so far from the script of a house, partner, car and baby. I feel so alone in my journey sometimes but I also feel interesting. I admired what it was like to be adventurous for so long that I didn't realize that somewhere I partly became that: a new friend recently said 'I feel like you're a yes person'. Well, I tried for so long to be one. I am proud of how much I have worked on myself so I give me, my break year!
Certain whimsical items on my 2026 list:
- David Tennant discography
- Read Capital (Marx)
- Know 6 breakfasts I actually like
- Go back to birthday cards/letters (minimum of one per month)
- Buy art from Paris markets for my new house/room
- Go to one African country (for wildlife, so not Morocco)
- Make my Statistics "curriculum"
- Note down trees I see (so I know what the LOMLs are called)
- One new song a day
- Celebrate the 3rd of every month - even a tiny cake slice works
- Host a fun event every quarter, something like PPT nights :)
- I am also very inspired by Ragini's end of year newsletter of personal happy milestones, Vittoria's book and movie tracking system and (I don't know who's) idea of storing away a chit per week of something nice. I feel the recency bias be really strong and I want a balanced end of year outlook.
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