Saturday Evening

Life seems to be a project. Gigantic, yes but an absolute big chunk to be navigated in this way or that. The grand ideas of how you conceive your "life" to be. Sometimes it's possible to daydream about another version of your own life so easily. About things that you would have been and done and the bridge to that life was if only X in this life had been something else.

I see old people like my grandmother and wonder a lot about what this kind of waiting means. Time isn't kind or patient. It hurries and that's pretty much terrifying. Being an adjusted human is having the trust that the choices and consequences of those choices will line up okay. Yet around me I never see old people unsatisfied or saying things like oh ho I want to re-do my life and omit these 5 actions. They're so past that, in a place where so much is forgiven and forgotten. 

That's why I remember to breathe sometimes. I try to match up the speed of my life with that of time. It's never worked out for me because unfortunately I still don't exist in a dimension where I can make multiple choices at the same second. I've to remember that I have physical failings and mental failings. I have to remember that the answers cannot be "all of the above", that choices have to be made. It's better to check in to see if you're good with the choices than to have it all. I'm trying to practice that.

Peace is another thing I want practice more of. This means acknowledging the things that come as they come. I have to nod at them because they're going to be ignored otherwise. I don't want that. So, yeah.

I'm just going to have to try to be more honest and open!

Maybe what I'm trying to say is.. I'm not a special snowflake but also I didn't have to be.

Okay, good night! :)