Notes from when your brain is finally getting through to your heart that it is definitely not coming back or a break-up

Okay. Brace yourself because it's going be a very long read. I have been composing my thoughts since a few days and maybe today is okay. I am near the water, not Nieuwe Maas because it's started getting dark sooner but I guess the lake beside my house will have to do. I have a new feeling sad song that I keep listening to on repeat and well.. let's tell you everything.

The past couple of days have been so so hard for me as well. I think I don't know how to stop thinking about you and what could have been. I saw the banana, kiwi and mango yogurt the other day and immediately had to look away because even that hurt. I keep seeing things I want to send to you (I played on a Steinway piano yesterday and it looked so beautiful inside and we discussed bass notes too, I wanted to show everything to you so bad!!!) or gossip I want to share (I had game night with the girls!!), but then realize I can't and I don't know what to do with it. Maybe yes this feeling is common and everyone feels it but it's heavy and sad. I would have shared this with you as well but.. now I keep realising over and over again that it's not an option. I know now how you felt about your cats. What do we do with all the love that is left in our hearts? It's so weird how the world seems to keep moving on, you have meetings, you have laundry and you have to fucking feed yourself, even when time slows down for you so much when you're in pain. You feel each second in such excruciating agony but then you're also playing catch up suddenly listening to everyone talk about things that you feel don't even matter, things they're spending their time on, time different from yours.

First I want you to have that message from Saturday because it is yours.. even if I couldn't say it. Keep it for the hard days, it's always so good to know how well someone saw you and wanted you on those days. I want you to remember that. Copy pasting it below.

I know it was a short while but I did give you everything I had and I would do it all over again, without thinking a beat. You're so worth it. You're so sincere, kind, honest, interesting and nice. Your beautiful, beautiful smile and soft eyes that look at me so keenly. Your touch that melts me, very tender when you hold me and very extremely kissable. How safe I felt! How free to be me! You remember how I couldn't believe all of it was real sometimes? That's how magical all of it felt with you. My toothbrush next to yours, you saying you're getting used to my hair all over your place.. all tiny miracles. You made me so happy.

I said thank you before leaving last Saturday, I said for whatever this was thank you. I had started mourning already because somewhere I knew your mind was already made up and it wasn't going to change. I think you don't even realize it but you let me know that I can be loved back and can be wanted by someone who is such a lovely person, that I could feel so much. Even that is a gift. A big one. One you didn't know maybe that you gave to me. It just hurts right now but in time I think I'll know how to keep it as a beautiful memory. I'm just angry too that we didn't get enough time together, if I had met you maybe even a little bit earlier or you had to go to school a little bit later or if I had realized that we in fact were in a relationship, without calling it so, at the same time as you. You know.. this maths of what ifs is just making me sooooo angry. I also want you to know I'm never ever ever angry at you, as a person. Never. You have been nothing but so good, so thoughtful. I am angry at life. Besides, we do have a knack for just missing each other, don't we?

In the end though, I wish you hadn't decided for me, that I deserved better. I didn't ask for it. I don't want better, I want you. I wish you would have spoken to me about it, or asked me and I would have told you that I would have rather had you on your terms, somewhere midway for both of us, than not have had you at all. I would have been happier. I wish we could have tried to work this out together, like we planned to do with obstacles that could come our way. But it's your life as well, and I have to respect your decisions and choices. It's not a battle I can fight alone. I thought if I bargained hard enough, persuaded harder or clarified more, you would see. It's slowly dawning on me (today finally) that it's also a.. choice, not a math problem I could fix. But know that it's not about me, it's about you and what you're able and/or willing to manage to do. I even understand. I know that a lot of things are up in the air for you and you're working on them - in a way I was there as well 2 years ago when I joined university. I personally think that's brave, I really am proud of all the choices that you make and the last thing I would want would be to be a bother at the moment, something else you have to pay attention to and fix. But of course if you ever feel ready again, I hope the universe conspires so that I get first dibs, okay?

Having said all this, I would really like to see and know all you're up to. I would have loved to be your cheerleader and so I really appreciate your offer to stay in touch. I still want to be there for you and be your ear. Of course if there is any, anything at all you want help with, small or big, I beg you to reach out. All of this really doesn't matter if there's anything I can do, I hope you already know that. For me, it'll take some time to untrain my mind and body from wanting to stick to you, to forget all I wished for in the upcoming months, to relearn to call you by your actual name. I promise I'll be back. 

Take good, good care of yourself. If I could have, I would have cast a shield around you to protect you from everything bad, for you to feel so much happiness, laughter and love but all I have is my good juju, alllll of which I'm sending your way. May all your sacrifices feel worth it to you.

If it makes it harder for you, you don't even have to reply. I will understand the sorrow in the silence nevertheless. Until then, the pleasure was all mine, KV.