Tiny Drops of Joy

Some things I remembered to remember bringing me joy in an otherwise anxious, exhausting, not-getting-work done, heart-wrenching time:

• Buying faiba's first kurta(s) - There is something indulgent about taking two old women to the mall, holding their hand and showing them around. I tried thinking how the world from their perspective: the sounds, people, vehicle, clothes even, multiplied by the hundreds. It's heart warming to see them sometimes catch up, sometimes accept the times they find themselves in. Also, very funny that faiba forgot to take-off the leggings she was trying underneath the sari and we ended up shoplifting accidentally??

• A pair of black pants - Good, well-fitted, fashionable pants that are not denim or poly-synethetic Zara material. Enough said.

• The money plant frame on the window - We have a money plant on each end of the window. Faiba was tending them so that they would join somewhere in the middle of the window frame. It happened a few days backs. But finally it's thick enough so you can't see where one begins and the other ends! Truly exciting!!

• Hanging out at the terrace under a beauty orange sky - The sky has been killing it lately. Faiba was there too and so I showed her the new James Webb space pictures but I don't think she was into it or really understood. The clouds were fluffy and low and heavy with rain which eventually fell and we ran inside.

• Ideas - That feeling of a new idea!! Something that excites you, gets your heart pumping and before you know it there's a half-baked framework with lots of loopholes already ready and just why didn't I think of this before? It's not something you can even work towards at that point, perhaps. A+ to good ideas that fit you and make life seem adventurous again. 

• Opposite of toxic masculinity - The picture first.

Kaka told Baa to leave the aamras-making that day because he would do it, and do it faster. Not like Baa would leave anything so they ended up making aamras side-by-side. Aamras of course isn't a benchmark for what toxic masculinity is or isn't, but it's in the quiet way he tries to empower mumma, his children and us. There is so much freedom to be around him because he is willing to have a conversation which means he is listening too.

• Asking 'So what?' and other questions a little bit more - There's something inside that clenches at the thought of outcomes that don't seem ideal to me. I think a big part of life for me is to start getting curious about my thoughts without trying to change them. The curiosity faces a big obstruction if it's met with thoughts of judgement (and therefore action) simulatenously. It's uncomfortable to feel bad/nervous/angry/anxious and think about it at the same time but something clicked.

• BOOKS! - This is the biggest one. Buckle in. First is recognizing more books than before in my library in my 'read' section from 'to be read'. I'm also now friends with the Bahrisons guy. Not friends, really but I ordered some books off them and I wanted some other books that they didn't have. So, wait for it, they're going to get them ordered from wherever bookshop owners do that. I have always wanted to be the kind of person who could order for books at a bookstore and now I find myself living my dream. Second Deborah Levy in The Cost of Living!! The flow of writing is INCREDIBLE. She writes cinematically. No, really - a part had the 'fade out' effect that movies have for change of scene and another was like the change of an animation in a montage. Words can do that!! This is not even getting to the content she writes about. The Cost of Living is even better than Things I Don't Want to Know. Perhaps because it is more political, perhaps because this book moves from sadness to sadness-action-hopefulness combo. I don't know why I am taking a middle-aged boomer, recently-divorced-with-two-daughters, white woman's life story to heart but the book does that. There was so much underlining and every time she is mentioned her mother - oof! Third is the premature excitement about Desperately Seeking Shah Rukh, another book that I KNOW will be underline-worthy. If only, Real Estate (Book 3) reaches me fast. I found myself asking me to slow down while reading my current book in the excitement to start another. Glad that I did or would have missed visualizing things. The slices of life come together like.. opening up an orange. CoL has given me new female heroines too, to read about! It's so so satisfying to read these stories from across times of courage and independence.

It's true though. Reading picks up when real life is too hard to think about. While all these women were figuring out that writing is how they know themselves, I thought reading is how I heal myself.

• Ballet class - Special mention because this is the only place I can keep trying and trying out of my own happiness. In every class, without fail, I've stopped worrying about everything from Real Life.

• (Also honorary mention to my new pale yellow bra which has flowers printed on it. They most definitely will fade with time, like real flowers but until then it's so pretty).